Wedding Woes

Beside the point, but how does your mom know how to reach your boss?

Dear Prudence,

I’m bisexual and genderqueer, and I live with my long-term partner, also genderqueer. I have a very uncomfortable relationship with my mother due to her alcoholism and drug abuse and the fact that she stole my identity to open credit cards before I turned 18. She also waged a hate-mail campaign against me when I came out and brought a lot of abusive men into my life growing up. I now live in another country and limit our contact to phone calls on birthdays and holidays. She recently moved, and during one of our holiday calls, mentioned that she’d found a box full of letters, poems, and pictures from my first high-school boyfriend.

This boyfriend was verbally and physically abusive. He raped me, threatened to commit suicide to keep me from breaking up with him, and forbade me to come out as bisexual. I have told my mother this before. Because he was the only straight, cis man I ever dated, she idealizes him. She announced a plan to set up a place in her office where she would display these items, which made me feel sick to my stomach. I told my mother to burn them and reiterated how violent he had been. She started shrieking, “You’re LYING, he LOVED YOU” over and over again.

My mother refuses to acknowledge my current partner. She has done the same with every other woman and queer person I have dated. But I had no idea she was obsessed enough with my first (and last) boyfriend to build a shrine. I consider this the last straw and now wish to cut off all contact. I know that if I do, it will trigger a campaign similar to the one I received when I first came out, where I can expect hate mail and endless harassment, and so can my boss and my friends. Do you have any advice for beginning the process of estrangement in a way that is safe and preserves my well-being, as well of that of anyone my mother might target? The upside of COVID is that with the border closed to American travelers, she cannot show up in person to threaten me, but how do I handle the rest?

—A Shrine Too Far

Re: Beside the point, but how does your mom know how to reach your boss?

  • If mom knows where LW works it's probably not hard to figure out who her boss is.  The rest of this is way out of my league though, I have no advice. 
    mrsconn23charlotte989875
  • LW should find a quality therapist and possibly a lawyer in addition to cutting off all contact. 

    Depending on their relationship with their boss LW may benefit from a quick conference, "I need to advise you that I do not intend to bring my personal life to work and should you be contacted by anyone claiming a relationship to me that I ask you to ignore it."
    Casadenamrsconn23charlotte989875
  • Casadena said:
    If mom knows where LW works it's probably not hard to figure out who her boss is.  
    Yeah, I guess it depends on the size of the company too.  Besides DH, I don't think anyone knows my boss' name. There's over 1000 people who work in my office. If someone really wanted to fuck with me via my career, they'd have to put some effort in. 

    Well, now I think about it....I am FB friends with a lot of my management.  So there is that avenue.  Anyway, still got nothing for the rest of it. 
    charlotte989875
  • Might be time to cut the toxicity.
    And heads up to your work about disregarding anything from your mother.
    mrsconn23
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Second talking to a lawyer. There might be room for some kind of protective order. 

    Warn coworkers and HR, go no contact. Hide as much as you can from her, block her everywhere. 
    mrsconn23MissKittyDangercharlotte989875short+sassy
  • banana468 said:

    Depending on their relationship with their boss LW may benefit from a quick conference, "I need to advise you that I do not intend to bring my personal life to work and should you be contacted by anyone claiming a relationship to me that I ask you to ignore it."
    My friend had to do this because her STBXH got squirrely and threatened to contact her boss/HR with a bunch of shit (some lies and some stuff like she's smoked pot and they should drug test her). 
  • Yikes, why are you still in contact with her at all? She’s done serious damage and will likely continue to do the same. I’d calmly, directly inform people that she might contact (work, close friends, partners) and say that you’re not in touch but she may contact them, they should ignore her and report if she’s harassing them. 
    short+sassy
  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 8
    Cut off contact once and for all and talk to a lawyer immediately to see if you have any options for a restraining/protective order. Warn anyone your mother may reach out to about what's going on and tell them to ignore her and report her if necessary. 


    image
  • Cut her off, but take procautions.  Lawyers, informing HR, the whole nine yards if need be.  This woman is idealizing a man that raped and abused her daughter.  That is all kinds of messed up.

    short+sassy
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