Wedding Woes

Have you talked to the man?

Dear Prudence,

Eight years ago, I met my fiancé while I was living in a large city. He lived more than an hour outside of the city in a semi-rural suburb and commuted in for work. After a year of dating, I moved in with him, under the impression that we would move in a couple years. I’ve always been pretty adventurous when it comes moving and have always wanted to experience living in new areas. Today we are still in the same house, in a community that I don’t like and don’t have much of a connection to. I’m very lonely and isolated, rural living doesn’t fit my personality, and I’m feeling depressed. My fiancé clearly has no intention of moving, and now I find myself having to decide if I should end the relationship and move out. The idea of staying makes me sad, and the idea of leaving makes me sad.

—Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Re: Have you talked to the man?

  • Does your FI know you want to keep moving?  What is your long term plan?  

    I know of one couple who moves frequently by choice (different from those who move due to the military moving them) and it's just NMS.    If DH wanted to experience a lot of cities I'd happily travel but do not want to move.  

    LW needs to tell the FI what they want and see if they are compatible.  LW also should consider if they are both in careers where moving often is also the best for financial and career growth. 
  • If you had talked about this when you moved in together then you need to bring this up and revisit the conversation. If he’s not willing to talk about this, then you have your answer. He doesn’t have to want to move but, if this was discussed before, his change in preference doesn’t get to determine your future. 
  • Have you talked to him about the possibility of living elsewhere, and how unhappy you've been where you are now? Has he specifically said that he has no intention of moving? 

    Whether you've talked about it before or not, you need to have an honest, serious conversation with him before doing anything further. If he insists on staying someplace that makes you so unhappy, I think you need to seriously consider moving on. It doesn't necessarily make him a bad person to want to stay where he is, but it probably means your lifestyles and goals aren't compatible.

  • If you can’t talk to the man about this, do you even have a relationship worth saving?
  • ei34ei34 member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    So LW has been living unhappily in the rural/suburb for seven years?  Was there an initial conversation?  If not, time to have one.
  • I think it is very telling that they didn't pick a new place together in the beginning. He was never going to move.
  • I think it is very telling that they didn't pick a new place together in the beginning. He was never going to move.
    And what was the impression she got?  There's so much of this that says, "We didn't use our words and now I'm frustrated." 
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