Possible proposal at my wedding

knottie7a0de776690c1bc5

So my future husbands younger brother has the absolute worst girlfriend ever. She makes my life a living hell and it’s to the point where I’ve had to seek therapy for her because of the rude mean and obnoxious things she says and does to me. She constantly seeks attention especially during events about me and not her. Any time she finds out I am getting any sort of attention she does whatever it takes to make herself the center of attention. They aren’t even married and any time my wedding comes up she interrupts and starts talking about what she’s going to do for HER wedding. She’s just a girlfriend. Only reason she’s even still invited is because if I don’t invite her, my fiancé’s brother won’t come and that would break his and his parents hearts. He’s tried to propose to her multiple times but she always starts a fight with him. I’ve heard talk that she wants and is demanding him to propose to her at my wedding and he’s thinking about it to make her happy. That’s completely unacceptable to me but my fiancé doesn’t want me to come off as a bridezilla and call her out on it. Is there a way to public ally say for all guests that it is unacceptable and not welcome at my wedding for anyone to propose at my wedding and that’s our day, not a set up for them. That will ruin my day if she finds any way to make it about her or I have to sit while they interrupt my day to make it about them like always. 

banana468

knottie7a0de776690c1bc5 said:

So my future husbands younger brother has the absolute worst girlfriend ever. She makes my life a living hell and it’s to the point where I’ve had to seek therapy for her because of the rude mean and obnoxious things she says and does to me. She constantly seeks attention especially during events about me and not her. Any time she finds out I am getting any sort of attention she does whatever it takes to make herself the center of attention. They aren’t even married and any time my wedding comes up she interrupts and starts talking about what she’s going to do for HER wedding. She’s just a girlfriend. Only reason she’s even still invited is because if I don’t invite her, my fiancé’s brother won’t come and that would break his and his parents hearts. He’s tried to propose to her multiple times but she always starts a fight with him. I’ve heard talk that she wants and is demanding him to propose to her at my wedding and he’s thinking about it to make her happy. That’s completely unacceptable to me but my fiancé doesn’t want me to come off as a bridezilla and call her out on it. Is there a way to public ally say for all guests that it is unacceptable and not welcome at my wedding for anyone to propose at my wedding and that’s our day, not a set up for them. That will ruin my day if she finds any way to make it about her or I have to sit while they interrupt my day to make it about them like always. 

There is no way you can put your foot down on this without coming across as a controlling bridezilla. 

BUT, I can tell you that if this happens no one in their right mind is going to like it.  Instead, if you take the time to act like an adult I can almost guarantee your guests will agree that they should know better.

missJeanLouise

Everything Banana said but I might also mention to the DJ and coordinator (if you are having them) that no one is supposed to have the mic and that this is not welcome. You can't stop him from proposing at your wedding but you can stop them from having a spotlight.

Is your FH cool with this happening or why would his brother think this is okay?

banana468

missJeanLouise said:

Everything Banana said but I might also mention to the DJ and coordinator (if you are having them) that no one is supposed to have the mic and that this is not welcome. You can't stop him from proposing at your wedding but you can stop them from having a spotlight.

Is your FH cool with this happening or why would his brother think this is okay?

Also definitely that about the mic.   If you think it's going to happen you can simply say to the DJ, "No one else gets the mic and don't EVER stop playing unless you get a signal from the groom or me."  

But the point here is that she sounds like she's probably unhappy and needs to make things about her.   That doesn't mean that you need to give in to every whim but trying to fight her every step is going to wear you out.   

charlotte989875

I agree with PPs, but I also might ask your FI to have one last conversation with his brother about all of this. I agree there is no way for you to call her out, or do this publicly, but your brother can have a chat with his brother and ask that he not give in to this demand. The brother may not listen, but I think that’s the only way it could be addressed directly without you looking like you’re just as bad as she is. 

MyNameIsNot

Is the brother a robot with no agency over his own body? Your FI needs to tell his own brother that proposing during a wedding is inappropriate, and that if he tries to make a spectacle of himself, he will be escorted out. The "just a girlfriend" (as you put it) can be upset all she wants, but she can't force him to propose. There is 0 reason for you to be part of any of these conversations. Blood talks to blood; your FI needs to talk to his brother. 

Agree about the mic. I would go so far as to point out this brother to the DJ and let the DJ know what is happening, as groom's brother could easily be mistaken for someone who should have a mic during a reception. 

banana468

MyNameIsNot said:

Is the brother a robot with no agency over his own body? Your FI needs to tell his own brother that proposing during a wedding is inappropriate, and that if he tries to make a spectacle of himself, he will be escorted out. The "just a girlfriend" (as you put it) can be upset all she wants, but she can't force him to propose. There is 0 reason for you to be part of any of these conversations. Blood talks to blood; your FI needs to talk to his brother. 

Agree about the mic. I would go so far as to point out this brother to the DJ and let the DJ know what is happening, as groom's brother could easily be mistaken for someone who should have a mic during a reception. 

Escorted out?  

I think blood talks to blood and that's good advice but that's a threat I wouldn't make.   Then the groom looks like the heavy for spoiling his brother's good news and it makes the drama where it's not needed.   Hurt newly engaged gf can turn on the water works and say, "He was just trying to do something nice because he saw that his brother was such a wonderful example of love!"  Nope - don't make drama.  It plays to their lower impulses. 

short+sassy

Your FI is the one who needs to talk to his brother.  Full stop.  You shouldn't say anything to his brother or the g/f because, like other PPs have mentioned, blood talks to blood.

If a proposal does happen at the reception, don't let this "ruin" your wedding.  There is absolutely no reason it should.  Annoying and rude AF for the brother to do this?  Absolutely.  But he's the one who will look like a complete idiot and guests will be inwardly rolling their eyes so hard at him (a good point for your FI to make in their conversation).  Some guests might take a few minutes to congratulate the couple.  That's it.  But the main event is still you, your FI, and your all's wedding.

At the reception, I'd also advise that you just ignore/avoid the g/f as much as possible since she upsets you.  At some point, take 1-2 minutes to thank her for coming, like you need to do for all guests.  And hopefully leave that as the only interaction you have with her.

You can't control other people's behavior, but you can control how you react to it.  Focus on all your other guests and ignore whatever antics she may or may not do.

Jen4948

As everyone else says, there is no way to control your FBIL or his girlfriend. You can control what the DJ does with the mike. Let him know not to take any requests or give the mike to anyone without your express permission.

You can also minimize any interactions with your FBIL and his girlfriend to the bare minimum politeness requires. Just thank them for their attendance and leave it at that. If anything else seems warranted, have security on hand to deal with it. But again, let it go at that. You don't have to give your FBIL or his girlfriend ownership of the day.

knottie7a0de776690c1bc5

Thank you all for the advice and I will be following it. The major thing stressing me is that the girlfriend has already done this multiple times. Such as at our engagement party, she managed to make it about herself and everyone gave her the attention the whole time. She did the same thing for my past birthday party, and we had my fiancees cousin do an engagement shoot, and she found out and showed up with her baby and turned it into a baby photo shoot that we paid for. Its to point that we have put her next to my family during wedding and completely will have them separated from my fiances family. And I have alerted my wedding photographers she gets one photo with her table at reception and that is it, and will be letting planner and DJ know of her tendencies as well as her plan to get the brother to propose so they can make sure it doesn't happen or get attention, and my fiance is going to have a conversation with the brother with his parents present so there no "No one said I couldn't" as well as the only reason shes still invited is because the brother will refuse to come if she isn't
Thank you all so much for the advice. I really appreciate it and if anyone has any additional advice I'd love to hear it

MobKaz

knottie7a0de776690c1bc5 said:

Thank you all for the advice and I will be following it. The major thing stressing me is that the girlfriend has already done this multiple times. Such as at our engagement party, she managed to make it about herself and everyone gave her the attention the whole time. She did the same thing for my past birthday party, and we had my fiancees cousin do an engagement shoot, and she found out and showed up with her baby and turned it into a baby photo shoot that we paid for. Its to point that we have put her next to my family during wedding and completely will have them separated from my fiances family. And I have alerted my wedding photographers she gets one photo with her table at reception and that is it, and will be letting planner and DJ know of her tendencies as well as her plan to get the brother to propose so they can make sure it doesn't happen or get attention, and my fiance is going to have a conversation with the brother with his parents present so there no "No one said I couldn't" as well as the only reason shes still invited is because the brother will refuse to come if she isn't
Thank you all so much for the advice. I really appreciate it and if anyone has any additional advice I'd love to hear it

The one area in which you are absolutely dead wrong is in regard to GF’s invitation.  Love her or hate her, she gets an invitation because she is a social partner to your  FBIL. You would be absolutely wrong to not include her, and FBIL would be 100% correct to not attend without her.  

levioosa

@MobKaz is correct

Jen4948

knottie7a0de776690c1bc5 said:

Thank you all for the advice and I will be following it. The major thing stressing me is that the girlfriend has already done this multiple times. Such as at our engagement party, she managed to make it about herself and everyone gave her the attention the whole time. She did the same thing for my past birthday party, and we had my fiancees cousin do an engagement shoot, and she found out and showed up with her baby and turned it into a baby photo shoot that we paid for. Its to point that we have put her next to my family during wedding and completely will have them separated from my fiances family. And I have alerted my wedding photographers she gets one photo with her table at reception and that is it, and will be letting planner and DJ know of her tendencies as well as her plan to get the brother to propose so they can make sure it doesn't happen or get attention, and my fiance is going to have a conversation with the brother with his parents present so there no "No one said I couldn't" as well as the only reason shes still invited is because the brother will refuse to come if she isn't
Thank you all so much for the advice. I really appreciate it and if anyone has any additional advice I'd love to hear it

You can't not invite her or seat her away from your BIL.

But you had every right to put a stop to her taking over the photo shoot at your engagement by reminding the photographer that you were paying for the photos and he was not hired to take multiple photos of the baby.

banana468

Jen4948 said:

knottie7a0de776690c1bc5 said:

Thank you all for the advice and I will be following it. The major thing stressing me is that the girlfriend has already done this multiple times. Such as at our engagement party, she managed to make it about herself and everyone gave her the attention the whole time. She did the same thing for my past birthday party, and we had my fiancees cousin do an engagement shoot, and she found out and showed up with her baby and turned it into a baby photo shoot that we paid for. Its to point that we have put her next to my family during wedding and completely will have them separated from my fiances family. And I have alerted my wedding photographers she gets one photo with her table at reception and that is it, and will be letting planner and DJ know of her tendencies as well as her plan to get the brother to propose so they can make sure it doesn't happen or get attention, and my fiance is going to have a conversation with the brother with his parents present so there no "No one said I couldn't" as well as the only reason shes still invited is because the brother will refuse to come if she isn't
Thank you all so much for the advice. I really appreciate it and if anyone has any additional advice I'd love to hear it

You can't not invite her or seat her away from your BIL.

But you had every right to put a stop to her taking over the photo shoot at your engagement by reminding the photographer that you were paying for the photos and he was not hired to take multiple photos of the baby.

This.  She has to be invited and you need to seat couples together.

kerbohl

Is BIL in the wedding party though?  Because in that case, it becomes a bit more difficult to seat couples together if you have a head table with the wedding party.

STARMOON44

kerbohl said:

Is BIL in the wedding party though?  Because in that case, it becomes a bit more difficult to seat couples together if you have a head table with the wedding party.

But you shouldn’t have a head table without including partners of the wedding party. Difficult or not, you either have a big enough table or arrange things differently. 

banana468

STARMOON44 said:

kerbohl said:

Is BIL in the wedding party though?  Because in that case, it becomes a bit more difficult to seat couples together if you have a head table with the wedding party.

But you shouldn’t have a head table without including partners of the wedding party. Difficult or not, you either have a big enough table or arrange things differently. 

THIS.  @kerbohl come on.   You've been on here long enough to know that it's poor form to separate the WP from their SOs/dates at the reception. 

kerbohl

banana468 said:

STARMOON44 said:

kerbohl said:

Is BIL in the wedding party though?  Because in that case, it becomes a bit more difficult to seat couples together if you have a head table with the wedding party.

But you shouldn’t have a head table without including partners of the wedding party. Difficult or not, you either have a big enough table or arrange things differently. 

THIS.  @kerbohl come on.   You've been on here long enough to know that it's poor form to separate the WP from their SOs/dates at the reception. 

Really?  I legitimately though that was one of the acceptable set-ups for head tables, where it was just the bridal party and the couple!  I've seen it done at quite a few weddings, and usually one table has the SOs of the bridal party.  This can't be a cultural thing, can it?  I have seen it at SO many weddings!
I've just always found it awkward so I had a head table with just myself and hubby, my MOH and her husband, and the BM and his girlfriend.  And even then, I got the side-eye from some people because I didn't have all the bridesmaids and groomsmen together.

Edited to include husband at head table because just me at a head table would be weird ...

banana468

kerbohl said:

banana468 said:

STARMOON44 said:

kerbohl said:

Is BIL in the wedding party though?  Because in that case, it becomes a bit more difficult to seat couples together if you have a head table with the wedding party.

But you shouldn’t have a head table without including partners of the wedding party. Difficult or not, you either have a big enough table or arrange things differently. 

THIS.  @kerbohl come on.   You've been on here long enough to know that it's poor form to separate the WP from their SOs/dates at the reception. 

Really?  I legitimately though that was one of the acceptable set-ups for head tables, where it was just the bridal party and the couple!  I've seen it done at quite a few weddings, and usually one table has the SOs of the bridal party.  This can't be a cultural thing, can it?  I have seen it at SO many weddings!
I've just always found it awkward so I had a head table with just myself and hubby, my MOH and her husband, and the BM and his girlfriend.  And even then, I got the side-eye from some people because I didn't have all the bridesmaids and groomsmen together.

Edited to include husband at head table because just me at a head table would be weird ...

Some people may still do this under some premise that it's traditional but more and more people are wise to the concept that it's the antithesis of a celebration of love if you ask your WP to be split from their loved ones on a day that they are supporting your forever love commitment. 

I can count on one hand the number of times I see head tables with the SOs split from their dates and it's always awkward. 

Casadena

banana468 said:

kerbohl said:

banana468 said:

STARMOON44 said:

kerbohl said:

Is BIL in the wedding party though?  Because in that case, it becomes a bit more difficult to seat couples together if you have a head table with the wedding party.

But you shouldn’t have a head table without including partners of the wedding party. Difficult or not, you either have a big enough table or arrange things differently. 

THIS.  @kerbohl come on.   You've been on here long enough to know that it's poor form to separate the WP from their SOs/dates at the reception. 

Really?  I legitimately though that was one of the acceptable set-ups for head tables, where it was just the bridal party and the couple!  I've seen it done at quite a few weddings, and usually one table has the SOs of the bridal party.  This can't be a cultural thing, can it?  I have seen it at SO many weddings!
I've just always found it awkward so I had a head table with just myself and hubby, my MOH and her husband, and the BM and his girlfriend.  And even then, I got the side-eye from some people because I didn't have all the bridesmaids and groomsmen together.

Edited to include husband at head table because just me at a head table would be weird ...

Some people may still do this under some premise that it's traditional but more and more people are wise to the concept that it's the antithesis of a celebration of love if you ask your WP to be split from their loved ones on a day that they are supporting your forever love commitment. 

I can count on one hand the number of times I see head tables with the SOs split from their dates and it's always awkward. 

I don't think i've ever been to a wedding where they DIDN'T have a head table like this.  It's still crappy even though people do it all the time!

kerbohl

Casadena said:

banana468 said:

kerbohl said:

banana468 said:

STARMOON44 said:

kerbohl said:

Is BIL in the wedding party though?  Because in that case, it becomes a bit more difficult to seat couples together if you have a head table with the wedding party.

But you shouldn’t have a head table without including partners of the wedding party. Difficult or not, you either have a big enough table or arrange things differently. 

THIS.  @kerbohl come on.   You've been on here long enough to know that it's poor form to separate the WP from their SOs/dates at the reception. 

Really?  I legitimately though that was one of the acceptable set-ups for head tables, where it was just the bridal party and the couple!  I've seen it done at quite a few weddings, and usually one table has the SOs of the bridal party.  This can't be a cultural thing, can it?  I have seen it at SO many weddings!
I've just always found it awkward so I had a head table with just myself and hubby, my MOH and her husband, and the BM and his girlfriend.  And even then, I got the side-eye from some people because I didn't have all the bridesmaids and groomsmen together.

Edited to include husband at head table because just me at a head table would be weird ...

Some people may still do this under some premise that it's traditional but more and more people are wise to the concept that it's the antithesis of a celebration of love if you ask your WP to be split from their loved ones on a day that they are supporting your forever love commitment. 

I can count on one hand the number of times I see head tables with the SOs split from their dates and it's always awkward. 

I don't think i've ever been to a wedding where they DIDN'T have a head table like this.  It's still crappy even though people do it all the time!

Your experience is the same as mine then.  I think I've been to one, maybe two weddings where it was the parents up with the bride and groom, but every other one was with just the bridal party as far as I can remember.

MyNameIsNot

kerbohl said:

banana468 said:

STARMOON44 said:

kerbohl said:

Is BIL in the wedding party though?  Because in that case, it becomes a bit more difficult to seat couples together if you have a head table with the wedding party.

But you shouldn’t have a head table without including partners of the wedding party. Difficult or not, you either have a big enough table or arrange things differently. 

THIS.  @kerbohl come on.   You've been on here long enough to know that it's poor form to separate the WP from their SOs/dates at the reception. 

Really?  I legitimately though that was one of the acceptable set-ups for head tables, where it was just the bridal party and the couple!  I've seen it done at quite a few weddings, and usually one table has the SOs of the bridal party.  This can't be a cultural thing, can it?  I have seen it at SO many weddings!
I've just always found it awkward so I had a head table with just myself and hubby, my MOH and her husband, and the BM and his girlfriend.  And even then, I got the side-eye from some people because I didn't have all the bridesmaids and groomsmen together.

Edited to include husband at head table because just me at a head table would be weird ...

I think it's more regional than cultural. I haven't seen one of those tables where the wedding party is lined up on either side of the couple all facing the rest of the guests since the early 90s at least. It would seem really dated in my area, but it seems like they're still alive in parts of the midwest. 

Either way, there's no exception that makes it ok to separate people from their dates. It's just that either people had primarily single WPs or people just accepted that being in the WP means the couple can be rude to you. 

ei34

I've only been at 2 or 3 weddings with BP at a head table with the married couple...can't even comment on whether their SOs were with them because I was a kid and it was an aunt or uncle's wedding in the early-mid 90s.  That's super-dated by me. 

OP good luck, your FBIL's girlfriend really sounds like a handful.  I ditto the advice to really let your vendors know about the FBIL and gf.  They're professionals, they can't stop him from proposing but they can shift attention away in the event he does.  My H has a cousin i can't stand who kept trying to get the microphone from the MC at our wedding.  We know him well enough and have seem him in action at other family events so we were able to ask the MC, DJ and musicians to not let him near the mike.  I personally saw him trying to take over the mike four times over the course of the evening, I imagine he tried more and that was just what I saw but the professionals we hired were professionals, they did their job.  (I hope you're not using your engagement shoot photographer for your wedding!)

knottie7a0de776690c1bc5

I wasn't going to not invite her or separate her from her SO, as much as I'd like to not invite her, we are just putting them at a table where they aren't near the center and away from me and any one who will let her do as she wants. The photographer for the engagement shoot was one of my FH's cousins, and we are in process of trying to get it redone by a member of my family, this time not telling anyone. 
Also, this girl demanded shes a bridesmaid, even though I informed her that no, she is not. My FBIL agreed immediately when my FH told him we were engaged and asked him to be in WP that yes he would be a groomsman, However, I denied the girlfriend and had to repeatedly tell her no when she would tell everyone she was and started posting in local groups that she needed the dress for my bridesmaids and in what color, stating she did not want to pay full price because she didn't think the wedding would actually happen, but needed a dress just in case. Once I told her in front of my FH parents that I told her she is not a bridesmaid and this needs to stop, his brother said he will no longer be a groomsman and said outright that its because I won't let his GF be a bridesmaid and she has to be and I better change my wedding party or they might not come at all. My FH is now super upset but told FBIL its not his wedding. My best friends are my bridesmaids, and to stop trying to ruin the wedding, and is going to alert his parents as to the change.


At this point, we are starting to seriously consider eloping.  

banana468

She sounds like a problem girl and if the brother is supporting her then it's going to be a rift in the relationship with his brother.

BUT, you can't control them and you can only control you.   All the advice about who can get the microphone and how to ensure that they don't turn the wedding into their ceremony stands, but also know that if these two are incapable of letting any occasion be about anyone else then you're going to have to work to be as gracious as possible because they're going to insert themselves into everything. 

Rather than continue to worry about what one couple can do, focus on you two.  

What are your FIL's saying?  Your FI's parents?  Have they not stepped in to tell the brother that this isn't appropriate? 

MobKaz

knottie7a0de776690c1bc5 said:

I wasn't going to not invite her or separate her from her SO, as much as I'd like to not invite her, we are just putting them at a table where they aren't near the center and away from me and any one who will let her do as she wants. The photographer for the engagement shoot was one of my FH's cousins, and we are in process of trying to get it redone by a member of my family, this time not telling anyone. 
Also, this girl demanded shes a bridesmaid, even though I informed her that no, she is not. My FBIL agreed immediately when my FH told him we were engaged and asked him to be in WP that yes he would be a groomsman, However, I denied the girlfriend and had to repeatedly tell her no when she would tell everyone she was and started posting in local groups that she needed the dress for my bridesmaids and in what color, stating she did not want to pay full price because she didn't think the wedding would actually happen, but needed a dress just in case. Once I told her in front of my FH parents that I told her she is not a bridesmaid and this needs to stop, his brother said he will no longer be a groomsman and said outright that its because I won't let his GF be a bridesmaid and she has to be and I better change my wedding party or they might not come at all. My FH is now super upset but told FBIL its not his wedding. My best friends are my bridesmaids, and to stop trying to ruin the wedding, and is going to alert his parents as to the change.


At this point, we are starting to seriously consider eloping.  

How immature are these two?  HOLY COW!  So.....GF is not a BM, nor should she be.   If FBIL removes himself from the wedding party, then it’s on him, and there is very little your FI can or should do.  The good news is that you have time on your side.  If FBIL changes his mind for any reason down the road, and decides to be in the wedding party, ordering a last minute tux (if that is what is happening) should not be that difficult.  Regardless of what FBIL threatens, send him and the GF an invitation to the wedding and let them decide whether they want to cut off their nose to spite their face.  DO NOT ELOPE.  Do not give those two that kind of power and do not do something you may regret.  Keep the burden as much as possible on the FBIL.  Have FI inform his parents as to what is being threatened from his sibling, and the actions you intend on taking.  Move forward and focus on you and your FI.

kerbohl

Wow, so they will cause drama if they don't go to the wedding, but they will cause drama if they do go because they are planning to use your wedding to propose?  I do not envy you this situation, and I feel so bad that you have to go through this nonsense.  

OliveOilsMom

I have witnessed a proposal at a wedding and even though it looked like the Bride was in on it - my whole table of outsiders side eyed the BF!  My friends and I were at a bar that hosts weddings.  The ceremony had just ended by the pool and the couple and their WP went out to the beach for pictures.  As they came back the BMs BF was waiting at the fence by the bar.  He proposed as everyone looked on from the bar (total strangers - all the wedding guests had gone inside for the cocktail hour).  

The only way that I can see this not backfiring on FBIL and GF would be if it was rigged where GF gets the bouquet and FBIL gets the garter (if you do these tradition - we didn't!).  Then FBIL could propose, as it would be shown that the B&G gave their blessing for this.

Jen4948

Unless you really want to, don't elope. That's letting these two entitled pieces of [expletive] make too many decisions about your wedding. You and your FI deserve better than that.

You were right to firmly shut her down about being a bridesmaid. And if the BIL refuses to be in the wedding party because she is not, that's on him. These two deserve each other.

I would suggest omitting any bouquet and garter toss along with the other suggestions. I do think you should have security on hand for your wedding because I suspect that they will try to turn it into their personal shitshow.

banana468

Yup.   If I were you I just wouldn't do them (bouquet/garter).  And honestly, I never liked them when I was single and felt relieved once married.