Wedding Woes

Um it's called dating and getting to know someone?

Dear Prudence,

I’m recently separated from my wife, and we’re now in the process of mediation and divorce. It’s amicable. We’re still finding our co-parenting routine, but there’s no animosity on either side, even though things have been over emotionally for some time. I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past year, both in terms of how I contributed to our marital issues and about what I ultimately want in a relationship. I’ve been seeing a therapist for some time and have seen significant improvements. I feel like I’m ready to put myself back out there. I know that building a long-lasting relationship will take time, particularly in the current environment, and I’m certainly willing to put in the work to find what I want. My concern is that potential partners will think I’m looking for a rebound or to get over my divorce, which is not the case. How do you suggest I explain to someone I’m interested in that I’m honestly looking to find the right partner rather than a fling?

—It’s Been Over for Years

Re: Um it's called dating and getting to know someone?

  • If you truly feel like you’ve done the work and are ready move on, that will come out when you meet someone new. It can be scary, but put yourself out there and talk to people. You’ll find your groove. 
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Ummm, I started dating 6 months after my divorce.  @STARMOON44’s advise is very good.  

  • Most people put in their online dating ad what they are looking for, ie a relationship or casual, etc.  So start with that and, at least for the first few dates with someone new, it's a good assumption you all are at least on the same general page.

    Yes, some people won't be interested in someone recently separated.  NBD.  They'll weed the LW out before much communication even happens.

    I think the letter is more just coming out of fear.  Granted, I've never been separated or divorced, but I have gone back into the dating world after a long relationships.  I don't see it as being that different then the usual cautions about letting relationships naturally develop and don't try to rush things.

    Back in my single days, I drove a few men off right away because they were immediately pushing for an exclusive relationship when we had only gone out once and that's just too much, too fast (for me).  One of them was the only person I ever went out with who was separated.  I think he'd been separated for about 6 months.  I know it was a decent chunk of time because I was already trepidatious about getting involved with anyone who was separated.

    We had one date; however, when I didn't want to be exclusive after that, he didn't want to continue the romantic relationship.  But we did stay online friends and chatted occasionally.  He ended up getting back together with his wife a few months later.  I was happy for him.  But did secretly find it hilarious that Mr. Exclusive was apparently not as "over" his marriage as he had led me to believe.  Just glad I dodged that bullet and, after that, "separated" became a deal breaker for me.
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