Wedding Woes

I'm always recommending therapy, but for realz...

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been with my partner for eight years, and in that time, he’s become the best friend I’ve ever had. Since becoming estranged from my parents a few years ago, I think of him as my “forever family.” But I love him like family, not like a soulmate. I have always hoped I would start feeling erotic/romantic energy, but I never have, although we have an active sex life—a fine one, even. I can’t describe it other than a persistent feeling of bad faith on my end, of some kind of secret insincerity I keep hidden from him. I’m terrified that I’ll still be with him in 10 years. But I don’t think I could exist without our jokes, our long conversations, our time together, our mutual support. We are a part of each other. What can I do?

—Chosen Family

Re: I'm always recommending therapy, but for realz...

  • mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,

    I’ve been with my partner for eight years, and in that time, he’s become the best friend I’ve ever had. Since becoming estranged from my parents a few years ago, I think of him as my “forever family.” But I love him like family, not like a soulmate. I have always hoped I would start feeling erotic/romantic energy, but I never have, although we have an active sex life—a fine one, even. I can’t describe it other than a persistent feeling of bad faith on my end, of some kind of secret insincerity I keep hidden from him. I’m terrified that I’ll still be with him in 10 years. But I don’t think I could exist without our jokes, our long conversations, our time together, our mutual support. We are a part of each other. What can I do?

    —Chosen Family

    I'm curious how dysfunctional the LW's life was before meeting the partner. 

    And is this a situation of having no sexual chemistry or that the chemistry is...fine?  LW needs to figure this out.  
    MissKittyDanger
  • A relationship doesn’t have to be terrible for it not to be the right one for you. If you want something different you need to tell them now, not in ten years when you can’t take it anymore. You can ask if they still want to be in your life, but expect them to say no and want a clean break. 

    It’s unlikely (unless they feel the same way) that you get to keep the best friend part but search for a soul mate somewhere else. 
  • Definitely therapy.
    There's different levels of sexuality that LW and spouse could be an just don't realize it.

    I don't mean LGBTQ+
    Like we recently discovered M is demi sexual {cannot have sexual relations without a deeper feeling to the person}
  • OK, so, there's a few things LW needs to consider:

    - Are they looking for a more passionate relationship because that's what they truly want, or because that's what society tells them they should have? Not every loving relationship is fireworks all the time (and even if they start out that way, they don't always stay that way)
    - If they had any romantic relationships before this one, what were those like? Was there more chemistry than there is here?
    - They need to reconcile saying they're terrified of still being with this person in 10 years with the idea that they couldn't exist without them 
    - Partner may not want to remain friends or have LW in their life if they break up, and can LW really handle that, given what they say about this relationship? 

    It's a lot, more than a Prudie letter can answer. Definitely agree that therapy is essential here.

    image
    charlotte989875short+sassy
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