Cory should just not be around these people any more.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My adult child “Cory,” who is 32 and on the spectrum, came out to my husband’s siblings four years ago. In all that time, not one of them has tried to understand. They all roll their eyes, use Cory’s birth name, and “forget” pronouns. Part of the problem is that the family sees any sort of queerness itself as a moral failing—something Cory can and should “un-choose.” They give lip service to loving Cory and to “supporting” their “choices.” They then use this love to guilt Cory out of asking them to use the correct name and pronouns. This has led to a rift, with Cory, myself, and my husband as the odd ducks out. Cory is heartbroken, to the extent of writing to each member (twice) to ask for real acceptance. No one responded. My husband has said he will not discuss the issue with his siblings, preferring to simply limit our time with them to once every few years. I would rather be clean and cut them off (loudly) without looking back. Neither my husband nor Cory is OK with that. Do you have any advice as to how I can support Cory with the family while not resenting the hell out of all of them?

—Hate Husband’s Family

VarunaTT

I think husband has done what he can as a compromise and it's implied Cory has done what Cory wants to do as well.  LW should get to do what she wants to, so just don't go with husband (and presumably Cory) when the events do come up every few years.  But none of them really get to tell each other what to do in this particular situation.  I think LW should just follow Cory's lead, but if LW is truly uncomfortable with that, I don't think she should have to since she is supportive of Cory.

And FFS, husband and Cory, don't make an excuse for LW not being there.  "She thinks you're all assholes and doesn't want to be here with you," is a perfectly acceptable response (maybe nicer, I'm in sassy Varuna mode this week).

MissKittyDanger

As much as LW wants to do things, I personally thing Cory needs to be the one in charge - since it's them being personally treated poorly.

I gotta say, if my family did that to BabyKitten I would feel the same as LW - wanting to just be mad and cut them off.

banana468

You don't.

You tell the family that these are not favors, not requests and not something that conflicts with any alleged morality.   Cory has stated how they are to be addressed and there is no response that defends willfully refusing to do it. 

I'd be pretty clear if this was my spouse I'd be clear that contact with the siblings should be on a business relationship only at this point.    Maybe he doesn't want to discuss this with them because he knows that they will not change.   Perhaps that's the case.  Then take them off all other correspondence and personal relationships.    

OliveOilsMom

LW should go by Cory's feelings.  I think the H tried, but the siblings are just assholes at this point, but he is rightfully keeping the time spent with them to a minimum.  I don't know if Cory being on the spectrum has anything to do with this. other than Cory may not be able to assert themselves well enough to say "Aunt/Uncle, these are the pronouns and this is my name."

I actually don't think that LW should no longer visit the siblings.  If something comes up and Cory is going, LW should go too.  LW can correct the siblings as they say the wrong pronouns/name.  "Karen, their name is Cory - why is it so difficult to remember?" with the slight head tilt and innocent eyes.  Let Aunt Karen stew in her assholeness and stutter out some bullshit answer.

kerbohl

I agree with PP - Cory needs to be in charge, and LW should follow the lead.  And I think it would perfectly fine if LW has to interact with them at any time to say "Cory has decided that they still want a relationship, and I want to respect that decision, despite finding it unacceptable how you have treated them through this".  

Sometimes supporting someone means not getting angry at others on their behalf.  I've been there, and it sucks - I've wanted to burn bridges and cut ties, but in the end it might end up hurting the person you are trying to support.  

charlotte989875

I like sassy @VarunaTT! And I agree. You don’t all have to feel the same way about them, or interact with them in the same way (or at all). I think it’s fine to skip the trips (and hard agree husband should not make excuses for LW) and Corey should get to decide how he wants to manage the relationship. 

However if Corey is a people pleaser and may have social abilities that are not like the LW and her husband I would make sure to check in with Corey before all interactions to ensure he really does want to attend and that he’s prepared for them not to be accepting. I think it’s fine to make sure he knows he decides and can change his mind.