So you're not angry, but what about any other emotion or concern?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

After months of odd bank transactions, weird absences, and strange smells on her clothes, I confronted my wife with my suspicion that she was cheating on me. She broke down and confessed. I was upset until she revealed she was cheating on me with a female coworker. She apologized profusely and swore that she still loved me and wanted to make our relationship work. Oddly, I found myself relieved. I’m not happy she lied but almost don’t care that she was carrying on an affair with a woman. Yet, I feel like it almost makes me a bad person if I’m OK with this. Somehow it seems sort of sexist! Is it OK that I am (mostly) OK with my wife having had an affair with a woman?

—(Feeling Lousy About) Feeling Fine

charlotte989875

You can be okay with it, but just make sure you’re not secretly or unconsciously holding on to this to use it against her later. You’re entitled to all your feelings about what has happened, but if you choose to forgive her and stick it out, you need to do so without holding on to the right to be mad at her later. 

banana468

You know that this isn't a porn scene where you get to watch right?  

Why are you  OK that she betrayed your trust? 

CharmedPam

LW may be ok with it now, probably playing in with a sexual fantasy of two woman together - if they think it’s all sexual. But their opinions will change when it turns emotional and is LW prepared for that?

mrsconn23

Yes, the reeks of ick to me.  LW is only thinking of it in a sexual fantasy way vs. the real life consequences.  His wife works with her affair partner.  She was spending money on her.  She was sneaking around with her.  Also, he doesn't mention that his wife has been open about her bisexuality before. 

There's so much that his wife has been hiding from him.  But he's excusing it/not angry because she didn't put a dick in the middle of it.  

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

Yes, the reeks of ick to me.  LW is only thinking of it in a sexual fantasy way vs. the real life consequences.  His wife works with her affair partner.  She was spending money on her.  She was sneaking around with her.  Also, he doesn't mention that his wife has been open about her bisexuality before. 

There's so much that his wife has been hiding from him.  But he's excusing it/not angry because she didn't put a dick in the middle of it.  

Exactly.

She used your joint finances to do this!

The end result isn't that you get to live out some fantasy with two women.   They did all of this without you and you're stuck going off to the kitchen to fix yourself a sandwich.   

downtondiva

Is LW not mad because this has given him the chance to indulge in some sort of sexual fantasy of his wife with another woman? Because she still cheated, she still sneaked around, and she still messed with their money to do all this. Doesn't any of that still bother him? At all?

VarunaTT

Toxic masculinity is a helluva drug.

short+sassy

Something like this happened to an ex-b/f of mine.  I'll call her "A" and him "D".  He wasn't married to A, but they were serious enough, monogamous (or supposed to be), and living together.  He knew she was bi-sexual.  He started becoming suspicious that she was cheating on him with one of her female friends.  Because A and the friend were spending a LOT of time together, but almost always only at the friend's place.

The extra crappy part is she denied, denied, denied she was cheating.  Until she was ready to walk out on D for the other woman and THEN she came clean and they talked about it.

And a further twist in the story as an example of how different some people's attitudes can be.  The friend had a live-in b/f also.  He was not a part of the romantic relationship between A and his g/f and did not even try to be (or at least that was what A told D).  He also wasn't bothered by his g/f having a relationship with A.  I asked D if the other couple had an open relationship anyway, but he didn't know.

In the end, when A left D for the other woman.  The other woman also left her b/f for A.  At the time, I wondered if that would change the other guy's perspective on open/partial-open relationships.  Nothing wrong with open relationships when there is honesty involved, but I could also see someone changing their view if it goes badly.

drunkenwitch

Oh yeah, he's okay for now only because he's imagining a threesome that plays out exactly like a porn in his head and when that doesn't happen, I guarantee he's not being fine with it. 

banana468

short+sassy said:

Something like this happened to an ex-b/f of mine.  I'll call her "A" and him "D".  He wasn't married to A, but they were serious enough, monogamous (or supposed to be), and living together.  He knew she was bi-sexual.  He started becoming suspicious that she was cheating on him with one of her female friends.  Because A and the friend were spending a LOT of time together, but almost always only at the friend's place.

The extra crappy part is she denied, denied, denied she was cheating.  Until she was ready to walk out on D for the other woman and THEN she came clean and they talked about it.

And a further twist in the story as an example of how different some people's attitudes can be.  The friend had a live-in b/f also.  He was not a part of the romantic relationship between A and his g/f and did not even try to be (or at least that was what A told D).  He also wasn't bothered by his g/f having a relationship with A.  I asked D if the other couple had an open relationship anyway, but he didn't know.

In the end, when A left D for the other woman.  The other woman also left her b/f for A.  At the time, I wondered if that would change the other guy's perspective on open/partial-open relationships.  Nothing wrong with open relationships when there is honesty involved, but I could also see someone changing their view if it goes badly.

Yup.   I've seen some friends with open marriage who make it work.   But they are completely honest and open with each other to do so and BOTH have to be completely open to the concept.