Wedding Woes

I feel like this letter is missing a few steps.

Dear Prudence,

Five years ago my best friend, “Jane,” started dating “Scott.” Eventually Jane and I fell out because I didn’t support their relationship. He was rude, often undermined her, and was a passionate Trump supporter. (Jane and I are not Trump supporters.) Recently they broke up, and Jane and I were subsequently able to make up. She told me that he’d been “acting bizarrely,” and discovered he frequented white supremacist forums online. Jane is Black. She learned he had claimed to his racist buddies that he was only with her for the money (she paid for everything), that he was disgusted by physical contact with her, and that he would never have children with her because it would taint his bloodline.

I decided to submit an anonymous tip to the FBI about Scott’s online involvement in white supremacy, hoping someone would keep tabs on him in case he ever escalated to violence. I stand by that decision and don’t regret it. But when Jane found out, she was furious, saying I should have trusted her to make the call. She has cut me out of her life. I’m disappointed because I truly value her friendship and did not do this to undermine her. I want to support my friend. Did I make the right call? What should I do?

—Neighborhood Watch

Re: I feel like this letter is missing a few steps.

  • Wait what?? 

    I'm not Pee Wee Herman so can you please connect the dots between frequents forums and the need to bring that to the attention of the FBI?    

    (note: frequenting the forums and his comments make him a terrible person.   But is any of that illegal??) 
  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 2020
    IDK, the step between "online assholes" and "white supremacist acts" seems to be more and more narrow anymore.  After watching the video of a black man be assaulted for just walking a trail at an official event in Bloomburg, I'm close to developing a zero tolerance policy for this shit from white people.

    I get why Jane's mad and I'm sorry for LW that she's lost this friendship again.  I don't necessarily think LW was wrong if she heard enough to be concerned that violence was a real possibility.  I've been so floored lately at the violence I've seen from regular white people just existing that I can't really fault LW.  I feel like I'm part of a separate species of white people sometimes (I know I'm not and I'm part of whiteness, it's still shocking to me).
  • That's where i am too.  His behavior is disgusting, but I feel like doesn't warrant FBI involvement?  Also, why does Jane know you did this?  If you stand by your decision, own it and deal with the consequences.
  • VarunaTT said:
    IDK, the step between "online assholes" and "white supremacist acts" seems to be more and more narrow anymore.  After watching the video of a black man be assaulted for just walking a trail at an official event in Bloomburg, I'm close to developing a zero tolerance policy for this shit from white people.

    I get why Jane's mad and I'm sorry for LW that she's lost this friendship again.  I don't necessarily think LW was wrong if she heard enough to be concerned that violence was a real possibility.  I've been so floored lately at the violence I've seen from regular white people just existing that I can't really fault LW.  I feel like I'm part of a separate species of white people sometimes (I know I'm not and I'm part of whiteness, it's still shocking to me).
    I think that's why I'd want to know more.   Is he pursuing events with an intent to cause harm?  Is this part of what they're doing?   It turns my stomach that someone could be involved in that group so I guess I'm wondering what about the ex GF's explanation made the LW motivated that this warranted a report to the FBI unless the answer is that all activity involving a hate group should be reported to the FBI and maybe that's the real answer. 
  • mrsconn23 said:
    I agree with you @VarunaTT

    However without further context, LW looks like she's overstepping.  If she asked Jane about it all and implored her to report Scott and Jane blew her off, then LW did what she felt was right.  But if she took the information Jane gave her, didn't ask further questions, decided to report, and then told Jane, then I understand Jane's reaction.  Maybe Jane was gathering information/documentation that would strengthen the case?  If Scott was abusive to Jane, maybe she's scared of him?  Who knows? LW didn't do a good job defending her leap to calling the FBI. 

    On it's face, LW comes off like someone who thinks they know best for everyone. Also IDK LW's race, but if she's white (which I assume because she only brought up Jane's race) and Jane's black, this screams white-savior.  

    The abuse is another good point.   It's the same thing advocated here on the forums when we advise people getting married that if their friend is dating an abuser you still need to invite both or neither because that's most likely going to be a provoking act to the abuser and could lead to potential harm for the abused. 
  • I feel the LW overreached and should have at least spoken to Jane about this first.  I'll even assume the LW was totally warranted to report to the FBI, based on what they read.  But, in a way, that would almost make it worse.  It could put Jane in danger, because she would be the obvious suspect to her ex of who reported him to the FBI.

    And it SUCKS, it does!  That someone might feel they can't report concerning/dangerous behavior to the authorities for fear of retaliation.  But since Jane would be the potential target, she was the one who should have been asked about this first.

    I don't think I would personally feel it was a "friendship-ending" move.  But obviously Jane does and her feelings are not unwarranted.  I'd suggest the LW let Jane know they are there for her, if she changes her mind and will give them another chance.  Then leave her alone.  Let things cool and settle and then possibly reach out again in 6 months. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I had to reread this to make sure I wasn’t missing some key information. 

    Clearly there’s missing information but it sounds like LW did what they thought was right and Jane disagreed. It sucks but sometimes that’s happens. LW says she stands by what she did and doesn’t regret it, good but that doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences and maybe this is one of them. 
  • mrsconn23 said:
    I agree with you @VarunaTT

    However without further context, LW looks like she's overstepping.  If she asked Jane about it all and implored her to report Scott and Jane blew her off, then LW did what she felt was right.  But if she took the information Jane gave her, didn't ask further questions, decided to report, and then told Jane, then I understand Jane's reaction.  Maybe Jane was gathering information/documentation that would strengthen the case?  If Scott was abusive to Jane, maybe she's scared of him?  Who knows? LW didn't do a good job defending her leap to calling the FBI. 

    On it's face, LW comes off like someone who thinks they know best for everyone. Also IDK LW's race, but if she's white (which I assume because she only brought up Jane's race) and Jane's black, this screams white-savior.  

    This is what I think too. In addition to making this report, LW starts off that her relationship was strained with Jane because Jane was dating a guy LW didn't approve of. It sounds like LW likes to overstep. 
  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 2020
    mrsconn23 said:
    I agree with you @VarunaTT

    However without further context, LW looks like she's overstepping.  If she asked Jane about it all and implored her to report Scott and Jane blew her off, then LW did what she felt was right.  But if she took the information Jane gave her, didn't ask further questions, decided to report, and then told Jane, then I understand Jane's reaction.  Maybe Jane was gathering information/documentation that would strengthen the case?  If Scott was abusive to Jane, maybe she's scared of him?  Who knows? LW didn't do a good job defending her leap to calling the FBI. 

    On it's face, LW comes off like someone who thinks they know best for everyone. Also IDK LW's race, but if she's white (which I assume because she only brought up Jane's race) and Jane's black, this screams white-savior.  

    This is what I think too. In addition to making this report, LW starts off that her relationship was strained with Jane because Jane was dating a guy LW didn't approve of. It sounds like LW likes to overstep. 
    I'm not sure I totally believe that.  I've been the person who said something and after that went badly and I lost the friendship.  After that the number of times I've watched friends date someone who in my head I was like, "There's more than 4 people in the world" and kept my mouth shut and been absolutely right, is getting pretty high (and I got back that OG friendship b/c I was actually right about that one too and she reached out and told me so).  At some point you know your friends, their strengths/weaknesses, and you can be right.  LW might've had a gut "I don't like him" feeling and hell, it was way proven out to be right.

    I just keep thinking about everything I'm watching right now and if I knew someone was frequenting Stormfront and found about about info that had that person saying black people disgusted them and the other things listed, I'm not sure I could just step back and feel right about it in our current climate.  I can see why that seems white savior, but I don't think it's applicable b/c LW didn't do it to save Jane personally, she did it to save who might be after Jane.
  • I think if you report someone your friend loved to law enforcement ya gotta expect your friend is going to be mad. 
  • I want Jane's side of the story.  Something about the tone of this letter screams "casually racist" and "micro aggression".  The LW is leaving volumes about their own behavior out. 

  • Also, if any of my BFFs started dating a passionate Trump supporter, I would assume they were under some sort of duress.  I do not mean that as a joke at all.  That goes for the hets and the queer ones.
  • Definitely missing some information here, LW. Did Scott say something online that made you think he was planning something violent? Did Jane suggest to you that she was going to contact the FBI about something and then got scared? To be honest, without knowing more, it sounds like you very much overstepped here.
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  • VarunaTT said:
    Also, if any of my BFFs started dating a passionate Trump supporter, I would assume they were under some sort of duress.  I do not mean that as a joke at all.  That goes for the hets and the queer ones.
    That too! 

    I have a few family members who honestly felt that he had good ideas in 2016 but no friends who felt that way.   The most conservative people I know have for the last half a decade felt that there were far better alternatives out there and many have distanced themselves from anything he's said.  
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