Are you protecting yourself or feel obligated to protect Jon?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

Eight years ago, I was in a secret relationship with my first love, a man who emotionally abused me for the entirety of our three-year relationship. (This was my first gay relationship.) We were part of the same circle of friends, and “Jon” swore me to secrecy. No one knew, except for my best friend, whom I confided in. Jon’s abuse led me to contemplate suicide. I finally broke things off, moved away, went to therapy for years, and am now happily engaged. My fiancé just got transferred back to Jon’s city. My old group of friends is thrilled that I’m moving back, but I feel sick. Jon and I went no-contact a few years ago, and I don’t know if he knows about my return. I’m dreading having to navigate hanging out with my old friends if Jon is there. Asking them not to invite him would mean revealing our old relationship. I definitely want to make new friends, and I’m not putting all my eggs in this friend group’s basket, but I know this is something I’ll have to confront eventually. What should I do?

—Dreading Reentry

banana468

Why are you sworn to secrecy?  It doesn't seem to have any benefit to you and only to Jon. 

Tell the mutual friends, "Hey, I'll be back in town but want to let you know that before I left Jon and I had a falling out.  It's complicated and I don't want to discuss it and want to put it out there that I understand if he's included in activities but I won't be attending ones where he is." 

Casadena

I think your approach is right on Banana.  LW doesn't necessarily need to give all the info unless they want to - but I think it would be important to mention you no longer speak, there was a falling out, and you won't attend anything he is invited to but you'd love to see the rest of your friends.  

CharmedPam

Falling out is a perfect way to put it @banana468

short+sassy

I'm also curious about the being "sworn to secrecy".  Maybe Jon wasn't out yet?

"Falling out" is a great, general phrase to explain the LW's feelings and avoidance of Jon.  But it also sounds like years since they have been a part of this friend group, in person.  They might find they click better with new friend groups anyway.  For the old friend group, smaller gatherings they control might be better.  For example, going out to lunch or getting drinks/coffee with 1-2 people/couples at a time that they invite out.

downtondiva

banana468 said:

Why are you sworn to secrecy?  It doesn't seem to have any benefit to you and only to Jon. 

Tell the mutual friends, "Hey, I'll be back in town but want to let you know that before I left Jon and I had a falling out.  It's complicated and I don't want to discuss it and want to put it out there that I understand if he's included in activities but I won't be attending ones where he is." 

I think this is a great way to handle it. It lets people know LW doesn't want to be around Jon without really giving anything away. Obviously LW should remember that they're under no obligation to explain that "falling out" if people ask. 

Also, if LW can swing it, it may be best to see these friends individually or only a couple at a time so there's less chance of running into Jon or having to ask if he'll be at something.