Reddit Prudie like letter

CharmedPam

https://ruinmyweek.com/reddit/man-charges-girlfriend-rent/?utm_content=buffera3b79&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=tfln&utm_campaign=ooo

And discuss.

I don’t believe she’s sucking up $24/night more in utility bills. But it could be an expensive area?

maine7mob

Yes, he is the asshole, clearly. It doesn't matter whether she uses $24 worth of utilities. What matters is that he put a price on her staying over. DTMFA would be my advice to this girlfriend.

OliveOilsMom

Nope.  Dump him!

MyNameIsNot

I hope she dumps him.

Yes, it usually costs marginally more in utilities and toiletries when a partner starts staying over, but unless she's taking 4 hour showers, charging a portable power station and making nightly pajamas from scalper toilet paper, it's not $24/night. Even if it were, this isn't how you have that conversation. 

levioosa

This is literally FI’s sister. She got upset because a guy she was seeing used one of her bottles of water. She charges for toilet paper used. It’s insane. 

short+sassy

@CharmedPam, good post!  I like the discussion topic because it is an odd scenario.

I'm slightly more sympathetic to the LW than most people have been.  I've been that LW with a b/f who still lived with his mom while he was going to school, but spent TONS of time at my apartment that I was 100% paying for.  I sometimes felt a little resentful because of the inequity.

With that said, LW went about this ALL WRONG and his logic is so flawed in many ways.  The one that especially kills me is his comparing her being able to stay at his $1800 apartment for "only" $24/night.  Except what I picked up from the letter is that she already has her own apartment.  Not staying with her parents.  Her own apartment that she is already paying for.  So, no, it's not "just" $24/night for living expenses.  She already has 100% her own living expenses, on top of that. 

He also doesn't explain why things are more one-sided now as to where they stay.  If his utilities/food/whatever have gone up because of the arrangements, then the discussion should have been to go back to what they were doing before.  And, if they both prefer his apartment, then he could turn the discussion to how much his expenses have gone up.  They could have worked out together a fair "supplemental" monthly amount she would give him.  Or she'd contribute 50 bucks/week for his groceries.  Or some other compromise/arrangement that sounded fair to both of them.

I think the part that comes off so weird and creepy is that he's picked such a specific amount and it would be charged "per night" for when she stayed.  I also did the math.  If she stays there about 12 nights/month, that comes out to $288.  Increased food costs, I could see.  But increased utilities?  By almost $300/month?  Unless she's wasteful about electricity or is at his apartment when he's not home a lot, I'm not seeing how that happens.

Water bills will go up with additional people.  But most of an electricity bill is the fridge and the a/c or heating.  Neither of which should be affected much or at all from one vs. two people being there at the same time.  A slight increase if she does her laundry there and they run the dishwasher more.  And this whole paragraph is making an assumption that he pays his own water, has a dishwasher, and has an in-unit washer/dryer.   

CharmedPam

short+sassy said:

@CharmedPam, good post!  I like the discussion topic because it is an odd scenario.

I'm slightly more sympathetic to the LW than most people have been.  I've been that LW with a b/f who still lived with his mom while he was going to school, but spent TONS of time at my apartment that I was 100% paying for.  I sometimes felt a little resentful because of the inequity.

With that said, LW went about this ALL WRONG and his logic is so flawed in many ways.  The one that especially kills me is his comparing her being able to stay at his $1800 apartment for "only" $24/night.  Except what I picked up from the letter is that she already has her own apartment.  Not staying with her parents.  Her own apartment that she is already paying for.  So, no, it's not "just" $24/night for living expenses.  She already has 100% her own living expenses, on top of that. 

He also doesn't explain why things are more one-sided now as to where they stay.  If his utilities/food/whatever have gone up because of the arrangements, then the discussion should have been to go back to what they were doing before.  And, if they both prefer his apartment, then he could turn the discussion to how much his expenses have gone up.  They could have worked out together a fair "supplemental" monthly amount she would give him.  Or she'd contribute 50 bucks/week for his groceries.  Or some other compromise/arrangement that sounded fair to both of them.

I think the part that comes off so weird and creepy is that he's picked such a specific amount and it would be charged "per night" for when she stayed.  I also did the math.  If she stays there about 12 nights/month, that comes out to $288.  Increased food costs, I could see.  But increased utilities?  By almost $300/month?  Unless she's wasteful about electricity or is at his apartment when he's not home a lot, I'm not seeing how that happens.

Water bills will go up with additional people.  But most of an electricity bill is the fridge and the a/c or heating.  Neither of which should be affected much or at all from one vs. two people being there at the same time.  A slight increase if she does her laundry there and they run the dishwasher more.  And this whole paragraph is making an assumption that he pays his own water, has a dishwasher, and has an in-unit washer/dryer.   

Not of they’re showering together.  This way he can shut it down when he wants too. “Ooookay, well I’m clean.  Let’s skiddaddle”.  I just said that to use the word skiddaddle. 

ei34

He's totally the a**hole.  And $24?!  Way to nickle and dime.  I'd dump him.
And @CharmedPam skiddaddle is one of my favorite words!  I use it with my kids a lot when it's time to leave somewhere.  They thought i made it up lol

kerbohl

What about her transportation costs for going to his place every time?  Is he deducting that from the $24? 
If he is hard-up for money, I can see trying to find a fair solution, but I don't think making her pay to sleep over is that fair solution.  

banana468

DTMFA

FFS, do you think she's taking a $15 shower and $9 dinner? 

If DH pulled this when we were dating he wouldn't be the DH. 

mrsconn23

This guy went about asking her to contribute in the most completely ass-backward way. 
If she's truly there 16-20 nights a month, then I totally think she should somehow contribute since she's living there half the time at minimum.  But for him to come up with this $24/night formula was idiotic.  What he should have done is say, "Hey babe, you're here a lot and I love it, but could you pick up some groceries the next time you come over?" or something along those lines.  If that's been discussed and rebuffed or she's not doing it even after she said she would, then that needs to be dealt with...but 'billing' your partner is not the answer. 

Also, he could have used this quasi-living together time as a jumping off point to plan to live together for real.  That's what people who are looking to make the next steps would logically do, IMO. 

He probably made her feel like she's mooching off him vs. that they want to spend time together because they're in a relationship.  I'm surprised she hasn't dumped him or at least stopped coming over. He has to pay his living expenses if she's there or not.  

He's definitely not the biggest asshole I've seen on these threads.  He just sounds like a moron that should apologize for being ham-handed with his GF and use this as an opportunity to discuss their future plans and/or this arrangement. 

charlotte989875

So I love reading AITA and this guy followed up saying that he refuses to stay at her place and insists she come to his AND he doesn’t want to live with anyone until they’ve been together 2 years or something and they  haven’t yet so she can’t move in. So basically he won’t stay at her place, won’t let her actually move in, but wants to tell her to pay. Also she’s in grad school (I think?) and he’s making WAY more money than she is. 

mrsconn23

charlotte989875 said:

So I love reading AITA and this guy followed up saying that he refuses to stay at her place and insists she come to his AND he doesn’t want to live with anyone until they’ve been together 2 years or something and they  haven’t yet so she can’t move in. So basically he won’t stay at her place, won’t let her actually move in, but wants to tell her to pay. Also she’s in grad school (I think?) and he’s making WAY more money than she is. 

I gave him the benefit of the doubt, but he sucks and is being a whiny-ass baby.  She definitely should DTMFA.  

I dated a guy in my late teens/early 20's like this.  He had all sorts of 'rules' and played these stupid kinds of games.  I'm having flashbacks.  He definitely used his age/experience to his advantage. 

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

charlotte989875 said:

So I love reading AITA and this guy followed up saying that he refuses to stay at her place and insists she come to his AND he doesn’t want to live with anyone until they’ve been together 2 years or something and they  haven’t yet so she can’t move in. So basically he won’t stay at her place, won’t let her actually move in, but wants to tell her to pay. Also she’s in grad school (I think?) and he’s making WAY more money than she is. 

I gave him the benefit of the doubt, but he sucks and is being a whiny-ass baby.  She definitely should DTMFA.  

I dated a guy in my late teens/early 20's like this.  He had all sorts of 'rules' and played these stupid kinds of games.  I'm having flashbacks.  He definitely used his age/experience to his advantage. 

So much of this is playing the cheap control game.

Dude, if you want sex and AM cuddles AND you refuse to leave your house it's going to cost you some extra money this way.   And if that isn't worth it for you then you're going to have to decide which is better: a slightly higher grocery and water bill OR plenty of alone time? 

DH hated spending the night at my place.   I lived farther away from his work so it was less convenient, he liked his bed, I got it.   But he NEVER asked me to spend more.  Oh HELLLL no. 

short+sassy

charlotte989875 said:

So I love reading AITA and this guy followed up saying that he refuses to stay at her place and insists she come to his AND he doesn’t want to live with anyone until they’ve been together 2 years or something and they  haven’t yet so she can’t move in. So basically he won’t stay at her place, won’t let her actually move in, but wants to tell her to pay. Also she’s in grad school (I think?) and he’s making WAY more money than she is. 

I'm with @mrsconn23.  This new info takes away any tiny bit of sympathy I had for the LW.

So weird!  I'd never heard of the AITA column until @CharmedPam posted it last week.  But, this morning, I ran across a link to another AITA letter on Yahoo's main page, lol.

She should tell him how much more gas she's using nowadays to date him (eyeroll).

I'd be annoyed for a b/f to ALWAYS insist we had to go to his place, whether he was "charging" me or not.  In fact, back in my single days, this was a dealbreaker a few times.  Not necessarily that anyone "insisted", but it was clear in either chatting or after a couple dates that the burden of driving was going to be on me.  Even when it was a good reason, nope!  Not doing it.  Too much hassle and time for someone I'm not even in a relationship with yet.

ei34

Thank you for the extra background info @charlotte989875 ...wow now he's an even bigger a-hole and I wish she'd dump him. 

H and I spent a lot more time at my place (it was so much nicer) before we moved in together...I never billed him, it didn't even occur to me.  I cooked for us when we were there, but he paid whenever we went out.  (Good old days, it was probably 50/50 eating in and going out pre-engagement.)