Wedding Woes

Keep it general with an added "don't want to discuss"

Classic Prudie:

My best friend since college died suddenly. Prior to her death we had talked about my getting custody of her children in the event of such an occurrence. She was a single mother by choice and fortunately could afford to do it. I have been with her from Day 1 and have watched her babies grow up and consider them to be as much mine as hers. She had been estranged from her family for many years so there was never any question as to who would care for them if she was unable. Some months before the accident I became engaged but now that there are kids in the picture he has put the brakes on the engagement. He always seemed to like children, and had expressed interest in having a family, but now he is saying that he isn’t sure he wants the responsibility of taking on a pair of grieving 5-year-olds. I am naturally very hurt but agreed that if he doesn’t feel he can commit to being a father then we cannot be married. How do I explain to people who are expecting me to be getting married in the next nine months that it is no longer happening without going into all the details of our life?
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Re: Keep it general with an added "don't want to discuss"

  • "Unreconciled differences" 

    You don't need to give the full backstory if you don't want to. 
    short+sassycharlotte989875cupcait927MNNEBride
  • The LW should have a standard sentence ready, like what some of the PPs have mentioned, to say when it comes up.  And, for nosier people because you know they are out there, an additional, "I don't want to discuss it.  I'm sure you understand."
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    STARMOON44
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I’m confused.  Is her FI leaving her completey or calling off the wedding?

  • “Unfortunately we’ve called things off. I appreciate the concern but prefer not to discuss it. “
    charlotte989875cupcait927short+sassy
  • "He was hiding a raging cocaine addition, I have been secretly moonlighting as a sex worker. We confessed everything during a binge drinking weekend in Vegas and are sorting it out. Just kidding, it's none of your business." 

    Or "we're figuring it out" and bean dip.  
    lolololol
  • I’m confused.  Is her FI leaving her completey or calling off the wedding?
    I don't know!  It could be either way.  That was a weird aspect of the letter.  It's not very clear what is happening.  I'm not even sure if the engagement has been cancelled or they are thinking about cancelling it.

    My guess?  The FI is not sure.  It's not a definite dealbreaker for him, but it could be.  The LW doesn't talk about them breaking up, just that they are (or might be) cancelling the engagement.  I don't think they are breaking up yet.  I think they want to see how things go, once the LW takes custody of the children.

    I feel bad for both of them.  Neither person is doing anything wrong, but they are at an impasse.

    A little secret about me that even my H doesn't know.  When we were first dating, his two youngest daughters were 2 and 4.  Their mother had full custody and all of them lived nowhere near us (West Coast).  He got an emergency phone call one day that the mother was in the hospital, so he flew out.  He warned me he might be coming back with his daughters and also with some foreboding that his ex has some kind of hereditary medical condition (he was very hazy with the details) and it's possible they'd be staying with him for good.

    I was definitely in a "Oof, I'm going to have to see how that goes if he has custody of his daughters," situation.  Full or half/shared custody had been a dealbreaker for me when I was dating.  And I wasn't sure, but was leaning on the side of "it still is".

    At any rate, crisis averted!  (Phew).  His ex's prognosis was good and she full recovered from whatever was wrong.  I'm not a monster, lol.  The most important thing was those little girls didn't lose their mom.  But I was happy for me, too.  
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I’m confused.  Is her FI leaving her completey or calling off the wedding?
    I don't know!  It could be either way.  That was a weird aspect of the letter.  It's not very clear what is happening.  I'm not even sure if the engagement has been cancelled or they are thinking about cancelling it.

    My guess?  The FI is not sure.  It's not a definite dealbreaker for him, but it could be.  The LW doesn't talk about them breaking up, just that they are (or might be) cancelling the engagement.  I don't think they are breaking up yet.  I think they want to see how things go, once the LW takes custody of the children.

    I feel bad for both of them.  Neither person is doing anything wrong, but they are at an impasse.

    A little secret about me that even my H doesn't know.  When we were first dating, his two youngest daughters were 2 and 4.  Their mother had full custody and all of them lived nowhere near us (West Coast).  He got an emergency phone call one day that the mother was in the hospital, so he flew out.  He warned me he might be coming back with his daughters and also with some foreboding that his ex has some kind of hereditary medical condition (he was very hazy with the details) and it's possible they'd be staying with him for good.

    I was definitely in a "Oof, I'm going to have to see how that goes if he has custody of his daughters," situation.  Full or half/shared custody had been a dealbreaker for me when I was dating.  And I wasn't sure, but was leaning on the side of "it still is".

    At any rate, crisis averted!  (Phew).  His ex's prognosis was good and she full recovered from whatever was wrong.  I'm not a monster, lol.  The most important thing was those little girls didn't lose their mom.  But I was happy for me, too.  
    SITB

    I also read it that they haven't figured it out yet. They dated and got engaged with one set of circumstances; now everything is different. So they're putting on the breaks while they figure out if this is still right. 

    Choosing to be child-free is totally valid. I don't know if I would be up for adding a child to my existing life. (Although I've agreed to be guardian for my sister's kids, so I guess I would.) But adding a kid changes everything. It's ok to not want that sprung on you! 
    short+sassyVarunaTTcharlotte989875
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