Daughter v. New BF

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

After 11 years of marriage and two young children, my husband killed himself, and I became a widow. It’s been a few years now, and I’ve been seriously dating a man for nine months. It’s a great fit and is a very loving and respectful relationship that I see lasting for a long time. He’s been spending more time around my kids, starting a few months ago. The problem is that my 13-year-old daughter hates him! She is openly rude and complains when he comes over (about once a week). I have reinforced the expectation that we treat everyone with respect and kindness, but her behavior persists. (My son, who is 9, likes the boyfriend a lot and enjoys hanging out with him.)

I do know that seeing me with someone else brings up grief for her dad, as it does for me sometimes too. We talk openly a lot, and I listen and give lots of hugs. I think it’s important to note that she had met my previous serious boyfriend and loved him! She’s young and handling a lot of complex emotions and a challenging situation, and I’m proud of who she is and how she has handled her father’s death. But how do I navigate this? I think I’m hesitant to give her consequences when she’s rude because I don’t want to drive a wedge further between us and make her feel like she’s the odd one out.

—Angry Teenager Ruining My Love Life

charlotte989875

Family therapy. I mean that should have started a long time ago, but it’s not too late. 

It’s not okay for her to be rude but that’s clearly coming from somewhere and you need to help her deal with that. 

short+sassy

Family therapy is a great solution and possibly some individual therapy sessions for the daughter, if that seems warranted by her other behaviors/discussions.

I think some of this is also her age.  13 is a crappy time for everyone, even without other difficulties.  This is a time when kids usually start to rebel, want more independence, and think adults are stupid.  None of these are excuses for the daughter to treat the b/f or any other guests in their home rudely.  She should have fitting punishments for when that happens.  The LW should validate her feelings that it is okay she doesn't like b/f, but she has to be polite.

STARMOON44

Well why does she hate him? If your otherwise well adjusted polite child just hates this one guy, I think you should work to provide space for her to share why. Not just spout perky nonsense about treating everyone with respect because no we do not need to do that, some people are not worthy of respect. 

MissKittyDanger

The kids lost their father.
LW lost their spouse.

Regardless, the situation needs counseling. Learn that their feelings are valid and that everyone deals differently but there's no need to be rude.

downtondiva

I agree that counseling is a good idea, but I think first, you should try to talk to your daughter, without the boyfriend or her brother around. Instead of getting into the "treating everyone with respect talk," tell her you've noticed how rude she is to your boyfriend and ask, gently, where that is coming from. Maybe he said something that she found hurtful, maybe their personalities just clash, or maybe as a teenager, she just needs an adult to be rude to and picked your boyfriend. 

There's something else I can't help wondering about, though: how old was your daughter when her father committed suicide? She's 13 now, and you said that your husband died a few years ago. Is it possible that she's just at this point really coming to terms with her father's death and how he died,  in a way that maybe she was too young to do before? And that given the grief that comes with that, she really finds it hard to be around your boyfriend? 

None of this is an excuse for her to be constantly rude to your boyfriend, of course. But before you can fix the problem, I think you need to try to understand fully what that problem actually is.