Wedding Woes

hurt when I should be happy

I've never posted to a forum before, but I need to get some stuff off my chest and some unbiased advice from anyone who is willing to listen.
My fiancé proposed to me two weeks ago. We have been together for 7 years now and there was never any pressure to get married. I have a broken relationship with my remaining family members. My dad committed suicide when I was 19 and I was the person that found him. It was two weeks after my uncle (who lived with us) passed and my dad suffered from depression and addiction issues. When he passed my mom told me we could then finally be close now that he "wasn't in the way". It was a week before I started my first year of college. In the time we have been together he has met my mom once. The only other family member that I had a close relationship with was my grandmother who passed away last year. 

My fiancé and I have made a happy life together. It took a long time for me to personally grow and direct my life toward the future and not the past. In the last few years I have changed my mindset and the way I view myself in a forward direction and for that I am proud. In some ways, he has played a role in that, but I have always felt that his growth into the later stages of adulthood has overshadowed my needs. He is kind and caring, and I love him. I have always felt that I can manage my own personal growth while still helping him gain independence from his family. His family life has been very different than mine and in some ways it has brought us closer and allowed me to envision a life together that was nurturing and accepting like his. Both sides of his family are loving and supportive and I have been fortunate to have been accepted by them over the years with open arms. However this difference in upbringing has enabled him to make impulsive decisions and use his family as a fallback. In other ways I have felt this rift between us in terms of accountability and responsibility.

I am a planner, and although I don't want to live my life based on my past I do use what I have gone through to create a safety net for my future. 

I had always shied away from a wedding; we had talked about eloping over the past few years and I was 100% okay with that but he wanted to include his (large) family. I can understand that....he has older family members that would like to see him get married and he is VERY close with his mom. In one conversation he told me that his mom would be hurt if we eloped. About a month before he proposed it was like a switch had turned on in me. I awoke one day feeling like ANYTHING was possible! I genuinely felt in my heart that I truly loved him and by golly if he wanted a wedding and I could be open to it we could really create a celebration of us and our love. I guess I was always caught up in what I didn't have instead of focusing on the good in my life when it came to something so rooted in tradition. It was hard to imagine getting married without my family, but I truly began to believe that I had missed so many big milestones in my life that I could allow myself this. And the kicker is I didn't tell him this right away. I eluded here and there, and come to find out, he had bought the ring a week before. I guess he was feeling it too.

He isn't a planner like me and that's okay. All I have asked from him is input on things (like guest list, groomsmen) and just to be present in this experience with me. We can't really plan an actual wedding right now and that's okay too, especially if we are paying for it ourselves and with the pandemic the future is really uncertain. I mean, we've only been engaged a couple of weeks. I wanted to dream and scheme and enjoy pre marital bliss. I'll admit I have looked at dream dresses and started to put together a couple of bridesmaid proposal boxes. I can't really do much else but I was happy with doing something wedding related without planning details of the actual event. For the first time in a decade I felt like the world was my oyster....I was a bride to be and I was happy. There was no shoe to drop. I could allow myself to be blissfully guilt free. 

Until we start seeing people...We have been relaxing our normal socially distant behaviors and actually going places, so of course we have run into a few friends here and there. We wanted to celebrate a little. When asked about our lives by his friends, he replies "nothing"...!?
He didn't even tell his grandmother....one of the main people that was behind the reason he didn't want to elope. I gave him the benefit of doubt, he's a medical patient in Michigan so maybe he was just under the influence and wasn't fully present...maybe he just doesn't like the spotlight...but three different times? I was willing to look past it because I love him, but my feelings were really hurt by his lack of excitement and general nonchalance over something that I was over the moon about.  

He likes my idea of proposal boxes. He wanted to craft a few things for his, which was great because I love doing creative things, especially with him. We paint a couple of crates at his mom's house and when she asks us about any details he completely shuts down and starts acting like this whole wedding planning is so stressful and he can't figure out who he wants as groomsmen, what he wants to do, etc. Which was not how the conversation went when it was just he and I. We had discussed a longer engagement, given the current circumstances and that was fine for us.. He was in full support of that so we could afford the celebration that included his whole family, so we could have time to create instead of buy and so we could make sure we weren't endangering his elderly family members by including them in a large grouping. And yesterday when his mom asks him about a date he again acts completely odd. He looks at me and says "I forgot what I was supposed to say", like it was some script that was written out for him! It was his recommendation for a long engagement, and his reasons were what spurred us to want a wedding to begin with! To which his mom replies that if we didn't want to wait that long we could just elope and be done with it so we wouldn't have to stress. I was speechless and hurt and respectfully said my goodbyes before a long night of tears. 

Like I said before I have never posted to a forum before and I'm not on social media, so this process of looking online for help is completely new to me. Thank you to any person that has read this post in it's entirety and I apologize for it's lengthiness. I am just so hurt by this and I really don't know what to do. I feel like I created this situation where I built myself up to this idea of a happy event and I feel betrayed that this is how it's playing out. In terms of emotional development I feel like this is really hurting me. I am starting to feel self conscious about if I even deserve to have this happy time, since it was never something I thought I was whole enough to have. I don't know how someone could act so loving and then be so completely unaware of his actions and words. I wish I could turn to my family for any kind of advice or support. I feel foolish for allowing myself to want this and for taking this leap without a safety net.

Re: hurt when I should be happy

  • I've never posted to a forum before, but I need to get some stuff off my chest and some unbiased advice from anyone who is willing to listen.
    My fiancé proposed to me two weeks ago. We have been together for 7 years now and there was never any pressure to get married. I have a broken relationship with my remaining family members. My dad committed suicide when I was 19 and I was the person that found him. It was two weeks after my uncle (who lived with us) passed and my dad suffered from depression and addiction issues. When he passed my mom told me we could then finally be close now that he "wasn't in the way". It was a week before I started my first year of college. In the time we have been together he has met my mom once. The only other family member that I had a close relationship with was my grandmother who passed away last year. 

    My fiancé and I have made a happy life together. It took a long time for me to personally grow and direct my life toward the future and not the past. In the last few years I have changed my mindset and the way I view myself in a forward direction and for that I am proud. In some ways, he has played a role in that, but I have always felt that his growth into the later stages of adulthood has overshadowed my needs. He is kind and caring, and I love him. I have always felt that I can manage my own personal growth while still helping him gain independence from his family. His family life has been very different than mine and in some ways it has brought us closer and allowed me to envision a life together that was nurturing and accepting like his. Both sides of his family are loving and supportive and I have been fortunate to have been accepted by them over the years with open arms. However this difference in upbringing has enabled him to make impulsive decisions and use his family as a fallback. In other ways I have felt this rift between us in terms of accountability and responsibility.

    I am a planner, and although I don't want to live my life based on my past I do use what I have gone through to create a safety net for my future. 

    I had always shied away from a wedding; we had talked about eloping over the past few years and I was 100% okay with that but he wanted to include his (large) family. I can understand that....he has older family members that would like to see him get married and he is VERY close with his mom. In one conversation he told me that his mom would be hurt if we eloped. About a month before he proposed it was like a switch had turned on in me. I awoke one day feeling like ANYTHING was possible! I genuinely felt in my heart that I truly loved him and by golly if he wanted a wedding and I could be open to it we could really create a celebration of us and our love. I guess I was always caught up in what I didn't have instead of focusing on the good in my life when it came to something so rooted in tradition. It was hard to imagine getting married without my family, but I truly began to believe that I had missed so many big milestones in my life that I could allow myself this. And the kicker is I didn't tell him this right away. I eluded here and there, and come to find out, he had bought the ring a week before. I guess he was feeling it too.

    He isn't a planner like me and that's okay. All I have asked from him is input on things (like guest list, groomsmen) and just to be present in this experience with me. We can't really plan an actual wedding right now and that's okay too, especially if we are paying for it ourselves and with the pandemic the future is really uncertain. I mean, we've only been engaged a couple of weeks. I wanted to dream and scheme and enjoy pre marital bliss. I'll admit I have looked at dream dresses and started to put together a couple of bridesmaid proposal boxes. I can't really do much else but I was happy with doing something wedding related without planning details of the actual event. For the first time in a decade I felt like the world was my oyster....I was a bride to be and I was happy. There was no shoe to drop. I could allow myself to be blissfully guilt free. 

    Until we start seeing people...We have been relaxing our normal socially distant behaviors and actually going places, so of course we have run into a few friends here and there. We wanted to celebrate a little. When asked about our lives by his friends, he replies "nothing"...!?
    He didn't even tell his grandmother....one of the main people that was behind the reason he didn't want to elope. I gave him the benefit of doubt, he's a medical patient in Michigan so maybe he was just under the influence and wasn't fully present...maybe he just doesn't like the spotlight...but three different times? I was willing to look past it because I love him, but my feelings were really hurt by his lack of excitement and general nonchalance over something that I was over the moon about.  

    He likes my idea of proposal boxes. He wanted to craft a few things for his, which was great because I love doing creative things, especially with him. We paint a couple of crates at his mom's house and when she asks us about any details he completely shuts down and starts acting like this whole wedding planning is so stressful and he can't figure out who he wants as groomsmen, what he wants to do, etc. Which was not how the conversation went when it was just he and I. We had discussed a longer engagement, given the current circumstances and that was fine for us.. He was in full support of that so we could afford the celebration that included his whole family, so we could have time to create instead of buy and so we could make sure we weren't endangering his elderly family members by including them in a large grouping. And yesterday when his mom asks him about a date he again acts completely odd. He looks at me and says "I forgot what I was supposed to say", like it was some script that was written out for him! It was his recommendation for a long engagement, and his reasons were what spurred us to want a wedding to begin with! To which his mom replies that if we didn't want to wait that long we could just elope and be done with it so we wouldn't have to stress. I was speechless and hurt and respectfully said my goodbyes before a long night of tears. 

    Like I said before I have never posted to a forum before and I'm not on social media, so this process of looking online for help is completely new to me. Thank you to any person that has read this post in it's entirety and I apologize for it's lengthiness. I am just so hurt by this and I really don't know what to do. I feel like I created this situation where I built myself up to this idea of a happy event and I feel betrayed that this is how it's playing out. In terms of emotional development I feel like this is really hurting me. I am starting to feel self conscious about if I even deserve to have this happy time, since it was never something I thought I was whole enough to have. I don't know how someone could act so loving and then be so completely unaware of his actions and words. I wish I could turn to my family for any kind of advice or support. I feel foolish for allowing myself to want this and for taking this leap without a safety net.
    I’m very sorry for your losses. I understand how difficult everything must have been for you. 

    Is this out of character for him? Have you talked to him and told him how this has been making you feel? 


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  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I'm sorry for all that you've gone through.  Just to clarify, your FI is telling people you're engaged but then doesn't want to discuss wedding details with his family and your shared friends? 
    Your feelings are valid and you expressed yourself really well here- maybe tell FI that ABC are hurting your feelings for XYZ reasons.  You two could also use a heart to heart regarding what the ideal wedding would look like for both of you, and then work on making that day happen, instead of you going along completely with his vision.  Keep coming here to vent, type things out, etc., you'll find a supportive community here.
    short+sassy
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