Dear Prudence,
A few years ago, I started working at a new company and met “Angelica,” a colleague who was bright, capable, and fun. We became fast friends and spent a lot of time together. She’s five years younger than me, and her drive and passion for work reminded me of myself a bit earlier in my career. But eventually I noticed she often spoke very poorly of her friends and seemed to have a lot of drama with them, and that most of our conversations revolved around her life and her anxiety. This year I got laid off, along with many others. I was depressed and frightened about the future. Angelica and I would occasionally text, but the conversations inevitably returned to her and her anxiety, particularly about work. I didn’t realize until later that these conversations were exhausting and negative, so I pulled back, and noticed that when I didn’t text her first, she wouldn’t reach out.
Whenever we planned a virtual hangout, she’d come up with an excuse at the last minute or simply fail to show up. While I was kind of sad that she wouldn’t make time for me, it seemed going our separate ways would be for the best and was happening naturally. After a while, she texted something fairly meaningless, like “Yo,” and I ignored it, since I was dealing with something else at the time. It’s been a few weeks now, and she’s reached out several times asking why I’m ignoring her, and I am seized with anxiety when I think about responding with why, because I think it will turn into a lengthy argument I don’t want to have. However, I see her side—if a friend was to start ignoring me, I would be bewildered and confused as well, and I feel bad about ghosting her (I never ghost people). What is my obligation to a self-centered friend I still care about, but don’t want to be friends with anymore?
—Reluctant Ghost