Wedding Woes

COVID concerns are valid for a "way out"

My mother and I have always had a tumultuous relationship. Even when I am not particularly “triggered” by her presence, spending time with her feels forced and distressing, and we have very little in common. She tends to be oblivious to cues, but even so I have a hard time believing she doesn’t pick up on the awkwardness. She redirects any and all “negative talk” and smiles forcefully, to the point where it just looks like a grimace. Keeping my boundaries has been easier since we live in different states. But now she has declared that she plans to visit me (for several days) for my upcoming birthday. I don’t think she knows anyone else in my city, so this would mean almost a week of one-on-one interaction. She plans to book a hotel, at least. But I feel certain this visit would be incredibly emotionally draining. I don’t feel quite ready to start “unpacking the baggage” with her yet. I also have reservations about potential COVID-19 spread, as she’ll be coming from a state with little to no restrictions in place (she has been posting about restaurant outings and such). But I know she loves me, and I care for her enough that I don’t want to hurt her feelings, so in many ways I feel obligated to play host. I can’t think of an honest way out that wouldn’t deeply upset her. Do I need to armor up and grit my teeth on my birthday week, or can I get out of this?
Wedding Countdown Ticker

Re: COVID concerns are valid for a "way out"

  • You need to figure out what you want here.   Do you want any or no contact?

    If you want some modest interaction then what about, "Mom, could you please get a COVID-19 test before coming out?  If you do then I can feel comfortable about making plans on (name the nights) when I am available." 
    charlotte989875
  • It’s hard when you have people in your life that are difficult to get on with but it’s not so bad you want to cut them out. 

    Sure you can use covid as an excuse but it’s likely to just push this issue doesn’t help toad to the next time she wants to visit. It might be time to finally deal with whatever baggage exists because otherwise every potential visit is going to bring up the same feelings. 
    short+sassycupcait927MyNameIsNot
  • It’s hard when you have people in your life that are difficult to get on with but it’s not so bad you want to cut them out. 

    Sure you can use covid as an excuse but it’s likely to just push this issue doesn’t help toad to the next time she wants to visit. It might be time to finally deal with whatever baggage exists because otherwise every potential visit is going to bring up the same feelings. 
    I agree it's just putting it off, but it seems like that is what the LW needs right now.

    Plus, since the LW does still want their mother in their life, they do need to be ready for either their mother to make an occasional visit or vice-versa once it is safe to do so.  Generally speaking, that's some of the obligation people need to make for family and people they love.  Though, for the future, the LW can still control the "number" and "length" of visits.

    Quite frankly, the LW would also be within their right to tell their mom they don't want any or rarely any visits, but that is a harsh and hurtful thing to say.  Even if it is the truth.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    banana468STARMOON44
  • It’s hard when you have people in your life that are difficult to get on with but it’s not so bad you want to cut them out. 

    Sure you can use covid as an excuse but it’s likely to just push this issue doesn’t help toad to the next time she wants to visit. It might be time to finally deal with whatever baggage exists because otherwise every potential visit is going to bring up the same feelings. 
    I agree it's just putting it off, but it seems like that is what the LW needs right now.

    Plus, since the LW does still want their mother in their life, they do need to be ready for either their mother to make an occasional visit or vice-versa once it is safe to do so.  Generally speaking, that's some of the obligation people need to make for family and people they love.  Though, for the future, the LW can still control the "number" and "length" of visits.

    Quite frankly, the LW would also be within their right to tell their mom they don't want any or rarely any visits, but that is a harsh and hurtful thing to say.  Even if it is the truth.
    Also agreed.   LW needs to make a choice and can be diplomatic in how it's approached. 
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards