His vote, his voice, his business.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years. He’s kind, smart, gorgeous, and completely in love with me. But we have the exact same fight every time there’s an election. He refuses to tell me who he voted for. He says it’s a secret ballot, so he doesn’t have to tell anyone. We talk about politics all the time, so I know his views are aligned with mine. But his refusal makes me paranoid and anxious that he’s hiding something—like that he voted secretly for Trump, which he knows would be a dealbreaker for me. When I asked him if he had, he was extremely offended but wouldn’t answer me. He thinks a vote is private. I think it’s normal to want to know how your partner votes. Am I being unreasonable? Is he? Are we both being absurd? He’s white and I’m a person of color, if that changes anything.

—Secret Ballot

downtondiva

I don't know why you feel the need to ask your boyfriend every single election who he voted for when you know where he stands on political issues. Do you think he's not being honest with you? My husband's views are aligned with mine, and I never feel the need to ask who he voted for. 

If you have reason to believe that your boyfriend is lying about his political beliefs, you need to find a different way to address that. And either way, I suggest that you back off about asking who he voted for. He is correct that it's a secret ballot and he's not obligated to tell you. 

banana468

It's his vote and it's private.   Unless you suspect that he's just paying lip service you need to respect when he says, "This is something I don't share."  

mrsconn23

At this point if BF starts telling LW his vote, LW may be paranoid BF is lying to get them to shut up.  It's really no-win for BF now.  

LW should not have made this a big ol' deal.  If they often talk about politics and seem to align, then I think LW needs to respect their BF's voting booth privacy.

charlotte989875

I’d be pissed if I found out my husband voted for Trump. But I trust that he’s not lying to me when we discuss politics. 

I’m wondering how old LW is; because I’ve voted in a lot of elections and have a good sense in how H voted in them all. I know they said they’ve been together for 5 years but has it just been in this heated political climate? Maybe that makes it feel more acute than it really needs to be. 

banana468

charlotte989875 said:

I’d be pissed if I found out my husband voted for Trump. But I trust that he’s not lying to me when we discuss politics. 

I’m wondering how old LW is; because I’ve voted in a lot of elections and have a good sense in how H voted in them all. I know they said they’ve been together for 5 years but has it just been in this heated political climate? Maybe that makes it feel more acute than it really needs to be. 

That's sort of my take.

DH and I will exchange who we vote for often but we also discuss our opinions.   There are times that we also aren't entirely aligned and I'm OK with that because we aren't opposites. 

STARMOON44

I think they’re both being weird and something else is going on. Weird to be so insistent on knowing. Weird to not just say. All around this is weird. 

flantastic

I understand where the guy is coming from. I'm pretty sure DH and I vote the same way a lot of the time (and we vote in all the elections, large, small, municipal, primary, etc.) and I sometimes don't want to answer the question of who I voted for because the follow-up is "Why?" and I don't feel the need to go through the whole detailed mental exercise and research of how and why I came to my decision. I did the work, made my choice, and am moving on and don't always want to try to rehash and articulate it. And no one should make me feel like I have to justify it to them.

I'm thinking LW is the sort of person who brings it up at times he doesn't feel like discussing everything there is to know about the candidate he voted for. So "I don't have to tell you that" is a go-to answer. I also know plenty of people who won't tell you something just on principle because you don't actually have the right to know. They may tell you later, but they want to see if you can take no for an answer when you should.

short+sassy

Yes the LW is being unreasonable and yes they are being absurd.  I don't think it's unreasonable she asked, but she should have backed off when he said it's private.  Because it is.

I can see this being a matter of principle for him.

Her insistence reminds me of the bad ole' days when voting locations were at factories and the boss would be looking over the employees' shoulders to make sure they were voting the "right" way.  Yes, an employer is a very different relationship from an SO, but I'm getting the same "squicky" feeling.