Repeat of First Wedding? Need advice!

knottie7984c9849ce85eb4

My fiance has been married before, and because he has two kids, the ex-wife is still very involved in our day to day life. I have never been married and (selfishly?) want our wedding to be one area where she is not involved. Am I wrong to want to ensure our wedding day is totally different than my fiance's first wedding? As we were about to confirm our save the date purchase, it was revealed that their save the date was very similar. Am I wrong to be upset? I don't want to feel like a replacement, stand-in, etc. It doesn't feel special to do things the exact same way.

banana468

knottie7984c9849ce85eb4 said:

My fiance has been married before, and because he has two kids, the ex-wife is still very involved in our day to day life. I have never been married and (selfishly?) want our wedding to be one area where she is not involved. Am I wrong to want to ensure our wedding day is totally different than my fiance's first wedding? As we were about to confirm our save the date purchase, it was revealed that their save the date was very similar. Am I wrong to be upset? I don't want to feel like a replacement, stand-in, etc. It doesn't feel special to do things the exact same way.

Keep in mind that there's a lot about weddings that will be similar to each other because weddings can have a similar look.   

If you really want to avoid doing it then you're going to have to dig up everything his has from his old wedding and do the opposite.

OR, what about throwing that aside?  And instead, plan with him a wedding that reflects the two of you?  If there are similarities to the first one then they will probably be negligible or at least similarities that make them similar to ALL weddings and not just HIS wedding.  

knottie7984c9849ce85eb4

Sigh...I know you are right and I am probably overreacting. We had a discussion to address this at the beginning of our engagement, after there were several offhand comments about how things should/would be done, all directly reflective of his previous wedding. I am frustrated that it has come up again and hate that I'm letting it ruin my fun.  

missJeanLouise

knottie7984c9849ce85eb4 said:

Sigh...I know you are right and I am probably overreacting. We had a discussion to address this at the beginning of our engagement, after there were several offhand comments about how things should/would be done, all directly reflective of his previous wedding. I am frustrated that it has come up again and hate that I'm letting it ruin my fun.  

Do you mean that he wants things done like in his last wedding? 

knottie7984c9849ce85eb4

Not exactly....at the beginning of our planning, there were a lot of instances like...we don't want this type of venue, i know this particular place is difficult to work with, we'll use this florist, etc. I felt like our wedding should not be planned around HIS previous research/experience with another woman, and that he and I should start from scratch for ourselves. So I was particularly annoyed when it was a last minute "oh yeah, we did this same type of save the date". I know it's not intentional but I can't help being bothered by it. 

knottie7984c9849ce85eb4

I guess please also keep in mind that we've been cooped up in the house together for a month now, so everything is bothering me

OliveOilsMom

I think knowing a place can be difficult to work with, is actually good to know!  You should use his past knowledge for that type of stuff.  As for the florist, if he said not to use them because they overcharge - also helpful to know.  

If he said, we should use venue X, florist Y and officiant Z all because they did his first wedding - I think that is a big fat no.  You are essentially planning a huge party, many people have not planned a super huge party before - so you should take some of your FIs previous experience at planning a big party as a bonus.

Maybe it would be helpful to tell him that you don't want him to tell you about the design aspects from his first wedding.  That way, if you happen to pick something similar - you won't know.  

Lastly, don't try to compete with the first wedding.  It doesn't matter anymore, they are long done as a couple and you are his future.  This one is special because you are the bride!