Dear Prudence,
I moved in with my partner “Cory” and their other partner “Amy” in March. Amy has a lot of anxiety that’s been made worse by the pandemic (understandable). That anxiety manifests as a very volatile mood that from one hour to the next can go from upbeat and chipper to a giant dark cloud that sucks the energy from the whole house. She storms around, snaps at Cory when they try to talk to her, and complains bitterly and sarcastically to us about how stressful and unfair her life is. It’s really hard to watch her treat Cory so poorly, and it’s hard to keep my own even keel when the dynamic in the house is so unstable. The world is hard for all of us right now, yet in the years I’ve been with Cory I can’t recall Amy ever even asking me how my day was. I’m finding it hard to continue being sympathetic with someone who shows little to no interest in how the rest of us are doing. Cory agrees that the situation is not healthy for anyone involved.
When we’ve talked as a group about Amy’s stress and anxiety, she usually claims things will be better after she clears some upcoming hurdle in the career transition she is making. However, each time she clears one of these hurdles, something new causes her anxiety, and the situation continues. Cory and I pay for all of the household expenses, do most of the domestic labor, and support her in making whatever decisions will make her life and career what she wants them to be. But I do not think she has a realistic idea of what will make her happy, nor the ability to cope with unhappiness without taking it out on everyone around her. She is in therapy, but this pattern has not changed. Is there anything I or we can do to make the dynamic at home more stable?