You were court ordered to buy a car?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I don’t have the best relationship with my ex. While we were in marriage counseling, she got pregnant and got her lover to leave his wife. She tends to treat me like an inconvenience to her Brady Bunch fantasy instead of like a co-parent. I had to go to court to keep her from unilaterally moving my daughter out of state. My daughter is turning 16 soon, and the custody agreement says that I’ll pay for her car and insurance. But now my daughter tells me that her mom has said she gets the “final say,” since it would be a “waste” to give a new car to a teenager—so my ex would drive the new car, and our daughter would drive the old station wagon. My daughter is miserable and pleaded with me not to get mad at her mom. I feel like banging my head against a wall. Counseling doesn’t work. Mediation doesn’t work. I would try to get full custody, but I travel enough for work that it wouldn’t be fair to my daughter. At this point, I am wondering if I should just pay for all my daughter’s Ubers and wait until graduation for the car. What should I do?

—Car Trouble

OliveOilsMom

It's a court order, so if LW doesn't follow through - the ex can take him to court.  But also - does LW have to buy a brand new car?  If LW and daughter can agree to an older car that mom wouldn't want, maybe LW can promise to daughter that he will buy her a better car before college, during or after college.  Or maybe he can just buy the daughter a Smartcar - its probably much too small for mom to drive around.

I don't think mom should get final say in a car that LW is buying, but I also don't think teenagers should have brand new cars either.  So I at least agree with that aspect of this letter!

Counseling and Mediation don't work, but what about going directly to the court for guidance.  Since LW has to buy a car and pay for insurance - I would take this to mean that LW is wealthy or pretty well off to have something like this put into the custody agreement.

charlotte989875

I mean even if you register the car & put insurance in the daughters name is the mom going to try and drive it? I definitely think if everything has been through the court this needs to be, too. The car is for the kid not the Mom and if he’s paying I don’t see how she gets a say. And she definitely doesn’t get to drive it!

levioosa

Side note: at 16 aren’t you allowed to decide which parent you’d like to live with? I’m not too familiar with the laws. 

short+sassy

I'm still trying to understand the court order.  Should I have taken my parents to court when I was 16 and made the judge give a court order that they had to buy me a car and pay for my insurance, lmao?

But I'm sure there are many ways around it.  Buy the daughter a cheap used car for now and a new car after she turns 18 (if that's what the LW wants to do).  And/or especially if the LW has to pay for insurance, maybe they can go back to court and add to the order that the ex can't drive the car provided.

VarunaTT

He's going to need to talk to any attorney, b/c this is rather dependent on what the decree says and if what it says is open to interpretation.

B/c my first thought is he can buy whatever car he pleases in his name and allow his daughter to drive it, put daughter/vehicle on his insurance and makes sure ex-wife is an excluded driver on the vehicle.  That's paying for her car and her insurance.

But if the decree has something that would give the mother final say, that changes things.

I understand it's upsetting, but he might be able to work around exW without causing his daughter any drama.  

short+sassy

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

I don’t have the best relationship with my ex. While we were in marriage counseling, she got pregnant and got her lover to leave his wife. She tends to treat me like an inconvenience to her Brady Bunch fantasy instead of like a co-parent. I had to go to court to keep her from unilaterally moving my daughter out of state. My daughter is turning 16 soon, and the custody agreement says that I’ll pay for her car and insurance. But now my daughter tells me that her mom has said she gets the “final say,” since it would be a “waste” to give a new car to a teenager—so my ex would drive the new car, and our daughter would drive the old station wagon. My daughter is miserable and pleaded with me not to get mad at her mom. I feel like banging my head against a wall. Counseling doesn’t work. Mediation doesn’t work. I would try to get full custody, but I travel enough for work that it wouldn’t be fair to my daughter. At this point, I am wondering if I should just pay for all my daughter’s Ubers and wait until graduation for the car. What should I do?

—Car Trouble

It would be so fun for the LW to talk to talk to the ex and be in total agreement with her.  Like, "Daughter told me you thought it would be a waste to buy a teenager a new car.  That's such a good point!  I don't know what I was thinking.  I'm sure the three of us can find a safe, reliable used car that we can all be happy with."  **cough...that isn't newer or nicer than your station wagon...cough**

kerbohl

Simple.  Say that you've decided the best option is to have the daughter drive a car she is already comfortable with, and offer to buy the ex's station wagon.  Yeah, the daughter gets a crappy car, but the ex can buy her own brand new car then.

MyNameIsNot

levioosa said:

Side note: at 16 aren’t you allowed to decide which parent you’d like to live with? I’m not too familiar with the laws. 

It depends. Most states have some sort of provision that allows for a teen to sign an election to choose their parent, but it doesn't necessarily mean that the election is binding. Plus, it's still a modification and would still need to go through legal process. All that and, LW doesn't seem like he really thinks being the primary custodian is the best option here anyway.

Most likely scenario (from someone who spent too long in family law) is that this was written into a settlement agreement negotiated by the two parents rather than by a judge after a trial. It's then incorporated into the decree and enforceable by the mother. Nonetheless, unless the agreement is written to require a brand new car, a decent used car in LW's name with daughter listed as a driver on his insurance would be appropriate, especially if it's the sort of car that doesn't appeal to the mom. 

ei34

I know of a couple of semi-similar scenarios. Or instances for when the kids are older -written in when the kids were small- that will have financial impact on all parties.  In one the ex-H had to pay for the kid's college tuition and fees.  The exW  (my aunt's best friend) was pissed because the kid ended up choosing a $15,000/yr school instead of the $70,000/yr one she was pushing.  In another scenario, a different aunt's H (I guess technically my uncle, but they got married when I was in high school so I never called him Uncle __) couldn't sell his house until the youngest child had turned 21. It had been his before he married his exW, and the condition was she could live there with their four children, but only until the youngest was 21.  
Actually, now that I think about it, my H had the can't-sell-the-house-until-the-youngest-is-21 thing on his side too.  Both wives made a big stink about being kicked out.  

banana468

My aunt has a good friend who is court ordered to pay his daughter's college tuition.   He pushed back on the grad school idea and said, "BU was on me.   Grad school is on you."  

Same aunt's ex-h tried to pull the divorce settlement as a reason he wouldn't pay for the son's orthodontic work.   She said she'd pay and then a few years later they split. 

From what I understand, divorce settlements can include things that are not necessarily what a child would get from two married parents. 

STARMOON44

@banana468 yeah divorce decrees where I live routinely include provisions requiring payment for college

banana468

STARMOON44 said:

@banana468 yeah divorce decrees where I live routinely include provisions requiring payment for college

Right.  And yet that's not a requirement of married parents. 

MesmrEwe

All depends on what the decree says...  IMO, buy the station wagon from the ex or similar level car, and on their 18th B-day hand her the keys to a new(er) nice vehicle that splits the difference in cost provided the decree doesn't say "NEW" vehicle on the 16th Birthday...