Classic Prudie: Why you don't put yourself or others on pedestals.

mrsconn23

I was raised as part of a large, tight-knit extended family with traditional values. About 30 years ago, as a young teenager, I violated the rules of abstinence and chastity I had been raised with and became pregnant. Abortion was not a consideration and my mother insisted that the child be placed for adoption. She was doing what she thought best. Although I have a wound in my heart for the child given away, my life has been in many ways blessed and beautiful. My husband knows my secret past and understands what happened to me. Now my youngest child is the same age I was when I had that first pregnancy. I have raised my sons and daughters with very strict traditional values and oversight. They have made me proud in living up to and exceeding all of my expectations. Recently, while I was shopping, a stranger stopped me and told me she knew of someone who so strongly resembled me it could be my adult child. Maybe it’s a coincidence, but the mere possibility that my child could be close by floored me. Part of me has always hoped for a reunion with that lost baby, and the other part of me has always feared that my children would think of me as a hypocrite and hate me if they were to find out. I truly do not know what to do if that child tries to find me. I want them to understand I raised them as strictly as I did because I love them and want to spare them the pain I experienced. Should I continue to keep this secret from my children?

banana468

You should be honest with your kids because you are humans and humans should never pretend to be perfect.  

short+sassy

That is eerie!  It was probably hard to know what to do in the moment, but it's too bad the LW wasn't in place yet where she could have given the person her contact info to pass along, jic.  Now she will never know.

I think the LW should tell their children.  With DNA kits being so common now, it's possible it could come out someday through that.  But, more importantly, I think it will set the LW free to no longer have this secret.  I also think it will give her kids a better understanding of their mother and how she has become the person she is today.

I know how it is, in a general sense.  My mom is my mom and an authority figure.  It's hard for me to "picture" her as a normal human being with faults and attributes, just like everybody else, lol.  

I've sometimes wondered if I could twist timelines to make myself in my early 20s again.  And go back to 1970 when my mom was that same age and pre-kids, would we like each other?  Would we be friends and have fun hanging out?

levioosa

The cognitive dissonance in this letter though. 

ILoveBeachMusic

short+sassy said:

That is eerie!  It was probably hard to know what to do in the moment, but it's too bad the LW wasn't in place yet where she could have given the person her contact info to pass along, jic.  Now she will never know.

I think the LW should tell their children.  With DNA kits being so common now, it's possible it could come out someday through that.  But, more importantly, I think it will set the LW free to no longer have this secret.  I also think it will give her kids a better understanding of their mother and how she has become the person she is today.

I know how it is, in a general sense.  My mom is my mom and an authority figure.  It's hard for me to "picture" her as a normal human being with faults and attributes, just like everybody else, lol.  

I've sometimes wondered if I could twist timelines to make myself in my early 20s again.  And go back to 1970 when my mom was that same age and pre-kids, would we like each other?  Would we be friends and have fun hanging out?

I agree, LW should tell their children but don't agree they should've given contact info to a perfect stranger. LW doesn't know if the adult child wants to find them or not. Just because they look like someone doesn't mean they are related. Definitely the children need to know in case the adult child does search for their mother and finds a DNA match.

STARMOON44

This is such a missed opportunity to have taught your children compassion and forgiveness while also still teaching them that you really hope they won’t have sex as teenagers because you did and it didn’t go well and was very hard. 

short+sassy

ILoveBeachMusic said:

short+sassy said:

That is eerie!  It was probably hard to know what to do in the moment, but it's too bad the LW wasn't in place yet where she could have given the person her contact info to pass along, jic.  Now she will never know.

I think the LW should tell their children.  With DNA kits being so common now, it's possible it could come out someday through that.  But, more importantly, I think it will set the LW free to no longer have this secret.  I also think it will give her kids a better understanding of their mother and how she has become the person she is today.

I know how it is, in a general sense.  My mom is my mom and an authority figure.  It's hard for me to "picture" her as a normal human being with faults and attributes, just like everybody else, lol.  

I've sometimes wondered if I could twist timelines to make myself in my early 20s again.  And go back to 1970 when my mom was that same age and pre-kids, would we like each other?  Would we be friends and have fun hanging out?

I agree, LW should tell their children but don't agree they should've given contact info to a perfect stranger. LW doesn't know if the adult child wants to find them or not. Just because they look like someone doesn't mean they are related. Definitely the children need to know in case the adult child does search for their mother and finds a DNA match.

I say that because it happened to my H.  He and his three brothers were all adopted out when their mother left their father.

When he was teenager/early 20s and still living in Oregon, he had a couple instances of strangers coming up to hug him and would greet him by a different name.  He vaguely wondered if they were mistaking him for one of his brothers, but was too young and sulky to care about it.

But he regrets that now.  And wonders if those people did know one of his brothers.

One brother found him years ago and gave him their bio mom and dad's name.  My H has been in touch with his bio-mom also.  His bio-dad was already deceased.

For a little more insight, my H was the youngest.  He was only 2 when he became a ward of the state.  He was adopted when he was 4.  But the brother who found him was 7 when they were adopted out.  He didn't need to look for his bio-parents name.  He was old enough to know their names.  Heartbreakingly, that brother was also old enough to remember the feelings he had when his mother abandoned him.  He never forgave her and never contacted her.

Both my H and that brother have looked for the other two brothers, but have not had any success with that.