"Mom and dad, I am not a 'back-up' option for these children."

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I am in my 30s. My parents have become enthusiastic foster parents and have told me they have plans to adopt several of their foster kids, two of whom are special needs. I am uncomfortable because my mother has made comments about me needing to know my “siblings” so when the worst happens I will be able to take care of them. Some of these kids will never be able to live without regular care. My father had serious health problems several years ago. I am concerned they are biting off more than they can chew here and don’t know how to have this conversation with them. I love my parents, and if their health declined I would move home to help, but I have zero connection to these kids. I am not concerned about the estate, but my parents are not overly wealthy. Both sets of my grandparents lived long lives but had serious health issues. My parents are healthy now, but five or 10 years from now? I live far away and only can visit twice a year. How do I talk about my concerns without looking like a witch? They are very happy helping these kids.

—Not Parenting

MissKittyDanger

That last sentence could kind of be a start of conversation
"Mom, dad. I don't live close, before you adopt - can we go over things? I'm not sure where my life will be if something happens, so I cannot guarantee I'll be able to move home and help."

Or something like that.

banana468

Be pretty clear, "Mom and Dad I think what you are doing is wonderful.   I applaud what you are doing however this is not an arrangement that I plan to do in the event that you are unable to continue this for health or logistical reasons.   I do hope you have contacted an estate attorney to ensure that I am not involved in the care of the children in the event that you are unable to continue to do so." 

Should it sound like it falls on deaf ears I'd consider a consultation with an attorney of my own.   

charlotte989875

While your folks may want to do this wonderful thing you do not need to step in if they can’t care for them. But I do think the time is now to have this conversation. And there’s no easy way to do it. 

“Mom, Dad I’m happy to get to know my future siblings, but as siblings only. I am not, and will not, be able to care for them in the event you are not able to. Please find someone else to be their legal guardian if the worst should happen”. Then call an attorney in case they try to do it anyway. 

MyNameIsNot

I think you have to rip off the bandaid and have the uncomfortable conversation. I don't think LW should phrase it around not knowing or having an existing relationship with these kids, but rather about not having the intention to care for any children. "I'm honored that you'd ask me to be a guardian, but unfortunately I'm not able to commit to being their caretaker. I'm sure you'll find a suitable alternative plan." I'm not sure I'd try to talk them out of adoption, but I would probably offer up my plans before they pull the trigger. 

I have a close friend who has a special needs brother who will never be able to live on his own. She loves her brother, but she is not willing to put her own life aside to care for him full-time when the time comes that her parents aren't able to. (Caring for him is a lot of work, and there is considerable expense.) Her parents just assumed that either she or her sister would do it. Now that they're in their 70's and figuring out their end of life plan, she's had to have that conversation with them. The whole thing is really sad, but it's better for them to make arrangements now than for my friend to be scrambling to figure something out while managing her own grief and everything else that comes with losing a parent. 

MissKittyDanger

banana468 said:

Be pretty clear, "Mom and Dad I think what you are doing is wonderful.   I applaud what you are doing however this is not an arrangement that I plan to do in the event that you are unable to continue this for health or logistical reasons.   I do hope you have contacted an estate attorney to ensure that I am not involved in the care of the children in the event that you are unable to continue to do so." 

Should it sound like it falls on deaf ears I'd consider a consultation with an attorney of my own.   

I like your wording better than mine

OliveOilsMom

Not only thinking about LW, but the kids involved.  How fair would it be to them to have to begin living all over again and possibly in a new city with a stranger?

flantastic

OliveOilsMom said:

Not only thinking about LW, but the kids involved.  How fair would it be to them to have to begin living all over again and possibly in a new city with a stranger?

I mean, it's great that you can provide them the loving home they need right now, but another thing the children also need is stability. If you don't have a reasonable expectation you can be in it for the amount of time they need you, don't be the person who commits to doing that for them.