Wedding Woes

You really have a husband problem vs. your BIL's issues.

Dear Prudence,

In my small town there is a farmers market with many booths that can be rented out seasonally on a first-come, first-serve basis. My husband’s brother tried to rent a booth last spring but was told there were none left. He found out—I’m not sure how, but he says he has reason to believe this is accurate—there were plenty of available booths, but they were being unofficially held for members of a local clique. My brother-in-law vowed to boycott the farmers market since it was a “popularity contest” and said it felt like high school all over again. I agreed that what happened wasn’t fair but never promised to join his boycott. My family and I enjoy the market. It’s a fun thing to do with the kids, and we like supporting local farmers. This weekend, my brother-in-law and his family came over to visit, and he asked if the pumpkins on our porch were from the market. I said yes without thinking. He got upset and confided in my husband that he felt “betrayed” and that we weren’t “supportive” of him. My husband doesn’t want to get in the middle of this and said I should have lied about the pumpkins. I don’t think lying is a good policy, and besides, our kids were right there and would have blurted out the truth.

My brother-in-law is a good-hearted man with a strong sense of right and wrong and is very vocal about the importance of fairness and standing up for the underdog. He’s also very sensitive and has a history of taking things personally. Our kids are close in age and get along well, and I want to preserve the relationship between our families. How do I smooth this over?

—Farmers Market Feud

Re: You really have a husband problem vs. your BIL's issues.

  • You need to talk with your H regarding why he isn't backing you up and why he thinks it's a great idea to lie in front of your kids.

    I guess how I'd handle the rest would really lie in the facts of the matter.  I'd feel queasy about supporting an organization if I felt that they were cliquey.   You should still be able to buy from the farmers directly and just not on the farmers market day if it's that important to support the farmers.    I'm reading a bit of this as, "I took a different approach from my BIL and you didn't ask your H about  how he felt about it." 
    ei34
  • I agree, this isn't for the LW to smooth over.  She should be adamant with her H that she won't lie, especially about something unreasonable the BIL wants them to do.

    He can have his cause, that's fine.  But he can't force it on other people and then get mad if they don't want to join in.  Plus, he is only conjecturing why he didn't get a booth.  Seems more like sour grapes then real proof, since he didn't even say how "he found out".  He seems like the kind of guy who would have talked ad nauseum about the "proof", if it was much of anything.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    mrsconn23charlotte989875ei34
  • I agree, this isn't for the LW to smooth over.  She should be adamant with her H that she won't lie, especially about something unreasonable the BIL wants them to do.

    He can have his cause, that's fine.  But he can't force it on other people and then get mad if they don't want to join in.  Plus, he is only conjecturing why he didn't get a booth.  Seems more like sour grapes then real proof, since he didn't even say how "he found out".  He seems like the kind of guy who would have talked ad nauseum about the "proof", if it was much of anything.
    Right.  My point is more that she needs to talk to her H and does she really think he has a battle here or is he all about right and wrong because he constantly sees wrong?

    Maybe her H's answer of "lie next time" is because BIL is always finding problems and this is avoiding them. 
  • kerbohl said:
    This guy comes over, sees their pumpkins, and immediately asks them if they got them at the market that he is boycotting?  He was looking for a fight.  
    This!

    Maybe this comes in normal conversation (hey did you take the kids to a pumpkin patch?) but straight asking if they’re from the farmers market is looking to be offended. 
    banana468mrsconn23
  • kerbohl said:
    This guy comes over, sees their pumpkins, and immediately asks them if they got them at the market that he is boycotting?  He was looking for a fight.  
    I didn't even think of it until you said it but DUH!   It's October and there are pumpkins everywhere.   If that's the first question this guy had then he was cruising for a fight.

    Which now makes me think that it's far more that the husband is saying, "Can you lie to my brother because he's shit stirring and I don' want the argument."  

    And I can't completely blame the thought process if it's more of the concept that he picks on every little thing.  So it's still an issue within the marriage but I have more sympathy for the H in this.  He's asking what harm it causes and the reality may be that the answer is, "Dude, unless you're my accountant I'm not showing you the receipts for my purchases." 
    charlotte989875mrsconn23ei34
  • banana468 said:
    kerbohl said:
    This guy comes over, sees their pumpkins, and immediately asks them if they got them at the market that he is boycotting?  He was looking for a fight.  
    I didn't even think of it until you said it but DUH!   It's October and there are pumpkins everywhere.   If that's the first question this guy had then he was cruising for a fight.

    Which now makes me think that it's far more that the husband is saying, "Can you lie to my brother because he's shit stirring and I don' want the argument."  

    And I can't completely blame the thought process if it's more of the concept that he picks on every little thing.  So it's still an issue within the marriage but I have more sympathy for the H in this.  He's asking what harm it causes and the reality may be that the answer is, "Dude, unless you're my accountant I'm not showing you the receipts for my purchases." 
    Yeah, I didn't think of that either.  Unless it's a one-horse town and the only place to get a pumpkin is the farmer's market, then BIL was looking to fight.  

    It does put the husband's comments in a different light. Maybe the H needs to communicate better when he's not jumping on his brother's bandwagon.  However, I'm also fully versed in ignoring dumb shit from family in order to just have an enjoyable time.  LOL 
    banana468
  • mrsconn23 said:
    banana468 said:
    kerbohl said:
    This guy comes over, sees their pumpkins, and immediately asks them if they got them at the market that he is boycotting?  He was looking for a fight.  
    I didn't even think of it until you said it but DUH!   It's October and there are pumpkins everywhere.   If that's the first question this guy had then he was cruising for a fight.

    Which now makes me think that it's far more that the husband is saying, "Can you lie to my brother because he's shit stirring and I don' want the argument."  

    And I can't completely blame the thought process if it's more of the concept that he picks on every little thing.  So it's still an issue within the marriage but I have more sympathy for the H in this.  He's asking what harm it causes and the reality may be that the answer is, "Dude, unless you're my accountant I'm not showing you the receipts for my purchases." 
    Yeah, I didn't think of that either.  Unless it's a one-horse town and the only place to get a pumpkin is the farmer's market, then BIL was looking to fight.  

    It does put the husband's comments in a different light. Maybe the H needs to communicate better when he's not jumping on his brother's bandwagon.  However, I'm also fully versed in ignoring dumb shit from family in order to just have an enjoyable time.  LOL 
    And now you can get pumpkins in our grocery store.   We had 2 actually from Costco and 3 from the farm.  
    mrsconn23
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