Wedding Woes

He was a liar, predatory, and likely abusive. You aren't guilty.

Dear Prudence,

My ex and I were together for almost two years. He was my first relationship and first sexual encounter. He is also 15 years my senior. We met when I was 18. I didn’t know his actual age or the fact he had a girlfriend on the other side of the country (we were both new to the area at the time) until we’d been dating for a few months. I was vocal about wanting a non-monogamous relationship from the beginning and continued to be until the end. However, he wanted more. When a dirty message came up on my phone several months after we met, he angrily told me that he didn’t want to be with me if I wouldn’t be exclusive. I was scared of losing him and knew that he was pressuring me into a more exclusive commitment.

I justified my sleeping with other men on two separate occasions, as well as sending explicit photos, because I gave him a multitude of chances to see things my way or to leave (which he ultimately did and should have a long time ago, as much as I hate to admit it). I knew he wouldn’t be OK with what I was doing, but at the time, I thought I was justified in my actions. I realize now that I was not justified and seriously betrayed him, even though I was never caught. I think it may be for the better for both of us now that it is over, although that is no excuse for what I did.

I am seeing a therapist now to work through both the end of the relationship and how I contributed to the unhealthy environment. I still love and care about him so much. He was my best friend. All of this information makes everything even worse, because I wonder how could I have ever done that to someone I know means so much to me. Do you have any advice for me on how to work on forgiving myself and move forward?

—Guilt Over Ghosts

Re: He was a liar, predatory, and likely abusive. You aren't guilty.

  • He was a predator and you’re lucky you got out
  • Wait, you told him that the relationship wasn't exclusive, continued to not make it exclusive and feel guilty that you stood by your word?  

    Yeah - talk about this with a therapist.  He was likely abusive. 
  • He was trying to control & manipulate you. You were clear about your boundaries & needs in the relationship (no exclusivity, non-monagamy) and he pursued you knowing those terms. Then he tried to guilt you into doing what he wanted you to do. 

    I hope whatever therapist you see makes clear that you’re not the problem here, he is. And if they don’t, get a new therapist. 
  • He was trying to control & manipulate you. You were clear about your boundaries & needs in the relationship (no exclusivity, non-monagamy) and he pursued you knowing those terms. Then he tried to guilt you into doing what he wanted you to do. 

    I hope whatever therapist you see makes clear that you’re not the problem here, he is. And if they don’t, get a new therapist. 
    Yeah, I'm worried that the therapist isn't great if they feel LW 'contributed to an unhealthy environment' when this guy is clearly the problem here. That kind of terminology is very therapy-centered and raises red flags to me.  I mean a good therapist will make you own your shit, however they will validate you and point out how other people's actions and feelings are not your fault and assist you in separating yourself from that. 
  • Why would you feel guilty when he was the one lying about wanting monogamy? He had another girlfriend ffs.
  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2021
    Wait. He was mad at you for not being monogamous with him (when you were honest about not wanting to be!) while he was cheating on his girlfriend with you? 

    Keep going to therapy and move on from this jerk. 
    image
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards