Desperately need advice. I just wanted my wedding to be over and done.

jane2311

On 12/29/18, my stepdad wordlessly walked away when I asked him to walk me down the aisle. He has always hated my dad and I had just stated that I wanted my dad to officiate and my mother to be my matron of honor. He hasn't spoken to me since. 2019 was awful. Emergency surgery to save my life, sexual assault, multiple financial hits, and 10 other unfortunate events. He didn't call. He was the archetypal abusive stepdad and I forgave him.  My sister (15 years younger and turned 18 in Feb 2020) has taken his side and blocked my phone number. She told me she doesn't believe how awful he was to me (and brother) when I lived under his rule. She told me that I need to patch things up and that he's not at fault. I forgave him for the abuse and he, in turn, broke my heart. I grieved the loss of my sister. Sobbing-on-the-floor-at-unexpected-times grieved.

We went on with wedding planning despite my near-constant heartache. We made the decision to not to include anyone in our wedding ceremony and to not allow toasts. Everyone is a guest. We were supposed to wed on 3/20/20. I had begun to see the wedding as the light at the end of the tunnel. I had decided to reciprocate the estrangement following the wedding. I live in Seattle and we, obviously, had to postpone. We are re-issuing invitations to the same guests who RSVP'd "yes," but I honestly don't think I can deal with seeing my stepdad and sister on my wedding day. I'm afraid they'll upset me on my wedding day. I'm afraid my stepdad is going to be throwing faces of disgust at my dad. My stepdad told my brother that he wouldn't attend the reception if my dad was there. Stepdad later denied this when I asked my mom about it.

NOTES: Fiancé and I are paying for the wedding ourselves. My mother cannot sway my stepdad to talk to me; I must drive to their house 1.5 hours away and apologize for making him think he ruined my wedding. I'm not kidding--that's what she told me he expects.

COMPLICATION: My dear and wonderful grandmother is slipping away into dementia so there's no way I'm not having the wedding exactly as I planned. It's the one dazzling, fancy affair the likes of which my grandmother and I always dreamed of attending. She's not all gone yet.

QUESTION: Should I still re-invite my stepdad and sister after all this? They won't talk to me and I'm a "liar" for telling the truth.

banana468

There's no real good answer here.   

If I were you I would not be making nice with the step dad and with that would come with the understanding that I probably would not have my mother at my wedding.   You can't invite him and not her. 

Jen4948

banana468 said:

There's no real good answer here.   

If I were you I would not be making nice with the step dad and with that would come with the understanding that I probably would not have my mother at my wedding.   You can't invite him and not her. 

Ditto. If they make their attendance at your wedding conditional on your acquiescing to unacceptable demands, then I would tell them, "My wedding is not a time for divisiveness. When you're ready for something positive, we can discuss invitations to my wedding. But that discussion will have to stay suspended for as long as you decide that you are going to hold grudges and make demands on me." The same really holds true for anything else they might want from you.

MyNameIsNot

I would probably reschedule and invite everyone but them. Like PP said, you probably have to also exclude your mom. Even if you tell her he's not invited, you can't stop her from bringing him. 

Also, unrelated to the step-dad thing, when you reissue invitations, you should send them to everyone, not just those that RSVP'd yes. Someone may have had a scheduling conflict for the original date but won't now; that's no reason to exclude them. 

short+sassy

I'm so sorry to hear about all the terrible things that happened to you last year.  On top of the hurt from your sister and stepdad.  On top of having to postpone your wedding.  I hope your wedding is an especially amazing day and a start to happier chapters.

As an aside...putting the stepdad and sister issues aside for a sec...other than possibly them, you should invite everyone to your wedding that you invited the first time.  Just because they RSVP'ed "no" for the original date, doesn't mean they will RSVP "no" for the next date.

I don't know what to advise you on your sister and stepdad.  You know there is going to be huge fallout in your family if you don't invite one or both of them.  Including your mom may not come either.  But, for you, that might be the lesser of two evils and I couldn't blame you.

This is definitely a choice you need to make for yourself and your own emotional needs.  Another suggestion I would make is to invite both of them.  Then cross your fingers they don't show up, lol, and they'll look like more of the "bad guy" then you.  If they do show up, thank them for coming like you would with all your guests, and then limit your interactions with them as much as possible.  It's an easy thing to do when you're the bride and groom, because you need to make the rounds and have at least a little chit-chat with everyone.  Put your attentions to your new H and the guests who are positive and happy to be there.  If your stepdad and/or sister are throwing out bad vibes, do your best to ignore that and don't let it get you down.

Heck, at my own reception, I hardly spoke to my immediate family!  Not for any bad reasons or because I didn't want to.  But many of my guests were extended family that I rarely saw, so I was catching up with them.

jane2311

Thank you for your comments and I'll definitely welcome more as I'm still so torn on what to do. One thing is certain, the relationship with my stepdad is irreparably damaged. My mom is hurting. I'm hurting. My fiancé doesn't want him or my sister at the wedding because he's tired of seeing me cry, but he's letting me have the final word.
To clarify, we can only re-issue invitations to the "yes" folks due to budget/headcount constraints. It's fancy, but it's a small wedding. We had filled some spots with more friends after 38 of our family members couldn't make the initial date. We will absolutely re-invite those family members if we can.

levioosa

jane2311 said:

Thank you for your comments and I'll definitely welcome more as I'm still so torn on what to do. One thing is certain, the relationship with my stepdad is irreparably damaged. My mom is hurting. I'm hurting. My fiancé doesn't want him or my sister at the wedding because he's tired of seeing me cry, but he's letting me have the final word.
To clarify, we can only re-issue invitations to the "yes" folks due to budget/headcount constraints. It's fancy, but it's a small wedding. We had filled some spots with more friends after 38 of our family members couldn't make the initial date. We will absolutely re-invite those family members if we can.

You should not have done that. That was very rude and insulting. 

Pp’s have covered everything else. You might want to consider therapy for how this relationship has affected you. It sounds like it continues to cause you significant distress, wedding or not. 

jane2311

levioosa said:

jane2311 said:

Thank you for your comments and I'll definitely welcome more as I'm still so torn on what to do. One thing is certain, the relationship with my stepdad is irreparably damaged. My mom is hurting. I'm hurting. My fiancé doesn't want him or my sister at the wedding because he's tired of seeing me cry, but he's letting me have the final word.
To clarify, we can only re-issue invitations to the "yes" folks due to budget/headcount constraints. It's fancy, but it's a small wedding. We had filled some spots with more friends after 38 of our family members couldn't make the initial date. We will absolutely re-invite those family members if we can.

You should not have done that. That was very rude and insulting. 

Pp’s have covered everything else. You might want to consider therapy for how this relationship has affected you. It sounds like it continues to cause you significant distress, wedding or not. 

Etiquette is tricky. We only had 5 friends on the initial guest list. Our budget meant we could only have 62 total guests so we thought it would be better to invite family and our closest friends. We are both automotive technicians early in our new careers so we don't make a lot of money. We put everything we had into this wedding. My underwear was falling apart because "I can wait until after the wedding to buy x, y, or z." I'm not sure what was insulting so I hope you can explain. One could say I was raised from a early age to be appeasing (to avoid trouble). I certainly don't want to offend. In fact, I'm letting my uncle bring his longtime girlfriend who otherwise never felt the need to attend his family's gatherings. Most people didn't RSVP at all so we gave everyone two more weeks past the RSVP due date because we really wanted our families there. I let my brother (family of 6) give me his answer on the day our headcount was due. I sincerely don't see the offense to which you point. Please advise.

MyNameIsNot

jane2311 said:

levioosa said:

jane2311 said:

Thank you for your comments and I'll definitely welcome more as I'm still so torn on what to do. One thing is certain, the relationship with my stepdad is irreparably damaged. My mom is hurting. I'm hurting. My fiancé doesn't want him or my sister at the wedding because he's tired of seeing me cry, but he's letting me have the final word.
To clarify, we can only re-issue invitations to the "yes" folks due to budget/headcount constraints. It's fancy, but it's a small wedding. We had filled some spots with more friends after 38 of our family members couldn't make the initial date. We will absolutely re-invite those family members if we can.

You should not have done that. That was very rude and insulting. 

Pp’s have covered everything else. You might want to consider therapy for how this relationship has affected you. It sounds like it continues to cause you significant distress, wedding or not. 

Etiquette is tricky. We only had 5 friends on the initial guest list. Our budget meant we could only have 62 total guests so we thought it would be better to invite family and our closest friends. We are both automotive technicians early in our new careers so we don't make a lot of money. We put everything we had into this wedding. My underwear was falling apart because "I can wait until after the wedding to buy x, y, or z." I'm not sure what was insulting so I hope you can explain. One could say I was raised from a early age to be appeasing (to avoid trouble). I certainly don't want to offend. In fact, I'm letting my uncle bring his longtime girlfriend who otherwise never felt the need to attend his family's gatherings. Most people didn't RSVP at all so we gave everyone two more weeks past the RSVP due date because we really wanted our families there. I let my brother (family of 6) give me his answer on the day our headcount was due. I sincerely don't see the offense to which you point. Please advise.

I'm not sure how it's tricky. It's rude to say "I like you enough to come to my wedding, but only if my first choice attendees can't make it." It's cruel. 

If you can't afford the basic essentials like underwear, you can't afford this wedding. The best choice would have been to cut way, way back before ever sending out the first invitation. Unless you're the rare exception who is in a better financial position after this pandemic and economic meltdown, it would probably be wise to elope, buy some underwear, and save your money. 

jane2311

MyNameIsNot said:

jane2311 said:

levioosa said:

jane2311 said:

Thank you for your comments and I'll definitely welcome more as I'm still so torn on what to do. One thing is certain, the relationship with my stepdad is irreparably damaged. My mom is hurting. I'm hurting. My fiancé doesn't want him or my sister at the wedding because he's tired of seeing me cry, but he's letting me have the final word.
To clarify, we can only re-issue invitations to the "yes" folks due to budget/headcount constraints. It's fancy, but it's a small wedding. We had filled some spots with more friends after 38 of our family members couldn't make the initial date. We will absolutely re-invite those family members if we can.

You should not have done that. That was very rude and insulting. 

Pp’s have covered everything else. You might want to consider therapy for how this relationship has affected you. It sounds like it continues to cause you significant distress, wedding or not. 

Etiquette is tricky. We only had 5 friends on the initial guest list. Our budget meant we could only have 62 total guests so we thought it would be better to invite family and our closest friends. We are both automotive technicians early in our new careers so we don't make a lot of money. We put everything we had into this wedding. My underwear was falling apart because "I can wait until after the wedding to buy x, y, or z." I'm not sure what was insulting so I hope you can explain. One could say I was raised from a early age to be appeasing (to avoid trouble). I certainly don't want to offend. In fact, I'm letting my uncle bring his longtime girlfriend who otherwise never felt the need to attend his family's gatherings. Most people didn't RSVP at all so we gave everyone two more weeks past the RSVP due date because we really wanted our families there. I let my brother (family of 6) give me his answer on the day our headcount was due. I sincerely don't see the offense to which you point. Please advise.

I'm not sure how it's tricky. It's rude to say "I like you enough to come to my wedding, but only if my first choice attendees can't make it." It's cruel. 

If you can't afford the basic essentials like underwear, you can't afford this wedding. The best choice would have been to cut way, way back before ever sending out the first invitation. Unless you're the rare exception who is in a better financial position after this pandemic and economic meltdown, it would probably be wise to elope, buy some underwear, and save your money. 

Ah, okay. Well, here's the elaboration:
We sent save-the-dates 11 months out. We sent invites 2 months out. By the RSVP due date, 19 people RSVP'd. Over the following 2 weeks, we found time here and there between working overtime and taking care of our daughter to call these folks. Ultimately, they said they couldn't get it off work or didn't supply a reason. Two people simply forgot and told us they could come (yay!). My fiancé was especially upset that his brother used the work excuse because he used to have the same job at the same place and knew his brother could've come if he had submitted a time-off request because he has seniority (15 years). I have similar stories with some of my siblings and other family members. Although we finally realized that our wedding was only important to us and a few others, we were still hurt. I talked about it at work to a few of my fellow automotive technicians and they said they'd love to fill spots so our wedding wouldn't be so sparsely attended. They melted my heart. I cried a little and gratefully accepted. Of course, I couldn't have imagined we'd need to postpone our wedding 9 days out thereby causing a "how to we handle the guest list now?" problem. But that would've been an issue for another thread. 
Oh, dear. I was naïve. Maybe if I used social media, I would've expected this. I thought turning to a wedding forum for advice on my heartbreaking family issues would've gone better, but it's kind of like pointless arguments in bad relationships. Someone grabs onto one thing you said, then it's hacked at while you're wondering what happened and trying to clarify.
Additionally, we don't live beyond our means and our credit scores are excellent. I'm not wearing a diamond on my finger or any other gem. Choosing to delay reward is a good skill. I'd rather save up for great experiences than have perfect underwear. Holey underwear still works as intended. Besides, why should anyone plan their wedding to accommodate more guests if that means they can't have the wedding they really want? As many brides and grooms have learned, weddings are only really important to the couple getting married (and my very excited future stepdaughter who says I'm the best mom ever).
Thanks to the folks who advised on my original concern and a quasi thanks to people who tried to correct a faux pas what wasn't really there. At least I know I did my best.

levioosa

jane2311 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

jane2311 said:

levioosa said:

jane2311 said:

Thank you for your comments and I'll definitely welcome more as I'm still so torn on what to do. One thing is certain, the relationship with my stepdad is irreparably damaged. My mom is hurting. I'm hurting. My fiancé doesn't want him or my sister at the wedding because he's tired of seeing me cry, but he's letting me have the final word.
To clarify, we can only re-issue invitations to the "yes" folks due to budget/headcount constraints. It's fancy, but it's a small wedding. We had filled some spots with more friends after 38 of our family members couldn't make the initial date. We will absolutely re-invite those family members if we can.

You should not have done that. That was very rude and insulting. 

Pp’s have covered everything else. You might want to consider therapy for how this relationship has affected you. It sounds like it continues to cause you significant distress, wedding or not. 

Etiquette is tricky. We only had 5 friends on the initial guest list. Our budget meant we could only have 62 total guests so we thought it would be better to invite family and our closest friends. We are both automotive technicians early in our new careers so we don't make a lot of money. We put everything we had into this wedding. My underwear was falling apart because "I can wait until after the wedding to buy x, y, or z." I'm not sure what was insulting so I hope you can explain. One could say I was raised from a early age to be appeasing (to avoid trouble). I certainly don't want to offend. In fact, I'm letting my uncle bring his longtime girlfriend who otherwise never felt the need to attend his family's gatherings. Most people didn't RSVP at all so we gave everyone two more weeks past the RSVP due date because we really wanted our families there. I let my brother (family of 6) give me his answer on the day our headcount was due. I sincerely don't see the offense to which you point. Please advise.

I'm not sure how it's tricky. It's rude to say "I like you enough to come to my wedding, but only if my first choice attendees can't make it." It's cruel. 

If you can't afford the basic essentials like underwear, you can't afford this wedding. The best choice would have been to cut way, way back before ever sending out the first invitation. Unless you're the rare exception who is in a better financial position after this pandemic and economic meltdown, it would probably be wise to elope, buy some underwear, and save your money. 

Ah, okay. Well, here's the elaboration:
We sent save-the-dates 11 months out. We sent invites 2 months out. By the RSVP due date, 19 people RSVP'd. Over the following 2 weeks, we found time here and there between working overtime and taking care of our daughter to call these folks. Ultimately, they said they couldn't get it off work or didn't supply a reason. Two people simply forgot and told us they could come (yay!). My fiancé was especially upset that his brother used the work excuse because he used to have the same job at the same place and knew his brother could've come if he had submitted a time-off request because he has seniority (15 years). I have similar stories with some of my siblings and other family members. Although we finally realized that our wedding was only important to us and a few others, we were still hurt. I talked about it at work to a few of my fellow automotive technicians and they said they'd love to fill spots so our wedding wouldn't be so sparsely attended. They melted my heart. I cried a little and gratefully accepted. Of course, I couldn't have imagined we'd need to postpone our wedding 9 days out thereby causing a "how to we handle the guest list now?" problem. But that would've been an issue for another thread. 
Oh, dear. I was naïve. Maybe if I used social media, I would've expected this. I thought turning to a wedding forum for advice on my heartbreaking family issues would've gone better, but it's kind of like pointless arguments in bad relationships. Someone grabs onto one thing you said, then it's hacked at while you're wondering what happened and trying to clarify.
Additionally, we don't live beyond our means and our credit scores are excellent. I'm not wearing a diamond on my finger or any other gem. Choosing to delay reward is a good skill. I'd rather save up for great experiences than have perfect underwear. Holey underwear still works as intended. Besides, why should anyone plan their wedding to accommodate more guests if that means they can't have the wedding they really want? As many brides and grooms have learned, weddings are only really important to the couple getting married (and my very excited future stepdaughter who says I'm the best mom ever).
Thanks to the folks who advised on my original concern and a quasi thanks to people who tried to correct a faux pas what wasn't really there. At least I know I did my best.

*major eyeroll*

B listing is still rude. And everyone gave you advice on your original issue. 

maine7mob

I don't quite get why you asked your stepfather to walk you down the aisle if your relationship is this fraught? And with everything else you posted, why not elope? The wedding is the beginning of your marriage. There is no need to deal with drama to have a special event.

STARMOON44

I think you should get married as soon as you can get a license and cancel the wedding. When and if it is safe to go out in public with an elderly relative with dementia, which to be quite frank may simply not happen, you take grandma out to a lovely fancy meal in your dress 

knottie08d9d8fc6c89d645

Always be the bigger person and go with the flow. I’ve learned this the hard way and honestly have had to be the bigger person in SO many wedding related situations. At the end of the day only you and your stepdad really knows what happened. If he can live with that, so be it. You don’t need to talk to him after this. 

Take care hun.

MesmrEwe

Etiquette slip-up aside...  FWIW, do the invite when that time comes, put it out of your mind entirely until that point comes.  Your feelings are your feelings, theirs are theirs, it is o.k. to fully own them.  The energy you bring to your wedding day with FI is what the energy of the day will be, it is your choice to be in the moment or letting petty things get to you.  They will ultimately make their own decisions on whether to attend or not.  Do not waste the precious hours of your time between now and then worrying about "what if" scenarios.  You might not see/talk to them most of the time your wedding is going on because there are so many details to attend to the day of, or the dust might settle.  It may be worthy of using "bean dip" in regard to all things wedding when engaging in conversations on that side of your family for the time being, and that's o.k.!

atalbot74

Crazy out of the box idea: what can you do with your wedding budget if you just cancel the in-person event? lots of couples are doing zoom weddings right now, or very intimate at-home ceremonies.  it might make you feel better to bring together the family and friends who truly support you as a couple, have your wedding now, and get it over with as you said.