Dear Prudence,
After 20 months of trying and failing to get pregnant and months of poking, prodding, invasive tests, and mood-altering medications, my husband and I have been advised by a specialist that we will likely need IVF. We have been asked if we’re considering adoption what feels like 10,000 times, and we’re not pursuing it right now, for a number of emotional and logistical reasons, but we may in the future. But I want to know that I did everything I could to get pregnant before I decide to try something else. I’ve wanted this my whole life and have made choices about my career and where I would live with that goal in mind. We’re going to try IVF for a few cycles before we move toward adoption.
Back in December, my mother asked for an update, and I told her about some of our struggles. She shrugged and said, “Well, I guess you’ll just have to adopt.” To be fair, my mom has always been a “fixer” rather than emotionally attuned. But I didn’t tell her about this appointment specifically because I didn’t want her to be casually dismissive about something that feels so fraught. I know at some point, especially because my sister is one of my confidantes, it will come out that we’ve been trying IVF, and my mom will be upset that she wasn’t in the loop. How would you suggest that I inform my mother that we’ve decided on IVF and we’re not open to hearing opinions about it?
—Biting the Bullet, Spilling the Beans