Your issues are much deeper than leaving dinner parties early.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I have been married almost 40 years. I love to hang out and talk with friends, and my husband doesn’t want to socialize. Lately he is much worse than before and acts obnoxious when we are with a group of friends, even people we’ve known for years. He complains that our group dinners last too long, and he doesn’t want to stay at a meal for hours. At our last get-together I was having a good time, and he just got up, said he was leaving, and walked out of the house.  He didn’t give me time to say goodbye and embarrassed me in front of our friends.

Then at home he acted like I did something wrong and was obnoxious to me, threatening to leave. He doesn’t care that I was enjoying the company, just decided to go. I am 65 years old and do not want to get divorced or be single, but his selfishness is making me miserable, and worse I feel his attitude will isolate me. He has no friends of his own.

—Anti-Social Husband

MissKittyDanger

Tbh my first reaction is that the H is an introvert and just doesn't understand how to balance with the social aspects of how draining it can be.

Then the reaction after ... wow, that threw me. I would honestly suggest LW talk to him about wtf is going on - does he hate friends? There's gotta be something more going on.
And can LW not go out with their H? My mum is an extrovert and my dad was an introvert. If he had any issues that day, she was cool to leave {if he really was ok}

mrsconn23

I can see the image of this so clearly in my head, because I'm picturing my grandparents.  Grandma was a social butterfly and grandpa is...not.  Part of it is hearing loss and part of it is just who he is.  But my grandma was very intuitive and knew when it was time to skedaddle.  

It seems like LW wants her H to deal with it because it's what she wants.  However, has she ever really had a conversation about compromise when it comes to these dinner parties/socialization with her H?  Does she have any empathy for him and his feelings?  Because it doesn't sound like she's looked at his perspective at all, she's just mad he's ruined her 'good times'.  Sounds like he got tired of being ignored and made a point.  I'm sure the truth is somewhere in the middle.  However, this is a classic case of two people not being on the same page and not respecting the other person's desires and/or comfort. 

charlotte989875

The just getting up & leaving and then threatening to leave isn’t okay, no matter how long you’ve been married or how introverted you are. SorryNotSorry but threatening a marriage like that isn’t appropriate. 

It does sound like neither of them are interested in compromising here. She likes to socialize, he doesn’t. Maybe he put up with it for years, maybe it’s a new aversion. But storming out and writing to Prudie isn’t going to solve anything, actually taking to one another might be a start. 

CharmedPam

Ok so is he Ok to her at home when he’s not irritated about being out?  I have a friend who is an extrovert and her hubby is an extreme introvert.  Happy marriage but she wants to go out a lot and he doesn’t.  So she does go out. And it’s totally cool and both are OK with it.

now, if he’s treating her bad all the time - that’s a different story.  But no one’s holding a gun to him to go to these dinners...

flantastic

At this point, if you said, "Oh, it'll just be me - you know how H isn't always excited for social events" to any future invitations, the hosts/group would probably understand exactly what you meant. So why can't you do that?

OliveOilsMom

I think LW should leave H at home from time to time.  Perhaps the compromise between the two will be that when they go together, they will automatically leave at X time.  But also, that LW can go alone too and stay as long as she wants.

What happened at the party and afterwards was way out of line for the H though.  Better communication beforehand would have prevented much of this.  

kerbohl

I go to so many social events without hubby ... he doesn't get as much out of them as I do, and I'm perfectly comfortable going alone.  Maybe LW isn't as comfortable going alone?  It's okay for someone not to want to hang out in a group, and if people judge you for going somewhere without your partner, that's just rude.  If it is an important event, then maybe ask for them to accommodate you by coming but have a set time to leave or a signal when it's time to go.  
This might be a generational thing though ... I have an aunt that is scandalized that I go on vacation without my husband.  Because apparently after you are married you are attached at the hip.

VarunaTT

I think there's an assumption here that LW is forcing hubby out all the time in an introvert vs. extrovert situation.  LW didn't really say that, just that he was getting worse at the get togethers they are out together.

I think we need more details, TBH.  Also their age makes me thing something bigger is going on that, no matter what was happening before, has reduced his patience/compromise to nothing.  B/c the walking out, threatening to leave, etc., is a pretty big reaction to this, even if he was annoyed or over stimulated as an introvert.

MyNameIsNot

These could be my parents. Mom love social interactions, dad dislikes them. I've heard so many stories even going back to their 20's of dad getting bored at parties and dipping out, or going off somewhere and just going to sleep. So, mom goes to most social gatherings solo, and they go to a few as a couple here or there.

The fact that this is seemingly getting worse or just showing up in their 60's coupled with the husband's bizarre behavior makes me think something else might be at work here. I would be keeping an eye out for other odd behavior and thinking about getting him a physical. 

MesmrEwe

LW... Simple solution... Two vehicles or Uber it home!

He wants to go, she wants to stay, problem solved...  OR, offer that he doesn't have to go, the small talk with her group of friends may be to the point that he doesn't enjoy the same rehashing of subjects now that everyone's likely retired.  Either way, go it alone to the dinner parties LW or take two vehicles and let him know it's o.k. if he wants to go home first!

MesmrEwe

MyNameIsNot said:

These could be my parents. Mom love social interactions, dad dislikes them. I've heard so many stories even going back to their 20's of dad getting bored at parties and dipping out, or going off somewhere and just going to sleep. So, mom goes to most social gatherings solo, and they go to a few as a couple here or there.

The fact that this is seemingly getting worse or just showing up in their 60's coupled with the husband's bizarre behavior makes me think something else might be at work here. I would be keeping an eye out for other odd behavior and thinking about getting him a physical. 

This is the BINGO!  No one wants to talk about "the signs before the signs" of age related conditions!  If people understood the super early signs of things like dementia the diagnosis itself isn't as big of a shocker, same for Parkinson's, Deafness, Glaucoma, etc. they could have the conversations that need to take place including "at what point is it o.k. to...", "Let's write the will", etc.

short+sassy

I agree there needs to be more compromises going on.  She goes alone sometimes.  They agree on an approximate time they will leave, when they go together.  And/or they drive separately.

I had an issue with a long-term b/f in college who was like this.  Though only with my group of friends.  I would suggest he stay home, if he didn't want to go to the party/outing.  Oh, but no.  He can't "trust" all those other guys at the party, not to hit on me.  So he'd always insist on going.  Then would complain 1-2 hours in that he wanted to go home.  And go sulk in the corner if I wasn't ready yet.  It was a big fight if I even wanted a "girl's night" out with my friends, because he wanted to come also.  We eventually broke up over this issue.  I just couldn't take the jealousy and controlling behavior anymore.

I realize that stemmed from different issues going on then what the LW described.  But the result was similar behaviors and this letter reminded of how frustrating it was.