Talk to your wife and then follow her lead.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My wife’s mother tends to throw little jabs at my wife whenever we’re around her. Either my wife is taking COVID too seriously, or she “must” do this or that around the house, or she “needs” this or that. She always has an opinion. She’s not usually hurtful, but she’s almost always nagging her. We have a baby due in January, and I imagine this will only get worse once the baby comes. Should I be more vocal in defending my wife when my mother-in-law makes these comments or should I stay out of their relationship?

—Mother-in-Law Mayhem

banana468

Talk to your wife and ask how she'd like you to respond.

As someone with a MIL who means well but is the human equivalent of "filter-less cigarette" the approach I take is to defend DH when he's not in earshot and he can say what he wants to when he's present. 

charlotte989875

Ask your wife how she feels. 

It’s her mother maybe she has dealt with it and ignores it. Maybe it really bothers her but prefers to deal in her own. Don’t respond without talking with your wife first. 

MyNameIsNot

Talk to your wife, but don't tell her what to do. The only thing worse than an overbearing family member is an overbearing savior spouse. If your wife is not shutting it down, chances are there's a reason for it. If she doesn't want you to get involved, respect that.  

mrsconn23

As someone with a FIL that has no filter and is also an angry asshole a lot that has no qualms about talking shit about anyone and criticizing my H to his face, I understand LW's desire to tell MIL where to stick it.  However since LW doesn't mention how their wife handles it or feels about her mother's comments, I think LW needs to tell their wife first how it makes them feel and their concern for her.  And then ASK their wife what's OK for LW to do/say and then do that. 

Personally, I say very little to FIL, remove myself if it's too much for me, and have intense vent sessions with DH.  But I let him handle his dad. Oh and my therapist knows ALL about FIL.  LOL