Wedding Woes

You're just booking trips all willy-nilly without a formal invite?

Dear Prudence,

Three times in the past year, my boyfriend and I have been verbally invited to weddings but never received formal invitations. In one instance we were told the verbal invite was the save-the-date, so we made travel arrangements to their international destination wedding location. We only realized we weren’t invited after we saw the formal invitation posted on another friend’s fridge. I’m not sure how to handle this. I understand that weddings are expensive, and I would not be insulted if we had never been invited; however, telling us to book our flights and then failing to actually invite us is expensive on our end, too! I also feel like it creates a weird tension between us and the newlyweds when we see them after the invitations go out.

We recently went out of town with a couple who verbally invited us, and we couldn’t have a casual conversation about their upcoming wedding without seeing them tense up. At this point, we knew the wedding was only two weeks away, so we had long assumed we were no longer invited. My boyfriend says I need to let it go because they probably didn’t mean to do anything rude, but I’m having a hard time. How do I reset? Is there a way to kindly point out that this impacts us, too?

—RSVP

Re: You're just booking trips all willy-nilly without a formal invite?

  • Stop assuming you're invited. Verbal means fuck all.

    BIL and FSIL have verbally said BabyKitten is going to be flower girl, but until invites go out and they say something, we're assuming she isn't going to be. I'm not buying a fancy dress for her unless we're 100%

    LW put this issue on themself.
  • You're going to have to realize that unless you have the save the date or invitation a verbal invite is useless for a wedding.  It sucks and it's crappy if friends did this but why would you invest $ on it? 

    Let it be a lesson that if someone says, "Oh you're totally invited," you need to craft responses.  "I'm thrilled!  I can't wait to see your save the date with all the details!"

    And if you actually booked flights....what's stopping you from not taking the trip if the wedding was in a fun place? 

    Also, this is going to be a hard lesson in life.   And I think it's going to be well worth it for anything that a lot of people don't put a lot of trust in the spoken word and it has to be documented in order to be considered anything remotely binding. 
  • We finally have a letter from the person who is asking, "Am I invited?!" to people's weddings.  B/c really, how does this come up at all?  I feel like to happen it's a straight ask or you make the person feel awkward until they invite you.  Just chat with people about their weddings or, if you can't do it w/out pushing for an invite, don't talk to them about their weddings at all.

    Verbal invites aren't invites.  
    charlotte989875
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think this is one of those situations where everyone is screwing up. 

    These couples getting married should not be verbally inviting people or telling them to book their flights unless they are absolutely 100% sure they'll be sending them a formal invitation later on. 

    However, I also think LW and boyfriend should know better than to make expensive travel arrangements based on a verbal invite. Assume nothing until you receive a formal invite or save-the-date in the mail. Yes, it's rude to verbally invite someone and then not officially invite them, but it happens. People can get overexcited when it comes to weddings and then face the realities of budget and space constraints and suddenly realize they can't invite the whole world.

    By the way, does anyone else think it's odd that this has happened to them THREE times in the last year? That just seems like a lot. 
    This is where I am. I do feel it's rude on the part of the couple to verbally invite and then not follow it up with a formal invite. When someone comes on here and asks about that scenario, I'd say they need to follow through and invite whomever they verbally invited.

    But the fact that it happened 3 times in one year suggests LW is fishing for an invite or misunderstanding what a verbal invite is. 
    charlotte989875short+sassy
  • I don't see the 'verbal' invite thing happening three times as that big a red flag.  DH and I don't have a HUGE friend group or anything, but we spent about 3 years of our 20's going to weddings ALL the time.  We were lucky that most were local or driving distance.  People who have a big network of acquaintances and/or work 'friends', especially if they're all 'going out' friends, I can see being tipsy and all, "Oh I HAVE to invite you to our wedding in Antigua.  You're my Frrrriiiieeennndddd!"  

    LW and their partner's dumbasses should have circled back before assuming that was as good as a done deal. 
    charlotte989875OliveOilsMom
  • I think this is one of those situations where everyone is screwing up. 

    These couples getting married should not be verbally inviting people or telling them to book their flights unless they are absolutely 100% sure they'll be sending them a formal invitation later on. 

    However, I also think LW and boyfriend should know better than to make expensive travel arrangements based on a verbal invite. Assume nothing until you receive a formal invite or save-the-date in the mail. Yes, it's rude to verbally invite someone and then not officially invite them, but it happens. People can get overexcited when it comes to weddings and then face the realities of budget and space constraints and suddenly realize they can't invite the whole world.

    By the way, does anyone else think it's odd that this has happened to them THREE times in the last year? That just seems like a lot. 
    This is where I am. I do feel it's rude on the part of the couple to verbally invite and then not follow it up with a formal invite. When someone comes on here and asks about that scenario, I'd say they need to follow through and invite whomever they verbally invited.

    But the fact that it happened 3 times in one year suggests LW is fishing for an invite or misunderstanding what a verbal invite is. 
    Totally!  Are these drunken party invites or are they just not really knowing personal interaction? 

    Are the weddings in parks? 
    OliveOilsMom
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    @banana468 I was thinking this too!  Were they sober when they “invited” these people?  !!!

  • Never assume you’re invited until you’re invited. It’s sucks your friends are either verbally inviting without a clue and/or that you’re finishing for invitations and people don’t know how to politely say no. Either way, stop booking travel plans until you have an invitation in hand. 
    short+sassy
  • Most of this letter smacks me as odd.  But I also tend to be someone who flat out doesn't travel for weddings, unless it is an immediate family member or BFF-level friend.  Maybe if it was somewhere I wanted to go anyway.  And then I'd just go on that vacation anyway, even if they "took back" the verbal invite.

    I also tend to be more jaded than the average Jane on people doing what they say.  So I'm just not going to make any major plans, without confirmation.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I feel like everyone is potentially in the wrong here. But I am also willing to bet at least one of these interactions happened like this:

    LW: When is the wedding happening? How excited are you?!

    Bride/Groom: We’re thinking they weekend of October 18! We can’t wait to celebrate with everyone!


    image
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    LW is totally Jashley!
    charlotte989875banana468
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards