Dear Prudence,
About two years ago, after years of abuse, I decided to cut my father out of my life. It was the right decision, and I’m very happy with the results. However, I recently decided to move back to my hometown because I got an incredible job there working in the arts. I’ve reconnected with old friends, and I’m really excited to build my life here again and reclaim the city for myself. My new job involves fundraising and event-planning in some of my stepmother’s professional and social circles. She’s my father’s third wife and a very well-to-do schmoozer and networker. I may presumably have to raise funds from people she knows.
My worst anxieties have me thinking about two terrible scenarios: one where someone I’m working with recognizes my last name and asks me about my father or his wife, and one where they’re actually involved in an event I’m hosting. Every time someone mentions my father to me, I struggle to keep calm. And when I’ve been in situations where I’ve accidentally ended up in the same room as him post-estrangement, I’ve had full-on panic attacks. My city is big, but not that big, and I’m sure it’ll come up eventually. Should I lie and say there’s no relation? Should I say he’s my uncle? Should I just be frank? I don’t want to air my dirty laundry in a professional setting, but I struggle to think straight when it comes to my manipulative father and his equally frustrating wife.
—Struggling Already