Wedding Woes

Your body, your choice.

Dear Prudence,

I’m unexpectedly pregnant. I’m almost 40, and in my 20s I was told it would be practically impossible to conceive “naturally.” I met my husband, Charlie, 10 years ago. He was a single father to Lily, whom I’ve since adopted. I was worried he wouldn’t want a future with me if I told him I was infertile, but he was adamant about not wanting more kids. Lily’s mother abandoned them shortly after Lily’s birth, and raising her alone was incredibly difficult for him. This baby feels like a miracle to me. I want to keep it so badly. But I’m almost certain Charlie will ask me to have an abortion. And if it came down to it, I’d choose him and Lily, but it would break my heart. I choke on my words when I try to tell Charlie I’m pregnant, because I know one of the most difficult discussions of my life will follow. Where do I begin?

—Unexpected Conundrum

Re: Your body, your choice.

  • You are seeing this child as a miracle.   Talk to your husband.   Tell him and see where the conversation goes.   But in your heart you want this baby so figure out how you can see yourself making this work.  
  • If you want this baby, then keep this baby. Don’t make this decision based on what someone else wants. If you’re seeing this as a miracle that should tell you a lot about what you want to do here. You tell him by telling them. There’s no easy way here you just have to say the words. 

    And pro-choice means getting to choose what is right for you at the right time. 
  • I think (or perhaps I hope) that she is shortchanging her H on this.  He might be disappointed.  He might want to at least talk about the abortion option.  But I would hope he would man up and accept that a baby is on the way, whether he likes it or not, once he realizes how much this child means to his wife.  I would find it disgusting and infuriating if her H would even think about leaving her, if she didn't get an abortion.  That alone would be a strong case to DTMFA and have this baby.

    Oopsie babies happen and they are both equally at fault for that.  "Practically impossible" doesn't mean "impossible".  They both decided not to use protection and took the chance the LW wouldn't conceive, but she did.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • You need to talk to your husband about how you feel about your pregnancy and what he has said in the past about not wanting more kids. It's not going to be a short or easy conversation, but necessary ones rarely are. And if Charlie's main reason for not wanting more kids was the trauma of Lily's mother leaving them and him having to raise Lily on his own, it needs to be impressed upon him that things wouldn't be like that this time. I understand it must have been difficult to be a single father, but it's not fair to rob LW of having this baby because Charlie (wrongly) assumes that it would be just as hard this time around.
  • A baby is a blessing so you should tell your husband how you feel about it and I hope it'll work out well for you.
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