I enjoy my emotional affair and don't want to end it, but I feel like I should.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been married for almost 17 years to the only man I’d only been with (I was 21, and he was 19). I work in a predominantly male industry, so I have what I call “work husbands.” I have found one in particular who is 1,500 miles away and have worked with for close to four years. All of our interaction has been through email or work calls. Over the last several months, we’ve taken our work relationship to a personal level, so much so that we call or text each other on our personal cells after work to just vent about the day. We work in the same industry, so we have the same frustrations and even share the same customers. He has become one of my closest confidants. We have shared personal thoughts, pictures, etc. Is it possible to have a work spouse many miles away who you can develop feelings for? How do you suggest handling those feelings? He is not married, but I still very much am. Quitting my job is not an option, and to be honest, I don’t want to stop talking to him. He understands me and my workload better than my husband ever could. What do I do?

—Love My Work Husband

levioosa

Sounds like an awful lot of romanticizing. 

MissKittyDanger

Someone clarify if I'm wrong, but to me it doesn't sound like an emotional affair at all.
Unless LW is hiding stuff, then maybe.

Work spouses do not have to be close - it's just typical.

banana468

Keep the calls to venting about the company or the situation.

There isn't anything wrong with having dialogue.   But if this gets in the way of your marriage you have an issue.   

Not everything needs to be like a dinner with Mike Pence but IMO if you don't want your husband finding out the details of your conversations with this person it is a sign that you're in bad territory. 

charlotte989875

How close is close, and how personal is personal. I occasionally text with the guys I work with- if they or I have an after hours question or if we need to bitch about something out of the office. It’s rare (much rarer than LW) but I think that it’s happening isn’t necessarily wrong. 

Now does LW have romantic feelings for work husband? Does she talk to WH about things she doesn’t or wouldn’t with her actual husband? And is her marriage being impacted by her relationship with her WH? If yes then maybe there’s more to it that LW needs to address. 

VarunaTT

This is confusing me b/c she doesn't really talk about feelings just her work stuff.  I guess (assumption of hetero-), if this person were the same gender, would LW feel she was crossing a line into more-than-just-work-friends?  It's weird, b/c this really does sound straight up like a work BFF, that even if you go out with them, you end up just talking about work stuffs.  That's not a romantic relationship.

I sometimes text my boss, but it's always politics, Schitt's Creek, and podcast related.  I haven't met his wife, but we've both discussed I probably need to since we do chat about some personal things (it just hasn't happened).  This doesn't translate into feelings on either side.  

This almost feels like LW has some marriage issues, has this really amazing connection over here and since it's with a man, it must be romantic, right?  LW needs to separate the two in her mind.  Work husband could have bad hygiene for all LW really knows or be gay, or somehow otherwise unavailable/unattractive to her.

downtondiva

It's fine to talk to this guy about work stuff. It's true that he'll understand the ins and outs of the job, the frustrating people you have to deal with, and so forth better than your husband ever will. It's nice to be able to vent and talk about these things without having to explain them to someone first.

But if you think you're in danger of falling in love with this guy and/or beginning an emotional affair with him, you need to keep the discussion to work, and if you do talk about anything besides work, it shouldn't be anything very personal. You shouldn't be confiding in him the way you would with a spouse or discussing any concerns you have about your marriage with him. If you find yourself doing any of this, you need to take a huge step back and start creating a little more distance with this colleague.

mrsconn23

VarunaTT said:

This is confusing me b/c she doesn't really talk about feelings just her work stuff.  I guess (assumption of hetero-), if this person were the same gender, would LW feel she was crossing a line into more-than-just-work-friends?  It's weird, b/c this really does sound straight up like a work BFF, that even if you go out with them, you end up just talking about work stuffs.  That's not a romantic relationship.

I sometimes text my boss, but it's always politics, Schitt's Creek, and podcast related.  I haven't met his wife, but we've both discussed I probably need to since we do chat about some personal things (it just hasn't happened).  This doesn't translate into feelings on either side.  

This almost feels like LW has some marriage issues, has this really amazing connection over here and since it's with a man, it must be romantic, right?  LW needs to separate the two in her mind.  Work husband could have bad hygiene for all LW really knows or be gay, or somehow otherwise unavailable/unattractive to her.

"Love Is Blind" workplace edition.  Hee. 

CharmedPam

I need more info on “personal pictures” like what are you sending here? And LW talks about feelings developing (I assume - most of it has been work talk) on her end... is she sure work hubby has those feelings?

climbingsingle

I think if she has feelings for him, it would be bordering on an emotional affair. But if it's strictly platonic, I don't see the issue. You know, as long as the personal photos are not nekkid ones. 

kerbohl

I don't know ... this just sounds like a good work friend.  I think she might be reading into it, but yes, maybe there is some missing information here.  I've definitely had close relationships with guys that I work with - going out with them after work, texting and emailing, talking about "personal" stuff (major life details stuff, like where I'm going on vacation, not intimate details).  I have never, NEVER, thought of them as emotional affairs.  

Maybe LW has never had a friend of someone of the sex that she fancies, and she is having a hard time navigating that?  

MyNameIsNot

I hate hate hate the concept of work spouses. It's just so ick. 

I have a relationship with a co-worker that sounds a lot like what she describes. We text and call each other's personal cells even after the workday. We discuss our personal lives and are also confidants and supporters for career stuff. We exchange funny photos and a lot of memes. I could go as far as to say that he understands the office politics and people we work with far better than my husband ever will. You know what I call him? My friend. Because that's what a friendship is. 

It sounds like either LW is downplaying some aspects of what's going on here, or she's never had an actual friendship with a man before. 

VarunaTT

MyNameIsNot said:

I hate hate hate the concept of work spouses. It's just so ick. 

I also don't like the concept.

Roller derby takes this nonsense to a whole.nother.level with derby wives.  THEY ACTUALLY DO A PROPOSAL IN PUBLIC and exchange something (doesn't have to be a ring) and other shit, y'all.  K told me about this when we first started dating.  I'm assuming my face showed my thoughts on this, b/c they dropped it at the time.  Then they had someone who wanted K as a derby wife.  K asked me and I was just like, I'm supremely uncomfortable with this verbiage and the appearance that it's given in the sport.  

K also having a history of dating their derby wives was not far from my mind either. 

MissKittyDanger

We joke in our office we're sister-wives because our office is the only one in the company that's all female lol
Otherwise, I've never been into the work spouse idea.