Classic Prudie -- I would, but that is entirely your choice

short+sassy

A little after my wife and I reconciled from our separation, we discovered she was pregnant. Although we were having marital problems, we were going through marriage therapy and I genuinely wanted to give it another try. I was, of course, over the moon about becoming a father. Things were starting to look up, until I discovered an ultrasound scan report which showed my wife was further along in the pregnancy than she told me. After a bitter, heated argument she confessed she conceived the baby with someone else while we were separated. She said she thought she was acting for the best because she knew I would be happy about the pregnancy. (One of the many reasons why we initially separated was because I wanted to start a family and she didn’t.) To cut the long story short, I decided to get a divorce. Since I moved out, my wife has been spreading malicious rumors that I abandoned her and “our baby.” She’s been hospitalized due to complications in her pregnancy and I got a lot of hate mails/calls from her family and friends for not showing up. I don’t want to get caught up in a dirty fight so I have been ignoring these. But I’m getting increasingly angry that she is smearing my reputation through lies. Should I clear my name, even if it means airing our dirty laundry in public?

Casadena

I would absolutely "clear your name" and tell those close to you what actually happened.  This woman lied and manipulated you - I personally wouldn't worry to much about her feelings. 

banana468

I would absolutely say, "I understand that you would probably be upset based on the information you have.  If you have time, I would like to help clarify what is going on." 

Then the family can clearly understand that this isn't a guy abandoning his child.  He and his wife separated and while separated she conceived a child with someone else and then passed that child off as his while also not mentioning whether or not he could be potentially exposed to STDs by that new encounter.    And while you truly wanted a future with her the lies and lack of acknowledgement that she also put your health in question is why you are no longer together plus that child is not yours. 

MissKittyDanger

It's not dirty laundry if it's clearing your name.
Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself, and it won't always be well taken.

"I heard XYZ about you"
"You were misinformed. I can tell you the truth if you want to hear it"

MyNameIsNot

"I'm worried about her too, but at this time I think it's best to give her and the child's father the space they need." ... "Oh, you thought I was the father? I just assumed she'd told you the full story." 

But I'm passive aggressive AF. 

charlotte989875

You could also confront her with what she’s doing (when she’s out of the hospital) and tell her if she doesn’t correct what she’s said you’re going to set the record straight. 

banana468

MyNameIsNot said:

"I'm worried about her too, but at this time I think it's best to give her and the child's father the space they need." ... "Oh, you thought I was the father? I just assumed she'd told you the full story." 

But I'm passive aggressive AF. 

Winner winner!  

short+sassy

The LW doesn't owe his ex (or soon to be ex) anything.  She is the one misleading other people that he is the father, when he isn't.

However, he doesn't specify if he is trying to protect the ex or if he is the one that does not want to air dirty laundry.  It might be more that he doesn't want to talk about it with other people.

At the same time, they're divorcing anyway.  I assume there is no reason he needs to maintain any ties with her family or her friends (unless some are mutual).  Block'em all.  

MesmrEwe

Time to clear his name NOW - STAT because this sounds like the type of woman that would put his name down on the Birth Certificate even though it's this other guy's kid...  23 and me when the kid is born so he doesn't end up in court with her trying to get child support for a child that is, in fact, not his!  

And yes, he should message back a standard reply to all the emails and contacts that while he's happy for her to be welcoming the child, it is physically impossible for it to be his as they were separated at the time.  

short+sassy

MesmrEwe said:

Time to clear his name NOW - STAT because this sounds like the type of woman that would put his name down on the Birth Certificate even though it's this other guy's kid...  23 and me when the kid is born so he doesn't end up in court with her trying to get child support for a child that is, in fact, not his!  

And yes, he should message back a standard reply to all the emails and contacts that while he's happy for her to be welcoming the child, it is physically impossible for it to be his as they were separated at the time.  

The LW doesn't mention this.  And I certainly don't know all the intricate, state-specific legalities.  But he might also be trying to race that divorce before the baby is born.

I've heard that in a lot of states, children that occur during a marriage will automatically put responsibility on both parties, child support-wise.  Even if both parties disclose that the husband is not the bio-father of the child.  That it can be very difficult, if not impossible, to be released from that.

ILoveBeachMusic

short+sassy said:

MesmrEwe said:

Time to clear his name NOW - STAT because this sounds like the type of woman that would put his name down on the Birth Certificate even though it's this other guy's kid...  23 and me when the kid is born so he doesn't end up in court with her trying to get child support for a child that is, in fact, not his!  

And yes, he should message back a standard reply to all the emails and contacts that while he's happy for her to be welcoming the child, it is physically impossible for it to be his as they were separated at the time.  

The LW doesn't mention this.  And I certainly don't know all the intricate, state-specific legalities.  But he might also be trying to race that divorce before the baby is born.

I've heard that in a lot of states, children that occur during a marriage will automatically put responsibility on both parties, child support-wise.  Even if both parties disclose that the husband is not the bio-father of the child.  That it can be very difficult, if not impossible, to be released from that.

SIB So true! If the child is born while they are married he will be responsible unless there state accepts dna proof that he isn't the father.

MyNameIsNot

short+sassy said:

MesmrEwe said:

Time to clear his name NOW - STAT because this sounds like the type of woman that would put his name down on the Birth Certificate even though it's this other guy's kid...  23 and me when the kid is born so he doesn't end up in court with her trying to get child support for a child that is, in fact, not his!  

And yes, he should message back a standard reply to all the emails and contacts that while he's happy for her to be welcoming the child, it is physically impossible for it to be his as they were separated at the time.  

The LW doesn't mention this.  And I certainly don't know all the intricate, state-specific legalities.  But he might also be trying to race that divorce before the baby is born.

I've heard that in a lot of states, children that occur during a marriage will automatically put responsibility on both parties, child support-wise.  Even if both parties disclose that the husband is not the bio-father of the child.  That it can be very difficult, if not impossible, to be released from that.

I actually had a case like that back when I was in family law. I can only speak for Georgia. 

There's a rebuttable presumption that two people in a marriage are the parents of a child born during the marriage, including a pregnancy "in progress" at the time of separation. It's rebuttable, though. With a DNA test, the court can recognize that he is not the father and release him from responsibility. There used to be a public policy bias to avoid excluding a husband if a biological father could not be located, but that's pretty outdated now. 

On the flip, if you get through the divorce without raising the issue, it's next to impossible to go back and dispute paternity later.  

MesmrEwe

short+sassy said:

A little after my wife and I reconciled from our separation, we discovered she was pregnant. Although we were having marital problems, we were going through marriage therapy and I genuinely wanted to give it another try. I was, of course, over the moon about becoming a father. Things were starting to look up, until I discovered an ultrasound scan report which showed my wife was further along in the pregnancy than she told me. After a bitter, heated argument she confessed she conceived the baby with someone else while we were separated. She said she thought she was acting for the best because she knew I would be happy about the pregnancy. (One of the many reasons why we initially separated was because I wanted to start a family and she didn’t.) To cut the long story short, I decided to get a divorce. Since I moved out, my wife has been spreading malicious rumors that I abandoned her and “our baby.” She’s been hospitalized due to complications in her pregnancy and I got a lot of hate mails/calls from her family and friends for not showing up. I don’t want to get caught up in a dirty fight so I have been ignoring these. But I’m getting increasingly angry that she is smearing my reputation through lies. Should I clear my name, even if it means airing our dirty laundry in public?

short+sassy said:

MesmrEwe said:

Time to clear his name NOW - STAT because this sounds like the type of woman that would put his name down on the Birth Certificate even though it's this other guy's kid...  23 and me when the kid is born so he doesn't end up in court with her trying to get child support for a child that is, in fact, not his!  

And yes, he should message back a standard reply to all the emails and contacts that while he's happy for her to be welcoming the child, it is physically impossible for it to be his as they were separated at the time.  

The LW doesn't mention this.  And I certainly don't know all the intricate, state-specific legalities.  But he might also be trying to race that divorce before the baby is born.

I've heard that in a lot of states, children that occur during a marriage will automatically put responsibility on both parties, child support-wise.  Even if both parties disclose that the husband is not the bio-father of the child.  That it can be very difficult, if not impossible, to be released from that.

While the LW doesn't mention it, what's the next logical step by someone who was willing to make him believe that the child was his until the evidence proved otherwise and she was called out on it.  Had he not called her out, her behavior was that she was going to make him believe it was his even though she knew otherwise...  Also keeping the real biological father from his rights had she followed through...  For some it would work, for him it was a dealbreaker...