Unplanned uncertainty

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I have been with my boyfriend for only three months, but in this short time we’ve developed a strong connection. Despite using birth control, I got pregnant. I just started my career, and my boyfriend has stated he doesn’t want any more children. He also has severe anxiety when things change and I feel this news will destroy our budding relationship. Between the two of us, we already have two 11-year-old children with special needs. Is it morally wrong to get an abortion without telling him I am even pregnant? I love him, and I don’t want to lose the one man I am willing to give my heart to.

—Unexpectedly Pregnant

VarunaTT

LW....WTF do YOU want to do?  All of this is about him, his feelings, thoughts, desires, and needs. 

I personally don't have an issue with if LW doesn't want a baby, having an abortion w/out telling the person who got you pregnant.  But I don't like LW's reasons around this particular question and think LW needs to push on that harder for themselves before deciding the answer to THAT question.

mrsconn23

I get the impression that LW doesn't want the baby, but is afraid if they terminate...they won't be able to keep that from their partner forever?  Honestly, he sounds like quite a mess to be in a relationship since he apparently doesn't manage his anxiety well.  LW has a lot on their plate with a SN child and new career and an anxious partner. 

Honestly, I'd consider the abortion, heavily, and backing off the relationship.  

CharmedPam

I got the impression neither of them want the baby.  To me, this is something the LW does need to discuss with her bf.  They can talk about it, but ultimately it is LW’s decision. 

MyNameIsNot

LW is not under any obligation to tell her partner before (or after) getting an abortion. But in a healthy relationship, your partner should be the person you talk to about these kind of decisions. If you don't think you can talk to him about it, are you sure this is really a relationship you want to be in? 

charlotte989875

If LW wants an abortion they should have one. If they want to tell their partner they should. But they should make the decision based on what they duly want and not want they think the partner will or won’t do in response. 

short+sassy

MyNameIsNot said:

LW is not under any obligation to tell her partner before (or after) getting an abortion. But in a healthy relationship, your partner should be the person you talk to about these kind of decisions. If you don't think you can talk to him about it, are you sure this is really a relationship you want to be in? 

This exactly!  No, the LW does not need to feel obligated to discuss having an abortion with her SO or tell him after the fact.  But the fact that she is uncomfortable doing so, just so she doesn't trigger his anxiety, speaks volumes to me.

The LW needs to marinate on what her future will look like with a man that doesn't handle anxiety well.  Life is full of anxiety.  Especially if they both have a special needs child.  Maybe I'm reading too much into the letter, but I'm picturing the LW spending her life shielding him from bad news if they stay together.  That's a really heavy burden.