Is it the pandemic or are we no longer compatible?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

Sheltering in place during this pandemic has me seriously thinking about divorcing my wife. We have a 3-year-old together. I always knew we had some issues, but I used to be more distracted by day-to-day life and didn’t dwell on them. My wife regularly insults me in front of our son, constantly monitors me and tells me if she thinks I’m doing a bad job at something (missed a spot mowing the lawn, etc.), and then demands that I do nice things for her to demonstrate my love. When she’s upset, I have to solve whatever problem is causing her to be upset. We have been to therapy a few times, but she either tells the therapist that everything’s fine or that I’m the one who needs to improve his behavior. I do not want a divorce, for the sake of my son. I also don’t want to give up on my wife, whom I fell in love with for a reason. I suspect her constant negativity stems from some unhappiness or inability to deal with the world, and what I really want is for her to see a therapist. For years, I’ve suggested it, she’s agreed, and then she has refused to go. Where do I go from here? It is a struggle to get through each day because I’m with her 24/7. I can’t remember the last time she went 45 minutes without being negative toward me. Do I really want a divorce, or is this just the pandemic talking?

—Constant Negativity

banana468

It's time to use your words.

Don't bottle it up but mention it to her in real time.  "I know that finding a therapist now is probably going to be tricky.   And I also need to tell you that some of the comments I hear from you are making me feel prickly.  When you said X it made me feel this way.  I am asking you to stop doing this because I love you." 

"Please do not insult me in front of Chiquito.   We can talk about issues later." 

The reality right now may mean that you two need to talk about a division of labor and space things out.   If you're on top of each other it may make a tricky relationship impossible.   So you may need to say things like, "I'm going to need to be alone for this amount of time." 

short+sassy

Oof, that's a tough one.  It's hard to solve a problem when the other person won't admit there is one and won't even listen to how their behavior is hurting you.

The LW needs to keep pushing for counseling, both married and individual.  For the time being, there are a lot of books out there on improving relationships/marriages.  I think one that is supposed to be read together and has exercises in it for couples to do together would be great.

I also think a good strategy for the LW to take, like @banana468 mentioned, is to speak up as something that is hurting the LW is happening (or as soon as they are out of the son's earshot).  The wife is glossing over the problem.  It's harder for her to do that when it's being pointed out in real time what she just specifically said that is hurting and tearing down the LW.

kerbohl

Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work really helps knowing is something is a solvable issue on unsolvable, and what to do in either case.  Putting him down to the child though ... that's a hard thing to come back from.

jane2311

I am sorry. You are in a tough spot. Being stuck at home has exacerbated the issues in my relationship, but we're both working on it and trying to support each other. We give each other alone time by taking a book and reading it in the car for hours. Maybe you could try something like that.
Like advice columnists usually advise, "if she won't go to therapy with you, then at least go alone" and "if necessary, consult with an attorney to be sure of your rights if you decide to divorce."