Husband doesn't want to 'cut-off' Qanon parents, but I don't want them near our kids.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My husband’s parents have always been on the fringe end of conservative, but it’s never caused an issue with us, because we don’t live nearby and only see them once every two years or so. But in the past few years, they’ve become even more counterculture—they’re very into QAnon and other conspiracy theories, they’ve become openly racist, and they hate masks and vaccines. Recently, I found out that they’ve embraced Holocaust denial. I don’t know why this was the final straw, but I don’t want my children to have a relationship with these people anymore. My husband doesn’t know what to do, but he feels that cutting them off is too much. What should we do?

—Holocaust Deniers

charlotte989875

Yikes. I wouldn’t allow that talk around me or my kids. If they started I’d shut it down, and then if it continues I’d cut them off. Call them out for being racist. Tell them if you’re nearby and they refuse to mask they are putting you in danger and won’t visit with them in person. That will probably take care of the problem because I’ll bet they’ll choose not to see you anyway.

 It’s one thing to hold political beliefs it’s another to go full on conspiracy theory.

banana468

This is hard because they're potentially aging. 

That said, I think you can run a line between cutting them off and embracing them.  You can also correct them and teach your kids the truth. 

FWIW, my ILs aren't into QAnon and other conspiracy theories but we do differ politically.  I'm taking the approach of educating Chiquita.  They didn't vote for Biden and instead we told her that her lunch time on a work from home Wednesday Jan 20th was to watch the Inauguration.  We proudly sat and watched Biden and Harris discuss their victory in November and I told her how excited I was that she is going to look up to a female woman of color as her VP.     

I don't know that I'd seek an argument but I would definitely ensure that they were not educational influences on my kids. 

mrsconn23

If LW and the kids aren't talking to the parents now and they don't live w/in close enough distance to see them but once every couple years, then I'm not sure it's worth fighting it out now.  LW has told their H how they feel about his parents and their increasingly alarming views.  It sounds like H is understanding of LW's concerns and isn't thrilled himself about it.   If he wants to continue to talk to them from time to time vs. fully cutting them off, I feel like LW would be over-stepping in trying force H to no longer have any contact with them. 

If they are saying these things in the presence of the kids (like on a video chat or if they are over speaker phone or something), then I think LW should put their foot down and say that he cannot speak to them in earshot of the kids.  Also if the IL's are pressing for a visit, I think it's appropriate for LW to go to the hill on the issue.  

I'm just not sure harping on it constantly is helpful when it seems that LW's H is aware of their feelings and stance on his parents decisions/beliefs.  I think it's a situation where LW should let it lie until it comes up again and/or H starts wanting to move the boundary. 

MissKittyDanger

LW might be easier to slowly back off.

Idk if it's possible, but have H to tell them there is a big disagreement in beliefs and this is not a topic to be brought up.

MyNameIsNot

If you're only seeing them every year or two anyway, aren't you sort of cut off already?

I wouldn't want those people around my kids either, but it seems like the kids see Santa more frequently than they see these people. 

short+sassy

While I very much understand the LW's sentiments, I think they need to let the H call the shots as far as "no contact vs. minimal contact" for himself and the children.

Though the two hills the LW can definitely die on is there will be no physical contact until the virus is under control.  And absolutely no hate speech and false information spewed within the family's earshot.  Especially for the grandchildren.  But that would also include me!

Edited to add:  I meant to also mention that the LW should be counting their blessings!  This is so much easier to deal with because the ILs live far away and they rarely seem them anyway.

banana468

MyNameIsNot said:

If you're only seeing them every year or two anyway, aren't you sort of cut off already?

I wouldn't want those people around my kids either, but it seems like the kids see Santa more frequently than they see these people. 

That's where I am too.  If these were people across town and could show up unannounced it's different than this situation where the visits are coordinated and extremely infrequent. 

mrsconn23

banana468 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

If you're only seeing them every year or two anyway, aren't you sort of cut off already?

I wouldn't want those people around my kids either, but it seems like the kids see Santa more frequently than they see these people. 

That's where I am too.  If these were people across town and could show up unannounced it's different than this situation where the visits are coordinated and extremely infrequent. 

Yep, that's why trying to control LW's H's contact with them or asking him to cut them off when he's ambivalent about it seems too big an ask.   LW needs to push back on anything that could be harmful to the kids, but stay out of how the H maintains a relationship with them if he's not involving/putting expectations on LW or the kids. 

Also, kids are far more influenced by who they're around and the flow of messaging they receive from the adults/people who are in their life on a daily basis.  They figure out pretty quickly from you as their parent what to believe and what to dismiss.  So even IF the kids were to hear some Holocaust denying bullshit from them or anyone else and have questions, they will probably ask you.  And I'm talking kids that about DefConn's age (9, almost 10) and older.  Younger than that, it goes right over their heads.  There were questions from DefConn after GMIL's Pentecostal funeral that DH and I dispatched pretty quickly by just reinforcing what we believe. 

So the pearl-clutching is a little much, especially since LW's husband isn't denying this is troublesome dialogue from his parents.  Yes, it sucks it's so close to them and knowing how many people believe this shit is disheartening.  But the impact on the kids is likely non-existent if they continue to have this distanced relationship with LW's ILs.