Wedding Woes

Tell them it's 'minor', that you're going to be fine, and don't need help.

Dear Prudence,

I’m transgender, and I’m having a gender-confirming surgery right before Christmas. I’m out to my mom, who’s wonderfully supportive, and brother, who’s wildly bewildered. Everyone else either doesn’t know or is unsupportive. My mom and I decided to say I was having a totally different surgery as the reason why I won’t be at family holiday events (COVID and other refusals don’t budge them from asking). The problem is that the extended family are now panicked about this made-up surgery and want to be involved, and I feel bad lying to my brother. He’s the one other person who might be on my side in a meaningful way. How can I push away the extended family without digging a deeper hole or giving them the real story? How can I bring my brother closer, without overwhelming him?

—Going Further in the Closet

Re: Tell them it's 'minor', that you're going to be fine, and don't need help.

  • Agreed with title.
    State it's minor surgery, you're good with everything and don't need help
  • It sounds like a butt-insky type of family (eyeroll).  But, despite that, I would just keep rinsing and repeating the same line.  Something like, "I appreciate your concern.  But I'm totally fine.  It's a NBD surgery and I'll be able to take care of myself right after.  I don't need any help.  In addition, it's imperative I quarantine before and after for at least two weeks."

    It makes me sad the LW feels they needed to lie to family, especially their brother, about what the surgery is going to be.  I think it makes more sense to come clean now and stop all this subterfuge, since I assume it's going to come out in the relatively near future anyway.  But that's the LW's decision, not mine. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    mrsconn23charlotte989875
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