Wedding Woes

This week's "maybe therapy?" letter

Dear Prudence,

I’m a 23-year-old woman. My senior year of high school, I became friends with a girl I had a crush on. I told her the next spring that I had feelings for her, and she said she didn’t feel the same way. I was insecure and confused not only about our relationship but my sexual orientation. I wrote a radio play about that experience during my last year of college and called it an “unrequited love story.” It was largely composed of real emails and messages we sent each other throughout college, so I had to tell her about it before it was produced. At that point, she told me that she had indeed had feelings for me, but hadn’t been able to admit it at the time, for a variety of reasons. We had planned to talk more about everything when my sister died unexpectedly. My friend helped me cope with the loss, but she’s been distant lately, ever since I saw her briefly in September. I’m confused about where we left things before my sister died, and I also miss her support, as I’m still grieving. I really don’t want to bring up the play again, partly because I want her to be the one to do it. The fact that she hasn’t makes me think she just doesn’t care enough or that the perceived (albeit different) tension between us again is just on my end. How do I get our friendship back if we never sort this out? How do I move on?

—Former Friend, Former Muse

Re: This week's "maybe therapy?" letter

  • I don't think it's that she didn't care. I think that's pretty far from the truth. It sounds like she's grappling with her own sexuality and feelings about her attraction to LW in high school. Maybe she was attracted to then, but isn't now. Or maybe it has nothing to do with that and she just hasn't had a lot of experience comforting a grieving friend and doesn't know how to act. 

    It sounds like LW is no stranger to having difficult conversations, so it's time for another one. 
  • She may also not want to bring this up while you’re grieving. I think the ball is in  your court to bring it back up. She is probably working through her feelings just as much as you are so be prepared for there not to be a straight or clear answer. 
  • While I think therapy is important, LW, you also deserve better love.  It's okay to think fondly of the one that might've been and leave it as might've been and in the past. 

    For this particular situation, I feel like if the friend is putting distance again, friend has unresolved issues for friend and friend needs to work on that themselves.  For my general outlook and maybe age, I'm not interested in pursuing relationships that are unwanted by the other person or difficult to get through/manage.
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