Why not ask your therapist these questions instead of Prudie?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I’m a woman who recently turned 35. Having kids is important to me, so (with help from a therapist) I made an appointment with a fertility center in May and have been getting the zillions of tests necessary before I can get turkey baster’d. But I met a wonderful guy in May. If I liked him any less, I would already be moving ahead with sperm donation, but I think we could have a future together. We’ve talked a little bit about kids (he’s open to the idea but doesn’t have a sense of urgency about it like I do), but I don’t know how or when to talk to him about my “timeline.” I’d like to start trying no later than a year from now. But it seems like a lot to drop on someone I haven’t been dating for very long, especially when dating during a pandemic is already weird. Do you have any advice for when it’s appropriate to have that conversation and how to have it in a way that is not a really scary ultimatum? I know the “when” is arbitrary, in a sense, but it’s hard to balance sharing deal-breakers ASAP versus waiting until I have a better understanding of our relationship.

—Sperm Donor Revelations

charlotte989875

It’s whenever you feel like you need to move forward and take the next step with fertility options.

Don’t put your dreams or needs on hold for someone you’ve only known a few weeks? Months? Everything is good and exciting at the moment, but how will you feel if you wait 6 months to a year if you put a hold on treatments and things don’t work out with this guy? 

mrsconn23

I think LW  needs to tell him sooner than later what her plans were before they met.  I guess the question is, are you going to invest in a guy you barely know and ditch the carefully laid plans for the child you know you want?   At the same time, there is no guarantee that she'll get the timeline she wants from the fertility process and maybe this guy could be 'the' guy. 

Again, these are things to explore with her therapist.  Prudie definitely can't solve it. 

CharmedPam

Wait, LW doesn’t say she has a therapist right now, does she?  I don’t know if I would get one for this situation alone?

if this is published in Aug, and she met him in May, then I don’t think it’s to soon to have the “do you want kids?” Talk

banana468

If you have hard rules in your relationship then own them.

"Hey, before we met I was in the process of looking into being a single parent.  Having children is important to me and I wanted to let you know in case this may be something that you don't see in your life. "  

See where that takes the conversation. 

short+sassy

There was a similar post to this on the sub-Reddit AITA, lol.  In this case it was a WIBTA (Would I Be the Asshole) question.

The OP is going to start fertility treatments as soon as her clinic is back up.  But, in the meantime, had met a great guy and wasn't sure if she should tell him now or later.  Though, for the OP, it wasn't a question of "if".  She was still going to do it.  She was just torn between scaring him off when there could be something there.  But then didn't feel right about withholding the information, while they got more involved either.

She ultimately decided to tell him.  She even posted an update that he had taken it well.  They were still together and things were going great.  There was even talk that he might consider being the father, because he wants children anyway.  It just depends where they are in the relationship at that time.  But he also had no issues with her using a sperm donor to get pregnant as soon as possible if their relationship still isn't "there", when her clinic reopens.

Assuming the LW is dating this guy exclusively, she should have this talk with him now.  The "timing" of children is important to the LW.  I'd start the conversation with something like, "I know it's a bit early to be having this conversation but..." and then explain things like she did in the letter.  See how he feels.

It's far better for all parties to know NOW, if:

a) there is no way he wants children that soon and this is a deal breaker
b) he doesn't want his own children this soon, but he's fine with her plans
c) he's totally up for that or
d) he's up for that, but can they wait 3 months or 6 months to see how things go.