How to break it to a bridesmaid...

hoothoot44

...that she may end up out of the wedding.

I'm getting married in May and only have 2 bridesmaids. My MOH is a long time friend, and my other bridesmaid is my fiancee's Best Mans fiancee. I got engaged in February of last year and we went out and got my wedding dress and the bridesmaids dresses in July. They're very beautiful charcoal gray with lace and a top that covers the entire chest, but is sleeveless. The owner of the bridal store measured both girls and ordered a size up just in case they had to take them in a little. We picked the dresses up a few weeks later when they came in, but the bridal shop closed shop permanently a month after that, freaking us all out.

Flash forward to last month. We were able to contact the owner and she said she still did alterations out of her home (whew), so I could get my dress hemmed and bustled and that's where it's currently at now. My bridesmaid dresses are there too, but with one possibly major problem...

After much struggling getting both girls on the same schedule, we finally got them in to try on their dresses. My MOH fit perfectly with room to spare, and only needed her dress hemmed and the straps shortened. My other bridesmaid...however...was having a hard time. My mother was helping her into her dress when she realized it wasn't zipping. My MOH went in to help hold the dress closed so my mom could zip, and it still wouldn't go. My mom called in her fiancee, who held her midriff in while my mom pulled it way down on her back and zipped it only 75% of the way. My mom asked if she could breathe and she said "Oh yeah this is ok. I might have to diet." No one knew what to say as clearly she was struggling. 

The dress has already been ordered larger than she measured, and with the shop being closed we cannot order her another dress, nor will we pay for another one as they weren't cheap to begin with. My fiancee spoke to his Best Man in private about her diet idea because they've both seen first hand that her dieting in the past has backfired. We also told him to break it to her that the dress cant be let out, due to the lace and design, nor can a corset be installed without it looking very out of place and being an expensive addition. We're hoping he can help her but if worse comes to worse and she gains a pound or two more there's no way shes fitting into it at all.

Is there a cushioned way to break it to her without coming off so harsh? She's not really very close to me, and in fact she doesn't like multiple aspects about me to begin with. I offered if she would want to be my bridesmaid due to her fiancee being the Best Man and us having been somewhat accustomed to one another due to me and my fiancee being close to her boyfriend for so many years. Shes always been very upset anytime she's been left out of something, which was the main reason I offered. It wouldn't break my heart to have her be removed from the wedding party, (nor would it hers for any reason regarding me), but I know she would not go out and attempt to find her own dress that fit the color scheme in time, even if that were an option. I believe she sort of realizes that she's in trouble regarding the dress, but I don't think the whole reality of the situation is setting in. 

CharmedPam

You’re right. It was getting pretty slow in here.  Thanks for coming in to post this MUD, it’s been awhile and we needed it!

downtondiva

Well, your first mistake was asking her to be a bridesmaid when you didn't feel close to her and already knew she wasn't your biggest fan. 

But that issue aside, this kind of reads to me like you're wanting to her out of the wedding as punishment for her having trouble losing weight and/or maintaining a certain weight. I just find that unreasonable, and I think it's weird that your FI talked to the best man about the dieting issue. Can't you find another dress in the same color or a color that looks good with charcoal gray? Maybe it's just me, but kicking her out over the dress doesn't seem worth the possible consequences to your and FI's friendship with the best man, even if this bridesmaid isn't your favorite person.

levioosa

hoothoot44 said:

...that she may end up out of the wedding.

I'm getting married in May and only have 2 bridesmaids. My MOH is a long time friend, and my other bridesmaid is my fiancee's Best Mans fiancee. I got engaged in February of last year and we went out and got my wedding dress and the bridesmaids dresses in July. They're very beautiful charcoal gray with lace and a top that covers the entire chest, but is sleeveless. The owner of the bridal store measured both girls and ordered a size up just in case they had to take them in a little. We picked the dresses up a few weeks later when they came in, but the bridal shop closed shop permanently a month after that, freaking us all out.

Flash forward to last month. We were able to contact the owner and she said she still did alterations out of her home (whew), so I could get my dress hemmed and bustled and that's where it's currently at now. My bridesmaid dresses are there too, but with one possibly major problem...

After much struggling getting both girls on the same schedule, we finally got them in to try on their dresses. My MOH fit perfectly with room to spare, and only needed her dress hemmed and the straps shortened. My other bridesmaid...however...was having a hard time. My mother was helping her into her dress when she realized it wasn't zipping. My MOH went in to help hold the dress closed so my mom could zip, and it still wouldn't go. My mom called in her fiancee, who held her midriff in while my mom pulled it way down on her back and zipped it only 75% of the way. My mom asked if she could breathe and she said "Oh yeah this is ok. I might have to diet." No one knew what to say as clearly she was struggling. 

The dress has already been ordered larger than she measured, and with the shop being closed we cannot order her another dress, nor will we pay for another one as they weren't cheap to begin with. My fiancee spoke to his Best Man in private about her diet idea because they've both seen first hand that her dieting in the past has backfired. We also told him to break it to her that the dress cant be let out, due to the lace and design, nor can a corset be installed without it looking very out of place and being an expensive addition. We're hoping he can help her but if worse comes to worse and she gains a pound or two more there's no way shes fitting into it at all.

Is there a cushioned way to break it to her without coming off so harsh? She's not really very close to me, and in fact she doesn't like multiple aspects about me to begin with. I offered if she would want to be my bridesmaid due to her fiancee being the Best Man and us having been somewhat accustomed to one another due to me and my fiancee being close to her boyfriend for so many years. Shes always been very upset anytime she's been left out of something, which was the main reason I offered. It wouldn't break my heart to have her be removed from the wedding party, (nor would it hers for any reason regarding me), but I know she would not go out and attempt to find her own dress that fit the color scheme in time, even if that were an option. I believe she sort of realizes that she's in trouble regarding the dress, but I don't think the whole reality of the situation is setting in. 

On the off chance this isn’t MUD....


you are being incredibly selfish and self-centered. It’s a friggen dress.

banana468

I think you'll have no groomsman if you do this.  Find a better seamstress or talk to the friend and see what SHE wants to do.  

But kicking her out because you weren't that close and the dress doesn't fit?  Wow with friends like you.... 

MyNameIsNot

I guess people are home for covid and trying to entertain themselves by making stuff up.

Could you imagine if someone was actually like this? 

climbingsingle

This can't be real. I refuse to believe someone could be so cruel. 

short+sassy

Trying to make sure I understand all the relevant points:

--You chose a bridal shop that went out of business.
--They ordered the wrong size for your BM.
--But instead of the answer being get your all's money back and order the dress from another shop.  Or just order a similar colored dress from another shop...
--The "only" answers are she needs to go on an extreme diet to drop MULTIPLE sizes in less than two months.  Or you kick her out of your wedding.
--And, just for the icing on top, YOUR fiancé talks to HER fiancé about her WEIGHT and the chances that she can lose some pounds.  Are you serious right now?  It's fine and dandy to mortify your friend because YOUR defunct bridal shop screwed up?

I have a better idea.  How about you stop being such a total, f**king monster and keep your opinions/unreasonable expectations off of other people's bodies.
 

kerbohl

My MOH and bridesmaids had different dresses.  That's pretty common, and it would be pretty easy to find a dress that would compliment the MOH dress and still match.  No one would bat an eye.

I originally tried to get my wedding party to have different outfits.  It's a common way to do a wedding.  But if you are looking for an excuse to kick her out, I guess you could ignore this and use the lack of matching dress as an excuse, though you are going to look really mean.  REALLY mean.  Anytime the conversation of "you have to lose weight to be in my wedding" has to be had, the bride is in the wrong.

levioosa

climbingwife said:

This can't be real. I refuse to believe someone could be so cruel. 

I wish I could say this is for sure MUD. But FSIL was in a wedding where one of the BMs gained a little weight and the bride almost kicked her out. The bride threw a fit, screaming “she knew it was my WEDDING! She knew better than to get fat!!!”

STARMOON44

Wow that’s all some horrific nonsense. Your dresses sound ugly. 

OliveOilsMom

So you ordered BM dresses so far in advance, that one of your BMs could have gotten pregnant and had a baby?  Good plan!

MesmrEwe

Give the BM the parameters to order a different dress from another shop or find the same one in a larger size on ebay!

And - stop being a shi++y person and judging someone for not maintaining the same size from one year to the next.  Life happens.  There was enough time for your BM to have a baby of their own since these dresses were ordered.  Life does not stop because you're getting married.  

mrsconn23

I could not stop thinking about this post this weekend.  I hope it's MUD. 

If it's not, there is currently a global pandemic...so I kind of hope if nothing else does it, the current situation will help reframe your priorities.  

maine7mob

I'm calling troll here, but just in case, no, you can't fire a bridesmaid because she is too big to fit into the dress and guess what? You can't make her diet, either. Bonus points if you also don't make her feel like crap for gaining a few pounds. You are dealing with a human, not a mannequin that's supposed to make your dress look good.