Has he ever apologized for, or at least explained, his past behavior?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I know I don’t have a thing to complain about. My partner is attentive and sweet. He listens when I am unhappy about something and always tries to improve. But now that he wants to propose, I can’t stop thinking about the one thing he can never fix: how we got together. When we met, he was an asshole (as he himself will admit), dismissive, self-absorbed, and only interested in sex. We met on Tinder, so it’s not like I was surprised about what he wanted, but he was so rude about the “casual nature” of our relationship that once a waiter came over to me during one of our dates and asked if I was OK. After that, he broke things off, and I moved on. I was sad, but I also had bigger concerns than some jerk who used me.

Later, he came back, completely changed in his thinking and gushing with romance and commitment. I tried to slow his roll, but we got along extremely well, and all the attraction was still there. That year, I moved in. It’s been two years since then, and he’s never gone back to being a jerk. So why can’t I let it go? He wants to propose. He wants to buy me a house! My family and friends love him. My dogs love him. Most importantly, I love him. But, despite him being more sensitive in the last two years than any friend or lover I have ever had, I just can’t shake the mistrust. What is wrong with me?

—Still Suspicious

charlotte989875

Have you talked through this with him? 

We had a similar start (not Tinder, but we were just hooking up) and called things off because he just wanted hooking up and it wasn’t working for me. 

But when we got back together we talked about this; he explained changes for him, he apologized, and we took it really slow until we were both on the same page. 

But the key is talking about it! If LW is still feeling mistrustful there has to be a reason and they need to look into that more before taking anymore steps. 

banana468

Use your words.

DH and I went through a really rough patch at the beginning and we knew each other for years before we dated.   It's a distant memory now but we didn't move past without some serious long talks and late nights. 

charlotte989875

banana468 said:

Use your words.

DH and I went through a really rough patch at the beginning and we knew each other for years before we dated.   It's a distant memory now but we didn't move past without some serious long talks and late nights. 

Totally the same. 

levioosa

FBIL was a gigantic asshole when he and FSIL started dating. In fact I’d known him prior to them dating and I hadn’t cared for him then either. When they started dating I was really apprehensive and a little worried for her. But I have to give him props, he has grown so much and become such a nicer person. They’ll even joke about how much of a dick he was in the beginning. That wouldn’t have worked for me, but they worked through it and are happy now so I’m not going to judge it. 

short+sassy

I think talking to him about what is bothering her would help.  Maybe some sessions with a therapist, either together or solo for her, to work out her unresolved feelings would also help.

He reminds me of a former coworker I had, lol.  That guy was a serious player and I shared an office with him.  One of his good friends also worked at our company and came in all the time to chit-chat.  So I heard how "office roomie" talked about the women he was dating.

Including the one he married, lmao!  Initially, he talked about her the way he talked about all of them.  But then something started to change in his attitude.  About six months later, you could have knocked me over with a feather when he started talking about proposing.  After they got engaged, omg, he went overboard buying all kinds of stuff with that "she said yes" type of theme.  Then it was the enthusiastic wedding planning.  It was fun to be a bystander in his journey from playboy to a guy who thinks the moon rises and sets on his wife, lol.  He stopped working here a few years ago, but his friend is still my coworker.  Former office roomie is still happily married and now there is an adorable baby in their family.

VarunaTT

I feel like a lot of relationships start pretty similarly (I so remember Wonderwife one time saying her DH was just going to be another stallion in her stable).  Hell, K was a one night stand that lasted longer b/c they texted and I had enough fun to respond back.  I refused to be officially committed for 4 months even though I had fallen hard enough to let everyone else on my list go.

I don't see where LW has ever tried to talk to him about this or asked for an apology.  Or how she's done any work to let it go either.  So, either therapy to work on it or actually talk to LW's partner.  Maybe some therapy b/c this seems awfully immature to not have brought up in this amount of time (to me anyway).

drunkenwitch

This letter reminds me, I haven't watched the BBC Pride and Prejudice in ages.   Mmmmmm...Colin Firth.

LW, use your words.