Keep your boundaries

short+sassy

Dear Prudence,

My older, and only, sibling died by suicide a few months ago. I wasn’t very close with my sibling or my parents, in part because my sibling struggled with an untreated mental illness and my parents grew angry whenever anyone suggested treatment. Eventually, distance and therapy helped me accept the limits of my relationship with my family.

Now my father is pushing for us to spend more time together. I know he’s grieving. But I don’t want to. I’m heartbroken over the wasted opportunities for help and don’t feel like I know my parents anymore. I don’t want to reminisce about my sibling with them. We have very little in common except our grief. What’s my obligation here? I’ve already (gently) suggested therapy to help them process this more than once.

OliveOilsMom

Keep your boundaries up. 

If you want to see your parents, go and see them.  But change the subject if sister comes up and give only a small window of time for visiting.

Having some refresher therapy for yourself may be helpful to navigate through this time too.

ei34

How sad.  LW sounds like an incredible person for finding the help they needed.  They don't owe parents a visit but I ditto the title advice to keep strong boundaries if they do.

short+sassy

The LW has no obligation.  I would initially try to keep the relationship at its current level and hope the extra visit requests subsided or dad got the hint.  But, if even the requests started becoming too much, I'd be more blunt and tell dad that I really can't commit to more than (insert the usual).

charlotte989875

You don’t owe them anything, but if you’re heartbroken and frustrated with them, maybe it will help you to talk through that with them (or with your therapist). 

It sounds like LW blames the parents for the siblings mental health and suicide, but that’s not on the parents. Maybe they could have done more, but that may not have made any difference.