I think this Prudie got skipped, so I'll post it ... Tell her to take a hike

Jen4948

Q. Interrogated by girlfriend: I’ve run into a challenging pattern with my girlfriend of three years. She’s a trained social worker, so she’s used to asking questions to help people get to the bottom of their frustrations (e.g., “What makes you think that?” or “How do you know that to be true?”). The problem is, when she uses these techniques on me during conflict, it drives me crazy. It makes me feel like a) I can’t trust my own feelings, and b) all the onus is on me to figure out why I was upset and change my attitude. I spend the entire conflict justifying and defending why I feel the way I do rather than having her acknowledge any wrongdoing. Even if I say something obvious like “When you ignored my texts for hours after our fight, I felt scared that you were really upset with me,” she’ll respond back with “Why would I be upset with you? What else did I do to make you think that?” It’s crazy-making! Am I overreacting to a completely healthy style of conflict resolution? Is it reasonable to ask my girlfriend to not utilize her social work techniques in her personal life?

mrsconn23

LW's GF sounds like a terrible therapist and also a gaslighter.  DTMFA. 

Jen4948

There was a comment that the LW should try giving his girlfriend a taste of her own medicine...but in any case I think there's no relationship worth saving.

short+sassy

My H does something like this.  He just can't let things go.  Even things that don't matter, which is what it is the vast majority of the time.  If a disagreement starts getting like that, I just stop engaging and will end the discussion with a phrase like, "Then I guess we need to agree to disagree."

If it is something that does matter, that is more difficult.  I will usually repeat my understanding of what he is saying.  To make sure I'm understanding his perception correctly.  And then reiterate my thoughts on it.

My H and I have had discussions during a calm time and when we are not fighting on how we can better communicate with each other, especially during disagreements.  I would suggest the LW do the same.  The LW and their g/f should also understand that this isn't a "one conversation and it's fixed".  It's a process.  It takes time and tweaking.  It will probably never be perfect because humans beings aren't.  But it can be improved if both of them are willing to listen to each other and work on it.

Though she needs to be open to change also.  Even if she doesn't currently think she's doing anything wrong, hopefully she understands that if the LW is having a problem with how they handle conflict, then it is something to work on.  If she's not willing to do that then, unfortunately, it isn't going to change and the LW needs to decide if that is a dealbreaker. 

kerbohl

I wonder if, because she does it on a professional level, she is less open to trying a different way of communicating because she feels like the authority on the matter.  The problem is that not everyone reacts the same way to different kinds of communication or argument styles.  You have to learn to give and take, and it doesn't sound like she is willing to give this a shot.

ei34

That would drive me crazy

VarunaTT

I wish LW had given a few more examples.  Right now, it honestly just sounds like they both have different methods of communication.  That's pretty much an ongoing process for everyone.

I don't just want to knock LW's GF, b/c that entire "text" conversation has been had by K and I.  We actually text over FB Messenger now b/c (since I'm an Android and they are an IPhone), K can tell if I've seen the text or not.  That keeps them from having anxiety about why I might not be answering.  And while it's not logical to me that they immediately sweep to "OMG Varuna is mad at me and going to leave me" b/c I haven't responded to a text in under 30 minutes, it also doesn't really matter, it just needs to be fixed somehow.  B/c I've totally said, "Why do you think I'd be mad at you?  What did I do that makes you think that?"

I feel like there's some compromise needed on both sides.  I almost feel like LW is assuming their GF is manipulating them, just b/c GF has training and not admitting that LW has some things that need to be worked around/through and same for GF.

charlotte989875

Does the GF use the same strategies to interrogate her own feelings? 

I think he’s wrong about one thing; it is on him to understand why he is upset, that isn’t on her. They can do that together but she’s not responsible for figuring out why he’s upset if he can’t. 

She’s not inherently better at conflict because she knows these strategies and if they’re not working for both of you then you need to discuss it and find something that does work. But she’s not “using her SW tactics” on you, she’s trying to resolve conflict/issues and you need to use your words and explain these strategies aren’t  actually helping you resolve anything.