Can you go month to month until you figure it out?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

A few months into my current yearlong lease (with a roommate), my boyfriend of two years and I agreed to move in together once it was up. He has always lived with his parents, while I moved away from home four years ago. We’re both in our early 20s. There is now a month left until I have to move out, and I appear to be doing most of the work in finding us a place! He has just recently left a stressful job and gotten a new one, where he works in the evening. He tells me that he has been contacting estate agents during the day, but I’m the one that’s booked all of the viewings so far. I’ve attended viewings alone after work, but he won’t go to anything unless it’s on his days off. The deadline is stressing me out, and when I talk to him this, he tells me to calm down and that “we’ll sort it.” Prudie, I can’t crash on his mother’s couch if we don’t find a place in time (she doesn’t allow us to share a bed when I stay). When I’ve asked him if he still wants to move in with me, he’s said yes, and he gets excited about the viewings we do go to. How do I stop myself from freaking out and resenting his carefree attitude?

—I’ve Got to Live Somewhere

banana468

Well, you can be firm w/ this.  "We need to do this together.   What time works for you? " 

Or narrow down the choices.

That said, you're setting yourself up for a year of being pissed at him if you don't start talking now about your expectations of living together and what that will bring to the relationship.   It isn't playing house and a division of labor is going to need to be ironed out ideally before you're sharing a lease. 

MyNameIsNot

Don't move in with a man child. Renew your lease and tell him you'll move in with him once he finds a place. 

This doesn't stop with apartment hunting.

kerbohl

He's always lived with his parents, so if might be that he doesn't understand the urgency that comes with finding a new place.  Especially since, once the lease is up, he still has a place to stay.  How would he feel if he didn't know if he would have a home in a month?  I think he'd change his tune and start house hunting in earnest.

banana468

kerbohl said:

He's always lived with his parents, so if might be that he doesn't understand the urgency that comes with finding a new place.  Especially since, once the lease is up, he still has a place to stay.  How would he feel if he didn't know if he would have a home in a month?  I think he'd change his tune and start house hunting in earnest.

And if he doesn't get that urgency she's going to need to talk to him about bill paying, dish washing, and frequency of washing sheets. 

kerbohl

banana468 said:

kerbohl said:

He's always lived with his parents, so if might be that he doesn't understand the urgency that comes with finding a new place.  Especially since, once the lease is up, he still has a place to stay.  How would he feel if he didn't know if he would have a home in a month?  I think he'd change his tune and start house hunting in earnest.

And if he doesn't get that urgency she's going to need to talk to him about bill paying, dish washing, and frequency of washing sheets. 

Exactly.  See, this is why I think there is a huge benefit to everyone living alone before they live with someone.  Going right from a parent's house to the house of a significant other means missing out on certain worldly education.

short+sassy

This letter is confusing and has left me with a lot of questions because there are so many pieces missing that would affect my advice.

--Can she opt for going month-to-month at her current residence?  Though her roommate may have already made other arrangements.
--Why can't she schedule all/most showings when their both available?  That is especially NBD for apartment complexes.  But it's also generally fairly easy to do that, even for individual properties.
--It sounds like they've already gone on a lot of showings.  Soooo, what's the problem?  Why haven't they already made a decision and nailed down a place?  If "neighborhood" has sometimes been an issue for them, then they should do drive-bys of places they're interested in BEFORE scheduling showings.  Major timesaver.

TBH, I'm a little jaded.  Having been on both sides of the rental fence.  It is surprising to me the sheer number of showings some potential tenants go on.  I never did that as a renter.  I did my own major vetting first from the various ads/pictures and either already knew the neighborhoods or even drove past them if I didn't.  So, by the time I contacted a property owner for the showing, I was ready-to-go and just verifying there was nothing unexpected.  I also go on less showings than some of them to BUY properties.

Not that I'm saying people should be willy-nilly when choosing where they are going to live.  Even when it is for just 1-2 years.  But, at the same time, I think a lot of it more comes from a "fear of choosing" inertia.  Because, to be blunt, you can already tell a LOT from ad pictures.  So, when someone goes on a showing, the property should already be a definite possibility/contender.  And, quite frankly, apartment rentals are mostly the same.  And house rentals are mostly the same.  At least in the places I've lived.  So LW, you and your b/f need to stop futzing around and choose a place that checks all/most of the boxes.

charlotte989875

I mean you could tell him if he doesn’t help pick a place within 2 weeks you’re going to find one on your own. But this isn’t exactly the way you start out a partnership of living together. 

He doesn’t get the urgency, and yes he needs to. But how many places do you really need to see? Maybe my experience is the outlier but when I and I first moved in together I didn’t see the place because I was out of town when he saw it and we needed to move fast. When we were moving from Ohio I picked our temporary housing because he wasn’t going to be in Buffalo for two weeks. IDK, we’ve moved more than most people but right out of college I think that’s fairly normal. 

short+sassy

charlotte989875 said:

I mean you could tell him if he doesn’t help pick a place within 2 weeks you’re going to find one on your own. But this isn’t exactly the way you start out a partnership of living together. 

He doesn’t get the urgency, and yes he needs to. But how many places do you really need to see? Maybe my experience is the outlier but when I and I first moved in together I didn’t see the place because I was out of town when he saw it and we needed to move fast. When we were moving from Ohio I picked our temporary housing because he wasn’t going to be in Buffalo for two weeks. IDK, we’ve moved more than most people but right out of college I think that’s fairly normal. 

I've actually had three different sets of tenants who have moved into my properties from out-of-state, without having seen them in person.

All three sets loved the place(s).

For one of them, his aunt lived in town.  She came for a showing, for them.  He contacted me later that day, that she had also liked it and thought it was a good place for them.  They wanted it and we went right into making arrangements for the lease signing (e-mail/scan) and FedExing me the security deposit to hold it.

After they moved in (it was the unit next door to me), we were all hanging out in the backyard playing with our dogs, he shared with me a little more detail of what his aunt had first told him, lol.  She was so excited about the place for them, she didn't even wait to drive home.  She went back to her car and called them before she even left, that they would love it. 

They moved out 13 months later because they bought their own house.  One block over and two blocks down!