Dear Prudence,
My brother Tom’s wife, Laura, cheated on him and left him for a mutual friend. He’s been a wreck for the last four months. Last week, my husband, Al, who’s close with Tom, came to me to say that Tom had been discussing increasingly violent fantasies about hurting Laura in a group chat they’re both in with other male relatives. Al admits (and is ashamed that) he tried to laugh them off (“I should pay some guys to show Laura a bad time” or “I want to roast her over a fire!”) as jokes at first. But when it became obvious Tom wouldn’t stop, he told him that he needed help and that he wasn’t welcome around our daughters until he had gotten it. Privately, the other guys thanked Al for saying something, but they otherwise want to “stay out of it.” I’m no fan of Laura’s, but I also don’t think being cheated on gives you carte blanche to say anything. Some of Tom’s texts turned my stomach, and I agree with Al: I don’t want to be around him until he’s gotten help. Tom and Laura, who didn’t have kids, were really close with our three daughters. Tom was supposed to spend Christmas with us. He’s humiliated that I’ve seen the texts and pretty upset he might not get to see his nieces soon. He also thinks this is another way the universe is punishing him. I want to support my brother, but right now I feel like supporting him condones his behavior. Are Al and I overreacting by keeping Tom away from our daughters? I don’t think he’d ever hurt them, but what he has said about Laura makes me ill.
—Antisocially Distanced