Skip Christmas and the guilt, but maybe you have some stuff to work out?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I hate Christmas. I hate the lights, the food, the decor, the consumerism, the music, the giant get-togethers, the gifts, the kids, the chaos, the crowds, the constant running around, and the clutter. The gatherings get bigger and louder every year. Last year, there were over 40 people at each dinner. I’m in my 30s and I find all of the noise and crowds associated with Christmas to be overwhelming. I’m also a vegetarian and have been for almost 15 years—the only vegetarian food at our Christmas get-togethers is the food I bring. Christmas has always been a particularly difficult time for me. I don’t know why. All the cheer makes me feel so lonely and exhausted.

I’m also very particular about the things I buy. I don’t buy much, but when I do, it’s something I really want and need. My family knows this, but every year they buy me so much. I don’t want to sound whiny, and I act grateful, but then I end up giving most of it to Goodwill. I’ve asked them not to buy me things, and I’ve stopped participating in white elephant exchanges, but they don’t get the hint. This year I suggested we do a no-gifts-Christmas because of COVID, and no one even responded to the idea.

I don’t want to rock the boat any more this year, but I am thinking about skipping Christmas starting next year. I want to tell them that I will buy no gifts, receive no gifts, and won’t attend Christmas parties. Instead, I’d like to do small, quiet, meaningful gatherings at a nice restaurant or even at home, preferably in November or January. Growing up, my family had extremely limited means. My parents also placed my sister and I in a lot of unsafe situations (abuse, drugs, abandonment), and I feel like they buy so much now to try to make up for it. But it doesn’t make me feel good to receive these gifts. I feel guilty. Neither of my parents have saved a dime for retirement, and they both work very demanding jobs. I don’t want them to spend their hard-earned money on gifts that I don’t want. (I also make more money than both of them.) Can I skip Christmas? Does it make me a selfish, terrible person?

—Guilty Grinch

MissKittyDanger

The parents feel guilt, but even though you're invited does not mean you have to go.

Seek therapy, but also decline Christmas gatherings. "Let's just get together in January - Christmas is overwhelming"

banana468

It sounds like both sides have their issues. 

Mom and Dad may be showering with gifts out of guilt but if there's no nest egg for when they stop working it's going to be terrible. 

LW also needs to work through a lot of this too.  Help the family that uses bacon fat in the pasta primavera the other ways it can be a delicious vegetarian dish.  And rather than propose no gifts, what about Secret Santa where one person picks one person to buy for?  And what about engaging in this dialogue long before people are preparing? 

STARMOON44

Sounds like next year is a great time for your new tradition of traveling along on Christmas. Enjoy it!

Casadena

I'd probably start skipping this year because you've got a built-in excuse.....COVID anyone?  See how you feel.  If it's preferable to you, continue to not go.  I dont' think there's anything wrong with that.  

charlotte989875

Casadena said:

I'd probably start skipping this year because you've got a built-in excuse.....COVID anyone?  See how you feel.  If it's preferable to you, continue to not go.  I dont' think there's anything wrong with that.  

Exactly! Test it out and see how you feel. You may feel more lonely being alone, or maybe not!

You’re not obligated to participate in anything you don’t want to, but some of this seems, IDK, extreme? You hate the kids at Christmas? I get the chaos, noise, etc but this just seems odd. 

mrsconn23

charlotte989875 said:

Casadena said:

I'd probably start skipping this year because you've got a built-in excuse.....COVID anyone?  See how you feel.  If it's preferable to you, continue to not go.  I dont' think there's anything wrong with that.  

Exactly! Test it out and see how you feel. You may feel more lonely being alone, or maybe not!

You’re not obligated to participate in anything you don’t want to, but some of this seems, IDK, extreme? You hate the kids at Christmas? I get the chaos, noise, etc but this just seems odd. 

I agree.  I wonder how LW feels about (pre-COVID) crowded, loud spaces in general.  Are they agoraphobic/otherwise avoidant of crowds in general or this has to do with their unresolved feelings toward their family?

I remember growing up how much Christmas stressed my mom out, but as we got older and started having our own families, it became her favorite.  But I realize now it was because my dad's family dynamics were tough and they spent a lot of the day managing my drunk aunt and uncle's feelings so there wasn't a day-ruining outburst/fight. 

short+sassy

Casadena said:

I'd probably start skipping this year because you've got a built-in excuse.....COVID anyone?  See how you feel.  If it's preferable to you, continue to not go.  I dont' think there's anything wrong with that.  

I agree!  Do it this year!  Built-in excuse.

Not to mention...for the millionth time everyone in the world has heard it...no large gatherings.  No mixing of "bubbles", unless maybe it is outside and socially distanced.  If the LW's family is planning to have their usual giant shin-dig of 40+ people at multiple dinners, then Nnnnoooooo!  Way too dangerous this year. 

short+sassy

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

I hate Christmas. I hate the lights, the food, the decor, the consumerism, the music, the giant get-togethers, the gifts, the kids, the chaos, the crowds, the constant running around, and the clutter. The gatherings get bigger and louder every year. Last year, there were over 40 people at each dinner. I’m in my 30s and I find all of the noise and crowds associated with Christmas to be overwhelming. I’m also a vegetarian and have been for almost 15 years—the only vegetarian food at our Christmas get-togethers is the food I bring. Christmas has always been a particularly difficult time for me. I don’t know why. All the cheer makes me feel so lonely and exhausted.

—Guilty Grinch

Melania?  Is that you?

ei34

Bah humbug. Kidding.  Just skip it.  This year you have the perfect excuse, and the solo travel idea for future years is nice.  Or, just hang at home.  

I would attempt a CTJ “start saving for retirement” talk with my parents, but outside of Christmas.

kerbohl

I sort of feel in some ways what the LW is saying.  Getting together with family - oh, I'm all about that, that's great.  Not this year, but other years, yes please!  It's the gifts and the obligations.  Hubby's side of the family buys so much, more than we or they can afford, and I just don't want any of it.  I didn't grow up wealthy, and Christmas was not really about getting a lot, even as kids.  I've never been comfortable with it, and at this point I know he isn't either.  I'm actually going to draft an email recommending that we skip getting together this year for Christmas.  If we aren't getting together for a meal, and we don't feel comfortable beign together indoors at all, why even do it?  I don't know, I think families have to learn to respect that different members celebrate the season in a different way, and why would it be so hard to respect their wishes?  

MesmrEwe

They should be doing that starting this year with the airtight excuse of covid to have their ideal Christmas away from people!  

Grinch - this person sounds more like Oscar the Grouch to have around at the holidays - at least the Grinch came around...  

isabellaronnalds

I agree with you. It is very difficult to feel comfortable when you are not understood at the table.I think it would be better for you if you skip Christmas and draw conclusions for yourself.