Wedding Woes

You are not responsible, LW.

Dear Prudence,

A very kind and generous friend of mine, who was also neuroatypical and feared rejection, committed suicide over the holidays. We met at a sports club that was the hub of our social life and stayed in contact through social media after I moved away. Last summer, he wrote to ask me whether I thought he was a good person, as someone else from the club had accused him of harassment and he was being suspended for a year. (No police report was ever filed, nor was there a hearing for him to present his side of the story—he was simply suspended by the club president.) He asked whether I believed he could do something like that and whether I still trusted him. I told him that while I considered him one of the good guys, I didn’t have the facts and really couldn’t say. He himself said he’d “behaved inappropriately,” but that could just be his lack of a filter. I told him that one way or another, he needed to talk to a therapist about how to deal with it, whether that’s making amends for something he’d actually done or finding ways to deal with unjust allegations.

I know that many sexual predators get away with it simply through convincing everyone else they’re good people. But he also seemed genuinely distressed when he contacted me, and I believe the damage to his reputation and social life were a huge contributing factor in his death. I’m not asking for a ruling on whether he did it or was wrongly accused. I just wonder—should I have expressed unconditional support, knowing he was already struggling with mental health issues? What could I have done differently?

—Supporting a Friend

Re: You are not responsible, LW.

  • That super sucks. It’s not on you to decide what happened when you weren’t around. Could you have asked for more details or listened to what he was going through? Sure. Would it have made a difference? Unlikely. 
  • This is a really sad situation, but LW needs to stop beating themselves up over it. They don't know all the facts, and they tried to be supportive of their friend based on what they did know. There wasn't really anything else they could do. 
    image
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards