Keep the weed, ditch the husband.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been with my husband for nearly 30 years. I began therapy after the Brett Kavanaugh hearings because I didn’t understand why I couldn’t stop crying. Turns out my “unpleasant” college experience was actually sexual assault. In therapy, I started to unpack my life, and after about a year I came to the disturbing conclusion that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. That was almost a year ago. My husband, very much to his credit, has stepped up, taken responsibility, and changed his behavior. We are in therapy together, and it has been very productive. The hurtful behaviors have greatly diminished in frequency and severity. They aren’t all gone, but progress is ongoing. Not so long ago, I felt sure we were headed toward a divorce. Now I feel reasonably confident that we will, as a couple, get through this and be better off. I also see my own therapist as well.

My question is about cannabis. I love to get high. My husband, not so much. He usually doesn’t mind if I do, but there’s been many times in the (not so distant) past that he hasn’t been so nice about it. He has strong opinions about how much is too much and would be upset if he knew I got high most days. I’m through with letting his opinion and temper dictate what I do. Sometimes I’ll let him know I’m going to smoke a bowl. Sometimes he’ll partake with me. But often he has no idea when I’m high. Vape pens are very discreet, and he’ll never know if I’m buzzed while watching a movie at night. Since COVID, my intake has increased, because it helps with anxiety and stress. And, to be honest, why the hell wouldn’t I want to be high when I’m stuck at home after work with nothing to do (he’s a total workaholic)? I’m not even a little concerned about my consumption from a medical, psychological, or financial perspective. I also don’t think he has to know everything. I wouldn’t care if he did it in front of me, so I wouldn’t care if he kept it from me. I should mention that this is legal in my state, I have a medical marijuana card, and my prescribing doctor has told me the amount I consume is extremely reasonable.

—Covert Consumer

STARMOON44

Just get a divorce. You’ve been in an abusive marriage for years, you claim it’s better, but you’re getting high every day to cope with you life. 

Casadena

I think it's a problem if you're hiding this from your H but claim to have no concerns about your level of consumption.  That doesn't vibe to me.  Overall agree with Starmoon - get rid of the abusive H.  That's not going to change no matter how often you're high. 

banana468

Something isn't working here.  If you can't be honest with your spouse about this it's an issue.  

missJeanLouise

I guess I am missing the question/ problem? My husband quit drinking, I love to have a beer at lunch or a couple cocktails in the evening. He would probably side eye this if he was aware. I don't hide it but I don't always do in front of him out of consideration of his recovery. I also don't feel I need to tell him every time I have had a drink because I, also, am "not even a little concerned about my consumption from a medical, psychological, or financial perspective." If your marriage is on a good path, and this isn't causing issues then don't make it one.

MissKittyDanger

Keep the weed. Ditch the douche.

Severity and frequency means there is still abuse.

charlotte989875

I’m guessing he knows how much you’re doing because he’s upset by it, regardless of how discreet you are and how you think he can’t tell if you’re high. 

It’s hard to know how much is too much and if what LW is doing is too much. But I’m curious what the counselor would say about increasing your usage so much even as you’re working on things. 

However it might also be possible that the H is using this to attempt to control the LWs behavior in new ways. 

short+sassy

missJeanLouise said:

I guess I am missing the question/ problem? My husband quit drinking, I love to have a beer at lunch or a couple cocktails in the evening. He would probably side eye this if he was aware. I don't hide it but I don't always do in front of him out of consideration of his recovery. I also don't feel I need to tell him every time I have had a drink because I, also, am "not even a little concerned about my consumption from a medical, psychological, or financial perspective." If your marriage is on a good path, and this isn't causing issues then don't make it one.

I'm also not on the "ditch the H" side.  With the one caveat that, if he becomes disparaging about it again, he needs to cut it out and perhaps they can bring the issue up in marriage counseling.  The biggest key she could bring to that discussion is that it has already been brought up to her doctor and that person is fine with the levels.

For some of my own backstory and understanding into this issue, I'm going to use my H as an example.  He uses pot a lot and also smokes a few cigarettes a day.  All of this is done outside, on a side area of our house.  It's one of his favorite places to hang out and chill, even if he isn't smoking anything.  I can't tell when he is high or not.  I don't know when or how much he smokes.  He doesn't need to "announce it" to me.  Same with alcohol.  He isn't much of a drinker.  I'm a moderate drinker.  Sometimes I'll talk about a cocktail I'm about to make.  Or if I'm about to go open a new bottle of wine I've been wanting to try.  But that is more for chit-chat, then seeking his "approval".  But he's also never expressed an opinion that I drink too much (and I don't).

I almost never partake in pot.  Maybe 1-2x/year.  I know I'm weird, especially for pretty much a non-user, but it usually has no effect on me at all even if I do a good bit in one sitting.  So I just don't bother.

His level of use did bother me to an extent for years.  But I generally didn't mention it.  We had discussions about it (but not fights).  It finally clicked for me one day when he told me that he uses it so frequently because it calms his mind and decreases his anxiety.  I was really surprised to learn that he normally had a constant, albeit low, level of anxiety.  He'd always seemed like an easygoing and happy guy.  We talked about that also and he reassured me that he is usually easygoing and happy.  And the pot helps to keep a lot of the random, out-of-left field negative thoughts at bay.

I especially wanted to mention that about the anxiety because, to me, I didn't necessarily translate the LW's anxiety level being tied to her marriage.  Though it could be, at least in part.   

MissKittyDanger

charlotte989875 said:

I’m guessing he knows how much you’re doing because he’s upset by it, regardless of how discreet you are and how you think he can’t tell if you’re high. 

It’s hard to know how much is too much and if what LW is doing is too much. But I’m curious what the counselor would say about increasing your usage so much even as you’re working on things. 

However it might also be possible that the H is using this to attempt to control the LWs behavior in new ways. 

THIS!

LW even says that the severity and frequency has diminished BUT THAT MEANS IT'S STILL HAPPENING

VarunaTT

As far as the cannabis use, a vape pen is a pretty small hit, just a few times.  It's probably enough to just smooth the anxiety; it's not "high" like we tend to think of from stoner movies.  Though I haven't any the past week, the first few weeks after the breakup, I was eating a 1/4 gummy/day to just relax and be able to sleep.

I don't necessarily think she has to tell him either.  I don't like that she's effectively hiding it from him to avoid an argument or some other type of difficult conversation that she feels like she wouldn't be happy about.  I think they should discuss that in therapy, b/c that is surely part of a pattern.

MissKittyDanger

VarunaTT said:

As far as the cannabis use, a vape pen is a pretty small hit, just a few times.  It's probably enough to just smooth the anxiety; it's not "high" like we tend to think of from stoner movies.  Though I haven't any the past week, the first few weeks after the breakup, I was eating a 1/4 gummy/day to just relax and be able to sleep.

I don't necessarily think she has to tell him either.  I don't like that she's effectively hiding it from him to avoid an argument or some other type of difficult conversation that she feels like she wouldn't be happy about.  I think they should discuss that in therapy, b/c that is surely part of a pattern.

SO FUN FACT ABOUT VAPE PENS

Sometime they leak and you don't realize you have some on your skin and it absorbs so you get more than anticipated.

Which leads to a panic attack.

And that's part of the story why paramedics were at my house in May for M {he thought it was heart attack}

Personally I find edibles I find are better when it comes to anxiety because they have more 1:1 cbd/thc

MesmrEwe

Fun Fact: LW - your husband knows if/when you're high...

Something in the setup isn't working whether it's a "30 year itch", the lying on her part about how frequently and why she's getting high (escapism), if you want out LW, get out, don't battle it out, be secure in your moving on, wish each other a life of abundance and move on...