Send this letter to them.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My family and I are not especially close. I live abroad, and I don’t have social media. I keep in touch with my family via WhatsApp, emails, and postcards, and I see them twice a year. The rest of my family keep in touch over Facebook. They also have frequent phone calls and visit more often. Due to international calling rates and my autism, I can’t keep up with their pace of phone calls.

Earlier this week, my sister caught the coronavirus. No one told me she had it. I only found out because my mother sent me a photo of the care kit they were sending her. My mother told my other siblings but not me. When I asked her why, she said there was nothing I could do because I was so far away. This is not the first time this has happened. When my brother overdosed and went to the hospital, I only found out six months later when I was home for Christmas via a therapist letter pinned to my parents’ fridge. I only found out that my grandfather had developed dementia when my aunt called the family home and left a voicemail to say she’d finally found a carer for him.

I know that I chose to live abroad and not to have social media, but I still want to know when my relatives are seriously ill. I feel like I’m doing something that’s giving the impression that I either don’t care or am not accessible to these kinds of concerns, but I don’t know what and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t want it to get to the point where someone in the family dies, and no-one thinks to tell me until I’m home for Christmas. How do I convince my family that yes, I do want to know when you are seriously unwell, even if it does mean all I can do is send a “get well soon” card?

—Out of the Loop

banana468

Write this down and tell them. 

They may mean well.  I've had to have that discussion with my mom and it often does no good.  I didn't know she was having her hip replaced until she had already had the surgery and MIL (who knew because my mom let things slip in conversation that would only be known if she'd scheduled the operation) said, "Banana needs to know this because if something DOES go wrong she should know what's up."  My mom told me 3 days later when she was home from the hospital.  

Point being - some people are like this and mean well and are loving and they don't want to burden you and then what they are doing is hurting your feelings. Be clear about it. Tell them how you feel but also don't expect that they'll change.  So you may need to check in more frequently to get the real story. 

MyNameIsNot

I see both sides of this one. On one hand, family should call and pass on news when big things happen. But on the other, LW says that they can't keep up with phone calls because of international rates and Autism. (Whatsapp allows for free international calling.) It sounds like it's not just mom but several people opting not to pass on news.

I wonder if LW is unintentionally communicating that they aren't that interested in frequent contact. 

charlotte989875

Tell them directly that you want to be included and that you’re hurt by being left out. They may be trying to protect, it may (sadly to the LW) be an out of sight out of mind thing, or there may be something they’re interpreting as you checking out- but you won’t know unless you address it directly. 

I’d be pissed to if no one told me my sister had covid or my brother overdosed. These are big things not to tell someone who isn’t estranged or non-contact. 

mrsconn23

While LW 'can't keep up' with the pace of phone calls or social media, what about a standing day/time to have contact (every other Sunday night at 8pm or whatever)?  Also, maybe LW could tell their family that they do want to know about emergencies.  Even if it just a text or some other type of message?  

LW seems to be self-aware and also concerned about what they may have projected in the past (rare among letter writers to Prudie, LOL).  I think if they can communicate their desires in a way that draws empathy from their family and possible change, things will be OK.  I don't think it's going to be hard, but LW also needs to realize they may need to change some of the things they're doing as well.