I found out about my mom's (possibly) secret GF.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

Recently I was using my mom’s iPad (with her permission), when she must have accidentally synced all her devices or something, because all of her texts started popping up on the screen. That’s how I found out she was having an affair with a woman. As soon as I realized what I was reading, I shut the iPad down, but I still saw enough, and I don’t know what to do. I feel like my dad should know. But I don’t know if it’s my place for me to tell him, or if I can tell him without outing my mom. I don’t want to out anyone, no matter who they are. But I feel like I’m part of the secret if I keep this from him. I obviously don’t want my parents to get a divorce either. I don’t want to cause it, if it does happen. What’s the best way to approach this that won’t cause any harm?

—Lost Privacy

banana468

You talk to your mom.  Tell her you saw things not intended for you and they were explicit in nature.  Let her know that you are aware but will need to tell your dad if she doesn't first.

CharmedPam

Dad needs to know but It needs to come from LW’s mom.  Actually they may have an open relationship LW is unaware of (but the wording sounds like its an affair and not an open relationship type thing). 

Let mom know you know - that may make the push for her to come clean.

i used to think affair partners would never tell without being caught, but running an infedelity group, there are people who come clean on their own.

MyNameIsNot

You have to talk to your mom. Dad may know more than you think, or may be completely in the dark. You can't just go to dad without first trying to encourage mom to come clean. I know I'd much rather hear about an affair from my partner than from our kid!

MissKittyDanger

Definitely talk to the mom. The mom could also be struggling with who she is and that could be cause of the secret.

short+sassy

banana468 said:

You talk to your mom.  Tell her you saw things not intended for you and they were explicit in nature.  Let her know that you are aware but will need to tell your dad if she doesn't first.

This is exactly what I would do.  Especially since there is a possibility the dad does know and is cool with it.

But if he doesn't, the LW shouldn't have to feel complicit in now keeping that secret.

charlotte989875

Talk to your Mom but don’t accuse her of having an affair. You read the texts but you don’t know if your Dad already knows, if there’s an arrangement in place, or if you even have the right context of the texts. 

I disagree with saying to Mom that if she doesn’t tell Dad you will. This is your Mom’s private life and it may be incredibly hard for her. Threatening to expose this (if it’s not already known to your Dad) isn’t going to make this situation any easier. 

banana468

charlotte989875 said:

Talk to your Mom but don’t accuse her of having an affair. You read the texts but you don’t know if your Dad already knows, if there’s an arrangement in place, or if you even have the right context of the texts. 

I disagree with saying to Mom that if she doesn’t tell Dad you will. This is your Mom’s private life and it may be incredibly hard for her. Threatening to expose this (if it’s not already known to your Dad) isn’t going to make this situation any easier. 

I disagree.  If this opens the door for STDs then private life be damned.  

This is hard line I take.  I had an ex BF who cheated on me and no one told me while he had multiple partners but they knew what was going on.  So rather than hurt feelings and meddle I went on for years wondering why I had recurring issues with HPV  positive pap tests that didn't clear for years and then went through multiple rounds of STD testing to ensure that before I was with DH I was not going to expose him to something.  It was only when one of my closest friends said, "You tell Banana or I will" that the truth came out.  

I'd consider a different approach if this was an emotional affair over the internet only but will never agree that a secret affecting Dad is worth keeping. 

STARMOON44

I think LW absolutely has the right to tell their father. They do not need to bear the burden of keeping mom’s secrets. That could drive a wedge into their own relationship. 

banana468

STARMOON44 said:

I think LW absolutely has the right to tell their father. They do not need to bear the burden of keeping mom’s secrets. That could drive a wedge into their own relationship. 

Yup.  I can't help but discuss the sting but it hurt like nothing else for people to think "They didn't want to get involved" when by knowing and not telling me they were involved and clearly picked the easier side. 

mrsconn23

I think I'd ask without prefacing it with an ultimatum first.  If mom seemed defensive, angry, evasive, etc, then I'd put my foot down on telling dad.   But I'd want to hear her out without condition or initial judgment, and then encourage her to come clean with dad.  I'd try to make her see the position she was putting me in with dad and also how I didn't ask for this involvement.  You can be gentle and understanding, but firm in your boundaries at the same time.  

I'm not condoning cheating, but it's a usually symptom of something larger going on. 

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

I think I'd ask without prefacing it with an ultimatum first.  If mom seemed defensive, angry, evasive, etc, then I'd put my foot down on telling dad.   But I'd want to hear her out without condition or initial judgment, and then encourage her to come clean with dad.  I'd try to make her see the position she was putting me in with dad and also how I didn't ask for this involvement.  You can be gentle and understanding, but firm in your boundaries at the same time.  

I'm not condoning cheating, but it's a usually symptom of something larger going on. 

Totally agree.  FWIW in my situation it wasn't an immediate ultimatum the friend gave but she basically mulled over the information for a while (the relationship had a lot of issues) and said that she just was not going to be the secret keeper and he had to come clean.  

charlotte989875

mrsconn23 said:

I think I'd ask without prefacing it with an ultimatum first.  If mom seemed defensive, angry, evasive, etc, then I'd put my foot down on telling dad.   But I'd want to hear her out without condition or initial judgment, and then encourage her to come clean with dad.  I'd try to make her see the position she was putting me in with dad and also how I didn't ask for this involvement.  You can be gentle and understanding, but firm in your boundaries at the same time.  

I'm not condoning cheating, but it's a usually symptom of something larger going on. 

This is what I was trying to say- I don’t think cheating is okay at all but I think I’d give her an opportunity to go to Dad on her own. This clearly seems to be a shock to the daughter and it’s probably going to be hard for Mom & Dad. I don’t think daughter gets to out Mom here but should explain what a bad position Mom has put her in.