Wedding Woes

What kind of family and friends 'organization' do you think you're running?

Dear Prudence,

I am a highly organized person who plans events for a living. I’ve always been prepared and anticipated and handled other people’s needs, usually joyfully. My therapist says that’s why I’ve attracted low-functioning people who need a high-functioning partner and friend, and that honestly never bothered me before. Suddenly and shockingly, however, I’m having a bout of depression, and I just don’t want to do everything anymore. I’m burned out, I’m tired, and I need to pull back. I love my family, friends, and partner, but I have trained them all over decades to expect that I will be the one to handle everything. I know I need to start taking things off my plate, but the thought of delegating seems overwhelming. Every time I try, they either procrastinate the task so unreasonably that I’m forced to step back in, or they have so many minor questions that by the time they’re fully briefed I could have completed it many times over. I know what I need to do, but I am botching the execution, which only makes me more depressed and resentful, too. My friends and family seem eager to help but are, I guess understandably, a little thrown that suddenly the dynamic has shifted so much. Any advice on how to turn this around? I know I could seek out more responsible folks to hang with, but that is just not something I’m able to tackle right now.

—Put That Burden Down

Re: What kind of family and friends 'organization' do you think you're running?

  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited February 2020
    I find this letter a little confusing. What needs has this person been handling for others? What are they trying to delegate now? 

    Either way, I think LW needs to let these people know that they're not in a place to guide their family/friends/partner all the way through whatever it is they're supposed to be doing right right now. They're (presumably) adults and will need to figure it out themselves. 

    I suspect LW has some control issues and needs to learn to let go and stop making themselves responsible for other adults.
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  • Most likely, the issue is NOT the people you're surrounding yourself with LW.   

    I propose that the issue is that you're a lousy manager, a bit of a control freak and you're hesitant to let it go. 

    Instead of discussing the responsibility of the people you're with, unless you are truly hanging out with people of lower intelligence, the answer is that you could benefit from management training.   Your issue is NOT unheard of and is quite common.   You are going to have to tweak your approach and will also have to accept that if things get accomplished to the correct degree through a path you may not have taken, that is still success.  

    Look into local classes or even some Franklin Covey options online.   You'll be surprised at how that may give you a fresh outlook. 
  • “I cannot plan the family reunion this year I simply do not have enough capacity. The park needs to be reserved by Memorial Day and here’s the number for the caterer I used last year if you want to use them again. Best of luck with planning”. And be done. If someone else doesn’t pick up the slack then it wasn’t important enough to follow through. 

    But also, your friends and family don’t work for you. Be clear about what you can and can’t do now, and follow through. Understand though if you’re asking someone else to take over you ave to actually let them. They might do it differently/slower/not how you would do it and that’s okay! You have to learn to let go. 
  • This feels like a really hard question to answer without more specifics.

    What do they NEED to do for their family and friends?  I suspect the real answer to that is "nothing".  They just historically have done x,y,z.  So stop it and learn that "no" is not a bad word.  Grown adults can handle their own stuff and can figure it out.

    Right now, LW needs to self-care and get rid of anything stressful that isn't necessary.  Focus on only their own needs and scale those down as much as they can.  They mention a partner.  The partner needs to step up.  That's the only person with whom it might be worthwhile to give some "training" to, so that this person can repeatedly lighten the LW's own load.  Which I assume includes errands/tasks that are for the household anyway.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I have a friend like this, at least in some aspects. I think it is more of the "control freak" aspect rather than low functioning people. This may not be what LW means but I totally see it in terms of things like household or childcare - if LW has been the one doing all of that either from control issues or whatever, of course others aren't going to then live up to your standards and it is a hard shift to make. 

    For family all I can think of is being the one to plan/host get togethers? I see that sometimes where a family member is always the one getting people together and then they get tired of it but others don't step up. I've had that in friendships before, I used to be the one to get a group together a lot and i finally got tired of it and stepped back and now we hardly ever talk/get together because no one was willing to do it. But i figured that was just letting nature take its course. 
  • Whew boy, I could've written this letter.  I wouldn't have called anyone "low functioning" the way LW did, but I know what LW is talking about and feeling.

    I supposed I can be considered a control freak, though I kind of cringe at applying it to myself.  I know where it came from, though that's not much help.  I can recognize myself doing it and that is becoming more helpful.  But it's hard for me not to do something for someone, it's not just being controlling, it's my love language.  It makes me happy...until it doesn't.

    LW is going to have to learn to let go, just let go and let what happens, happens.  B/c truthfully, there's really not much that can't be flubbed up by other people and fixed by other people.  I have grit my teeth and made myself say, "I'm sure there's someone you can call for that," or "Just google it, that's how I learned it."  Or just ignore the message with the question.  You'll learn to spot the difference between the person trying to learn how to do it and the person trying to shove it off on you.
  • Short form... LW is picking up her doormat and closing the Doormat T-shirt business!  

    This isn't a magic fairy wand for the LW, this is something that's going to take persistence to rewrite!  Some people are going to leave LW's life because they're what are called "Energy Vampires" that for as much as she gives they will take every last ounce of that energy.  Think of LW as the organized person paired with the lazy group in a school project, one person ends up with the bulk of the work not because they're a control freak but because they get the job done while everyone else is busy making excuses and prioritizing other things in their life.  LW has to be o.k. with "let them fall" and not being their rescuer...  LW has been their enabler at the cost of her own health and wellbeing!
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