Dear Prudence,
My ex and I were together for almost two years. He was my first relationship and first sexual encounter. He is also 15 years my senior. We met when I was 18. I didn’t know his actual age or the fact he had a girlfriend on the other side of the country (we were both new to the area at the time) until we’d been dating for a few months. I was vocal about wanting a non-monogamous relationship from the beginning and continued to be until the end. However, he wanted more. When a dirty message came up on my phone several months after we met, he angrily told me that he didn’t want to be with me if I wouldn’t be exclusive. I was scared of losing him and knew that he was pressuring me into a more exclusive commitment.
I justified my sleeping with other men on two separate occasions, as well as sending explicit photos, because I gave him a multitude of chances to see things my way or to leave (which he ultimately did and should have a long time ago, as much as I hate to admit it). I knew he wouldn’t be OK with what I was doing, but at the time, I thought I was justified in my actions. I realize now that I was not justified and seriously betrayed him, even though I was never caught. I think it may be for the better for both of us now that it is over, although that is no excuse for what I did.
I am seeing a therapist now to work through both the end of the relationship and how I contributed to the unhealthy environment. I still love and care about him so much. He was my best friend. All of this information makes everything even worse, because I wonder how could I have ever done that to someone I know means so much to me. Do you have any advice for me on how to work on forgiving myself and move forward?
—Guilt Over Ghosts